Words take on different meanings, depending on the role you're in. Being a parent is no different, so for those of you Parents-to-Be that just received the great news, here are a few words that you need to know:
Ambidexterity: The ability to use both hands to disappoint your parents. (see photo)
Beditation: The art of laying in bed and blocking out the sounds of children making early morning demands.
Birthday: An expensive reminder every year about why birth control is crucial to financial responsibility.
Chexsplosion: What happens when you allow your child to open a bag of Chex Mix unsupervised.
Child Proof: Proof that the people that make medicine bottles and lighters don't have children.
Christmas: A joyless holiday similar to a birthday, but on a larger (more expensive) scale. Other parents seem perfectly fine with this happening every year. (see Birthday)
Chocolate Milk: Liquid crack for toddlers.
Clock: A small mechanical device to wake up people with no children.
Countertop: The shirt you make your kid put on when the one they chose to wear is unacceptable.
Encouragemint: Candy, gum, and/or mints that you offer your child as bribes.
Floritos: The pile of crumbs left behind after your 2-year old's Cool Ranch attack.
Foreplay: The four minutes you take to set your kids up with a movie so you can have sex.
Friday: A dark harbinger that means the weekend is coming. (see Weekend)
Idisockracy: Not being able to tell your hands from your feet. (see photo)
Legos: Ankle-breakers.
Liquorice: A mixed-drink straw made from your child's Twizzler stash.
Mood Music: Usually, the title track to whatever movie you popped in so you can have sex. (see Foreplay)
Nice Things: What you used to have before kids.
Public Places: Any place where you find yourself reacting calmly to your child's misbehaving. If you find yourself saying, "Wait til we get home", you're in one.
School Bus: The sweet, sweet savior that shuttles your noisy, demanding kids away from your house and off to some magical place where they do things or something. I don't know what they do. I'm just glad I don't have to fulfill requests all day.
Snow Day: A day that the school decides they've had enough of your kids for one week. They'll use any amount of snow, no matter how minimal to get by with this.
Thial: What happens when your phone is in your front pocket and you kneel down. Example: I bent over to put on Libby's shoes and I accidentally thialed 911.
Toys: Little land mines left all over the house. They are unavoidable. You will trip. You will curse. You will get hurt. (see Legos)
Twin Mattress: A $600 piece of furniture that sits in your son's bedroom while he sleeps short-ways on the couch. (see photo)
Ughciting: The word you use to describe pretty much anything your kids are excited about. Example: "Yes, son, I am so ughcited to watch Thomas the Train again too."
Weekend: 48 hours that feel more like 72. There is no school to give you a break on these days. Remember when you used to go out, party, and then sleep your Sunday away? It's better if you don't.
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