When We Were Kids

It's sad to think about how things have changed from when we were kids to how our children are growing up now.  I suppose every generation feels the same way as they ease into the older stages of life.  Whereas older generations would sit on their front porch, rocking back and forth, smoking a clove-laden pipe, complaining about how this world is going to hell-in-a-handbasket, our generation has the internet to voice our concerns; it's about as useful as front-porch venting.  Here are a few things that I'm sad my children will most likely never get to experience.

 #10.  Hand-written Plagiarism:  Back when I was in school, you couldn't just copy and paste straight from the internet.  You had to do honest research before you could just rip the words right from the author's pages.  It was easier to plagiarize if you had access to an encyclopedia, but if you wanted to steal from an actual book or peer-reviewed paper, you had to use the index.  Do today's children even know what an index is?  This generation will never appreciate how hard it used to be to cheat.




#9.  Phone Books:  Today, you can look up pretty much any number, instantly, online.  Not true twenty years ago.  If you wanted to call somebody, you needed to know their name.  If it was a common name, you had to know their address too.  Ordering a pizza wasn't as simple as clicking a button on the computer.  You had to look up the number and talk to an actual person.  To make things worse, some places only listed their number in particular phone books.  At any given time, we would have at least three different books and would most likely, need each one.  Plus, trying to figure out how the publisher listed the specific business you were looking for was like trying to figure out what women want.


#8.  Chalkboards:  When I was in school, we didn't have fancy, computerized, white-boards.  We had chalkboards.  And chalk.  If we were called to the board to write out a math problem, you were guaranteed to have chalk-covered clothes for the rest of the day. 

This, of course, assumes that you could actually find a piece of chalk that was long enough to write with.  Then there were the teachers with long fingernails.  Nothing gets the attention of a class like nails scraping a chalkboard.  Be thankful for your white-boards children.

 #7.  The Konami Code: Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start.  When I first started playing video games, we could only do two things, one of which was always jump.  The other was punch, kick, or shoot.  That's it.  The games were so hard, you had to put in a cheat code to beat most of them.  Plus, if we got stuck, we couldn't hop online for tips.  Now, controllers have more buttons than we have fingers and if a game is too hard, you can put it on easy.  You kids have it too easy.



#6.  Television Commercials:   The boy is good enough to use the television remotes (we have 3) now.  In fact, he usually has to set up the t.v. for Me-Maw when she comes over to watch them.  While this has given him much needed freedom and independence, the DVR has given him just as much frustration and impatience. 

He refuses to watch "Live TV" now.  If it's not pre-recorded, he's not watching.  He doesn't know how good he has it.  I've tried to explain to him before how his Momma and I had to watch commercials all the time when we were little and if we wanted to record something, we actually had to watch it while it was on.  This brings me to my next point...


#5.  Saturday Morning Cartoons:  Today, the kids have at least ten different channels dedicated solely to their demographic...and that's just on our basic programming level.  Growing up, we had six channels and two of them only came in if the sky was clear and you said your prayers.

 If that wasn't bad enough, we only had one chance to really watch cartoons--Saturday Mornings.  Sure, if you got up early enough on a school day, you could catch half an episode of He-Man, but the really good shows came on the weekend.

 Magically, it was easy to get up at 5:30 on those days and watch television until noon.  With the wide availability of cartoons now, I can't see how they can be nearly as meaningful.  To be fair, today's cartoons are more educational-based than the sword-wielding, muscular-Swede based toons of my younger days.

 #4.  High-Speed Danger:  Some of my favorite memories are those ones were my sister and I sat in the bed of Dad's truck, bouncing off the side walls as he zoomed down the highway at 60 miles an hour.  Thanks to the gub'ment, there are now laws in place that make this favorite pastime highly frowned upon.  Some even go so far as to call it illegal.  Next thing you know, they'll be requiring kids to wear helmets and knee pads when they ride bikes.  Ridiculous!


#3.  Getting an "F":  Our school system has implemented a new report card grading system.  Instead of the A, B, C, D, and F letters, they use a P (for "progressing towards requirement") and an M (for "meets requirement").  Useless. 

When we were kids, our parents knew exactly how well we were doing.  If you brought home A's and B's you'd get something nice.  C's meant you got a strict talking-to and D's and F's, well, let's just say if you brought one home, it would probably be the last time you did so.  Now, all I know is that my son is either doing the work they expect of him or he's trying to do it.  Very helpful.

#2.  Pay Phone Fun:  As pay-phones across the country disappear, so does an important male-bonding experience---prank phone calls from pay phones.  This was the thing to do after school.  I still remember walking home with my buddy Travis and stopping by the courthouse pay-phone near his mother's apartment.  This is where we raised some hell pranking local businesses and outstanding members of the community.

It may also be the source of breaking up a marriage.  See, we also used to call "900" numbers and try various 16-digit combinations.  I remember one day it actually worked.  We must have stayed on that phone for thirty minutes.  I fear that some husband out there had to explain a 30-minute phone call to his wife.  Now, kids can get online and do all kinds of weird crap for free.  Where's the fun in that?

#1.  Audio-Cassette Piracy:  It goes without saying that music today is nothing like music used to be; I said it anyway.  Over-produced, over-edited, and an over-saturated market leaves today's music widely available at best, and, well widely available at worst. 

When we were kids, we had limited options.  We couldn't download music instantly, we had to go to stores and purchase audio-cassette tapes--all of this under the eyes of censoring parents.   You didn't get to buy any quality music until you could drive to the store yourself. 

It wasn't as easy to share music either.  You couldn't just touch your phones together and swap playlists.  You had to playback the tape and record it onto another tape.  This leaves what is called a generational gap between the original tape and the recorded tape.  Much like generational gaps of today, the later generation wasn't anywhere near as good in quality.

Of course, I guess it doesn't do any good to complain about the next generation does it?

What To Expect After Your Wife Expected.

When we first decided that I would take on the Stay At Home Dad role, I didn't really know what to expect.  I figured I'd play video games most of the day, catch up on some quality television, and maybe even change a diaper once in a while.  Then reality hit me.  While nothing can prepare you for a role as a stay at home dad, here is a brief list of things you can expect.



You will be tired.  And instead of going to bed early, you will stay up late, because everyone else is asleep.

The dog will be easier to talk to than your baby.

Nothing will make you laugh as hard as the faces your baby makes trying to poop.

Friends will ask if you wear a French Maid's outfit.  They will find it hilarious every time they ask.

If you have a daughter, she will dress you.

In case you're wondering, yes, it matches my shoes.

 You will see more vomit than you did in your college partying days.

While it's great for spending time with your kids, playing with toys is boring.  Most likely, your kids have drained all of your imagination.  The only way you'll ever play with toys again is to place them in compromising positions.

Your Spanish vocabulary will grow as a direct result of watching Dora the Explorer all day.

Your kids will ask for something to drink every five minutes.

You will soon learn to recite no less than three stories by memory.

You will absolutely hate at least two of them.

Your baby will sleep 18 hours a day.  None of them between the hours of 12 and 6 a.m.

Scumbag Stevie Poo

 At first, you will be running errands most days of the week.

Eventually, you will get tired of buckling/unbuckling your kids and learn to coordinate your errands to all fall on one day of the week.

You will buy a cat simply because it will get at least one kid out of your butt.

If an angel gets its wings every time a bell rings, then every time a stay at home dad sits down, a child asks for something.

Your watch will be set to the bus schedule as this is really the only measure of time that matters to you anymore.

Play-dates with other dads become your main source for wrestling entertainment.

Always put your money on the bigger baby.

Your child will be more technologically advanced at the age of three than you ever will be.

Expect to sleep on the couch.  Even if you didn't do anything to deserve it.

Remember how you used to dream about having more than one girl in bed? Now, you'll dream about kicking them all out.

Your kid's idea of fun will not be the same as yours.

Your days of owning nice things are over.

You will tell lies--horrible, horrible lies that encourage the arts.

There is no such thing as everybody smiling and looking at the camera.

Grandparents will purchase every board game on the market.  In reality, the only games small children can play are Hi-Ho Cherry-O and Cooties.

You will discover new, practical uses for duct tape.

Some of them may not be legal.

I have more to say, but the girl just asked me for something to drink.

Extra Curriculars

There is no shortage of fun kids activities.  That can be a problem for busy parents.  Here's a quick pro and cons list of some of the activities that we've enrolled our children in.  Hopefully it can help you decide which ones to sign 'em up for and which ones to avoid.

#5.  Cub Scouts:  It's like a fraternity for little boys.

Pro:  It helps your child to become more social.  Con:  It means that I (an introvert) have to be more social.
  
Pro:  Your kid learns appropriate behavior, manners, and good-will.  Con:  Your boy will call you out on it when you don't exhibit these qualities yourself.   

Pro:  Your kid gets to go on cool camping trips.  Con:  If you've never heard about anything bad happening on scout trips, then I won't ruin it for you.  I do, however, strongly recommend that you tag along.

#4.  Tumbling:  You pay another person to let your kid roll around on their floor.

Pro:  Your little girl will love dressing up in the outfits.  Con:  Them outfits ain't cheap. 

Pro:  Most tumbling operations won't let you stay and watch as it distracts the girls.  Con:  You could be paying $30 a month just so your kid can do somersaults every week and nothing else.  Then again, it's like having a reliable babysitter each week so who cares? 

Pro:  Your child becomes close to the other girls in her class.  Con:  Sometimes that closeness happens when they practice spin-kick-twirls.  Bloody nose.







#3.  Basketball:  Because somebody thought it was a good idea to have 3 foot 9 inch kids aim for a 10 foot tall hoop.

Pro:  Learn eye-hand coordination through passing, dribbling, and rebounding.  Con:  Passing, dribbling, and rebounding often end with jammed fingers. 

Pro:  Develop aim and upper-body strength by shooting free-throws.  Con:  If your kid actually gets the ball to hit the rim, it will bounce back and hit them in the face.  Bloody nose.   

Pro:  Lots of exercise like running and jumping.  Con:  White kids can't jump.









#2.  Soccer:  The most popular sport for kids that aren't good at sports.

Pro:  You get to play indoors when the weather's bad.  Con:  The indoor arena smells like sweaty balls.   

Pro:  Kids can learn teamwork.  Con:  The fastest kid hogs the ball while the others just run around chasing after. 

Pro:  Kids learn eye-foot coordination.  Con:  Your kid is going to trip over the ball and start pulling up grass more than he kicks, passes, or scores.



#1.  Tee-Ball:  I've written to some extent about t-ball and participation trophies already.

Pro: It gets your kid outdoors.  Con: It's the middle of summer and you're outdoors.  I don't know about your park, but at ours, none of the t-ball diamonds have shade. 

Pro:  Your kid gets to wear a sweet uniform.  Con:  Part of that uniform involves stirrup socks which you'll have to wrangle your child into.   

Pro:  Your kid can get some exercise.  Con:  If your child isn't pitching or catching,  he will be sitting (not exercise) and digging in the infield dirt or pulling out the outfield grass.

Reason To Have Kids #21: Sharing Childhood Cartoons

Cartoons for kids these days are horrible.  Maybe it's just that I'm getting older, but seriously, I can't bear the pain of sitting down and having to watch Dora, Umizoomi, Bubbleguppies, or any of the mind-numbing shows on t.v. now.   Don't get me wrong, I think it's great that these shows are teaching my kids basic math, colors, and shapes, but what about important life lessons?

Back in the day, us kids didn't learn about colors and shapes from the television, that's what school was for.  Our cartoons contained valuable life lessons  (mixed with a little violence) that would help shape us into the people we are today.

Great Reason To Have Kids #21:  Sharing the cartoons you grew up on.  Thanks to the local library,  I've been able to check out pretty much every series I watched as a kid.  Here are some of the best cartoons from my era and the valuable life lessons they teach.

#10.  C.O.P.S.

Each episode of cops would end with a public-service announcement directed at kids.  We learned that drugs and gangs were bad, and we were taught important safety issues like "Don't take candy from strangers".  Plus, we also picked up cool taglines like, "It's crime-fighting time" and "Crime's a wasting".  It worked well for introducing children to officers, but it lands the #10 spot because later in life you realize that 90 percent of the shows on t.v. are cop-related.  The other ten are lawyer and doctor based.

#9.  Beetlejuice

While we didn't learn any numbers or silly songs, Beetlejuice taught us one of the most important lessons of all.  Love and friendship knows no bounds.  Love sees through skin color, religion, and state of existence.

#8.  Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Until they came around, turtles were nothing but boring, slow reptiles that were constantly ridiculed by their faster, hairier antagonists.  The heroes in a half-shell taught us to think outside the box.  It gave us earth-shattering ideas like, 'Turtles can be quick and dangerous' and my personal favorite, 'Ice cream tastes great on pizza'.   I never did understand the mask thing though.  It's not like they had day jobs at the local newspaper and needed to conceal their true identities.

#7.  Transformers

I believe Transformers is the reason many people are cross-country drivers today.  What kid didn't want his own Optimus Prime to cruise around in?  So, thank you super robot life forms for helping contribute to a strong American work force.

#6.  G.I. Joe

G.I. Joe was about more than just standing up for justice and fighting terrorists.  It operated on a more subliminal level, but it dealt heavily with social issues.  It's been awhile since I've watched it, but I'm pretty sure the screen shot above was from their ground-breaking  "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" episode.

#5.  Batman: The Animated Series

For the longest time, we had to watch cartoons about superheroes with special powers.  We could only sit back and daydream about the ability to shoot fire from our finger tips or fly.  Most of us young boys spent a lot of time wishing for x-ray vision.  Batman taught us that you didn't need any super-powers to be a hero.  All you needed was money.  Lots and lots of money.

#4.  Tiny Toon Adventures

Tiny Toon Adventures was basically Saturday Night Live for kids.  It engaged us with the world around us.  It was full of political parodies, pop music, and fake news reports. If you were one of those kids that had to watch the evening news with your parents, you probably enjoyed this cartoon more.  If not, it was still funny and had cartoon violence.

#3.  X-Men

Learned about the epic battle between good and evil as well as how to tell the good guys from the bad guys.  Good guys could shoot lasers out of their eyes and bad guys were magnetic.  It also taught us kids that even people in wheel-chairs could be heros...as long as they use their telepathy for good.

#2.  Animaniacs

Basically the same as Tiny Toon Adventures, but with more of an emphasis on child development.  For example, their "Good Idea, Bad Idea" segment gave us kids guidance and wisdom that we might not otherwise have received.  Such as, Good Idea = whistling while you work, Bad Idea = whistling while you eat.

At the end of some episodes they also had their "Wheel of Morality" where we learned such timeless truths as "Early to rise and early to bed, makes a man healthy, but socially dead".  See the rest below:

#1.  The "Real" Ghostbusters

That's right.  The "Real" Ghostbusters.  Not those fake poser ghostbusters Filmation was pushing.    It taught me to "not be afraid of no ghosts".  It seems like a small life-lesson now, but there is probably no greater lesson that a young 8-year old child could learn.  At a time when ghosts, goblins, and boogey-
people were a serious threat to be concerned about, Egon, Peter, Winston, and Ray alleviated my childhood fears.  They gave me hope, strength, and a wide variety of action figures to keep my mind off the ghoulies in my closet.

Worst Christmas Gifts

Some of the worst Christmas gifts a child can receive are also some of the most popular.  Save yourself some money and embarrassment by not purchasing any of the following.



Board Games:

There are multiple reasons to not buy board games for kids.  First off, the age range is never right.  Just because the box says "Ages 2 and Up" doesn't mean you're going to get your toddler to sit down and play.  I can hardly get my kids to sit for five minutes to eat pizza and ice cream, they sure aren't about to sit for some boring game.  Do you know any toddlers that are great at sitting still and taking turns?  I don't.

Plus, most games that are designed for 2-6 year-olds involve a solid five to ten minutes of parental set-up to the child's five to ten seconds of destruction.  Don't Break The Ice is a prime example.  I've never seen a 6 year-old actually play Don't Break The Ice by the book.  You might as well call the game Break The Ice With One Swing, because that's how it's played.

Preparation Time: 10 minutesPlay Time: 5 seconds

Secondly, I'm going to have to play the games with my kids.  I'm all about spending time with the children, but when I play a game, I play to win.  I don't believe in letting kids win.  I believe in showing them how bad they suck at something so they'll want to get better.  When you play a game with Daddy, you don't get any participation trophies.

I told you. I play to win.

Plus, all those board games come with tiny, choke-hazard sized pieces that will get lost.  Trouble had the right idea by enclosing the die (dice are always the first things to be lost), but they still have 16 other losable parts just waiting to be lodged in my baby's throat.  Skip the death trap and buy a movie. 




Things That Make Noise:  This should pretty much speak for itself.  I'm mainly concerned with musical instruments here.  There is a place for the musical arts, but it's not in my house.  Have you ever heard a kid practicing an instrument?  If you're not convinced, just see how much of this 9 minute and 45 second video you can watch:


Things That Require Batteries:  This is probably the most important category as it covers a lot of other annoying things that you should not buy, such as anything that lights up, plays music, giggles, talks, or wets itself.  I swear that people without kids or people who haven't raised kids in a long time (yes, I'm talking about you Mom) don't understand how expensive batteries are.  They're not cheap, so unless your light-up Press 'n' Play Jukebox comes with rechargeable batteries (and a charger) please don't give it to my kid.


Gift-givers also don't understand how quickly children run through batteries.  They can hardly remember to wipe their butts immediately after pooping, so take a guess at how good they are at remembering to turn their toys off.  If you said 'Amazingly Horrible' you're close.  Over Thanksgiving, my children managed to run through two sets of 'D' batteries while playing flashlight tag with their cousin.  Two sets!   Then, there are those batteries that just refuse to die.  They can sit inside your Teddy Ruxpin for twenty years and that pudgy bear will still tell you all about the Mushroom Forest, albeit in a creepy, super-slow, demonic voice.

The worst are the toys that require those weird, flat batteries--the ones you have to special order from overseas--that look like Smarties.  Great design plan Energizer, making batteries the size and shape of children's candy.

Deadly!!! But, tasty.

That pretty well covers most of the things you should not buy for kids.  But, what about the babies?  I've created a list of the 10 Worst Possible Things you could buy a baby.  Honestly, when it comes to buying baby presents there are only three things you should even consider:  diapers, wipes, or food.  There is no reason to give a child under the age of two anything for Christmas.  They have no clue what's going on.  It's best to just prop them up in the corner by the tree and enjoy your eggnog.

Merry Christmas!

Dumb Questions

"There is no such thing as a dumb question" - I don't know who came up with such nonsense, but I can guarantee that whoever it was didn't have any children.  Dumb questions pour out of my kids all day long and by noon I find myself answering all of them with either "Because I said so" or one of my personal favorites, plain old "No".  By the end of the day, the English language has failed me and I find it best to resort to body language.

Kids are full of questions and over the course of a day they might ask hundreds of them.  Ninety percent of them are valid questions that arise out of a child's natural curiosity.  The other ten percent are forged from the tongues of mischievous hell-fire demons.   What makes a question dumb?  Any question that has an obvious answer.  Here are a few of the most often asked dumb questions.

#6.  "Where's Momma?"

My wife leaves for work every morning around 7:15.  My daughter wakes up around 8.  But it never fails, every day, the first words out of my daughter's mouth are "Where's Momma?".  By Friday morning, I feel like Phil Connors.

#5.  "Do I have to go to school today?"

It's rarely a concern that my son is unsure whether it's Saturday or Wednesday.  The boy is obsessed with watches, clocks, and calendars, so he knows exactly what day it is.  Yes, you do have to go to school and no, you can't wear your pajamas.  You feel sick?  Prove it by throwing up.  Oh, you threw up?  Now don't you feel better?  Go catch the bus.

Toddler Activities

Kids always have energy, way more than us parents can ever hope to have.  Keep them busy with these fun toddler activities.

#10 - Piggy Back Rides:  Kids get heavy after awhile and lugging a stroller around all day can be a pain.  Put them up on your shoulders for easy carrying.  It may also cool you off on a hot day.

#9 - Duck, Duck, Goose:  A classic kids' game that will never grow old...unless you're the goose.

#8 - Exploring Nature:  Your children are never too young to enjoy a trip to the zoo.  It's a great place to learn about how animals function.

#7 - Cooking:  My kids love to help me cook.  It can be as simple as hitting the buttons on the microwave or mixing ingredients together in a bowl.  I don't necessarily recommend eating anything they cook though.

#6 - Reading:  The earlier you start reading to your kids, the better off they are.  At this point, they'll just be looking at the pictures, but later they'll swear they just read it for the articles.

#5 - Scavenger Hunts:  Kids love playing Hide 'n' Seek.  A scavenger hunt is Hide 'n' Seek for kids with no friends.  Make up a list of things for your kids to find and send them outdoors.

#4 - Guessing Games:  Kids love to play guessing games like "Guess What's Behind My Back" or "Guess What's Smeared All Over Me".  Enjoy.

#3 - Playing With The Family Pet:  We can send our son outside to play with the dog and he will be busy for a solid hour.  I don't know what they do out there, but I'm sure they're both having a good time.

#2 - Embarassing Mom and Dad:  Kids absolutely love this activity.  Whether it's farting during the silent prayer or cursing in front of Grandma, your toddler will never fail to surprise you.

#1 - Fingerpainting:  Kids love making messes.  Fingerpainting is messy, but you can usually contain it to a sheet or two of paper.  Usually.

You may also want to choose a different medium, like actual finger-paint.  If nothing else, it'll tire your kid out.  Whatever activities you decide to do with your toddler, be sure to take a picture.  You might actually laugh about it later.



Special Thanks: to my good friend Ruzi for sending me an e-mail with these hilarious pictures and many more.  If you have have any funny photos you can share them by visiting The Parenting Dad on Facebook.