Worst Christmas Gifts

Some of the worst Christmas gifts a child can receive are also some of the most popular.  Save yourself some money and embarrassment by not purchasing any of the following.



Board Games:

There are multiple reasons to not buy board games for kids.  First off, the age range is never right.  Just because the box says "Ages 2 and Up" doesn't mean you're going to get your toddler to sit down and play.  I can hardly get my kids to sit for five minutes to eat pizza and ice cream, they sure aren't about to sit for some boring game.  Do you know any toddlers that are great at sitting still and taking turns?  I don't.

Plus, most games that are designed for 2-6 year-olds involve a solid five to ten minutes of parental set-up to the child's five to ten seconds of destruction.  Don't Break The Ice is a prime example.  I've never seen a 6 year-old actually play Don't Break The Ice by the book.  You might as well call the game Break The Ice With One Swing, because that's how it's played.

Preparation Time: 10 minutesPlay Time: 5 seconds

Secondly, I'm going to have to play the games with my kids.  I'm all about spending time with the children, but when I play a game, I play to win.  I don't believe in letting kids win.  I believe in showing them how bad they suck at something so they'll want to get better.  When you play a game with Daddy, you don't get any participation trophies.

I told you. I play to win.

Plus, all those board games come with tiny, choke-hazard sized pieces that will get lost.  Trouble had the right idea by enclosing the die (dice are always the first things to be lost), but they still have 16 other losable parts just waiting to be lodged in my baby's throat.  Skip the death trap and buy a movie. 




Things That Make Noise:  This should pretty much speak for itself.  I'm mainly concerned with musical instruments here.  There is a place for the musical arts, but it's not in my house.  Have you ever heard a kid practicing an instrument?  If you're not convinced, just see how much of this 9 minute and 45 second video you can watch:


Things That Require Batteries:  This is probably the most important category as it covers a lot of other annoying things that you should not buy, such as anything that lights up, plays music, giggles, talks, or wets itself.  I swear that people without kids or people who haven't raised kids in a long time (yes, I'm talking about you Mom) don't understand how expensive batteries are.  They're not cheap, so unless your light-up Press 'n' Play Jukebox comes with rechargeable batteries (and a charger) please don't give it to my kid.


Gift-givers also don't understand how quickly children run through batteries.  They can hardly remember to wipe their butts immediately after pooping, so take a guess at how good they are at remembering to turn their toys off.  If you said 'Amazingly Horrible' you're close.  Over Thanksgiving, my children managed to run through two sets of 'D' batteries while playing flashlight tag with their cousin.  Two sets!   Then, there are those batteries that just refuse to die.  They can sit inside your Teddy Ruxpin for twenty years and that pudgy bear will still tell you all about the Mushroom Forest, albeit in a creepy, super-slow, demonic voice.

The worst are the toys that require those weird, flat batteries--the ones you have to special order from overseas--that look like Smarties.  Great design plan Energizer, making batteries the size and shape of children's candy.

Deadly!!! But, tasty.

That pretty well covers most of the things you should not buy for kids.  But, what about the babies?  I've created a list of the 10 Worst Possible Things you could buy a baby.  Honestly, when it comes to buying baby presents there are only three things you should even consider:  diapers, wipes, or food.  There is no reason to give a child under the age of two anything for Christmas.  They have no clue what's going on.  It's best to just prop them up in the corner by the tree and enjoy your eggnog.

Merry Christmas!