Pointless Baby Items

For the love of babies.  There are just some things you should avoid buying for your precious bundle of joy.  If you get any of these items from loving friends and family, say "Thank You", but keep the receipt.  And don't even think about re-gifting.

#10.  Baby Bathtub

 This is probably the most annoying piece of baby equipment available.  It doesn't fit nicely in a bathroom closet and you can't store it under the sink.   So what do you do with it?  You store it in the bathtub.  That's right, you keep the baby bathtub inside the regular tub.  With our firstborn, we didn't have two bathrooms, so we had to pull the baby's tub out before we could take a shower.  

If you've ever had the displeasure of using one of these things, you know that it's impossible to get all the water out.  Plus, you get a little absent-minded with your first child and, more than likely, you forgot to empty the baby tub the night before.  In the morning, when you get ready to take your shower, you pull the tub out only to get an icy cold blast of day-old bath water all over the floor and yourself.  It's not a nice surprise first thing in the morning, but it'll wake you up.

#9.  Wet Wipe  and Bottle Warmers

Do we really need to pamper our babies like this?  Wet wipes should stay wet.  All that these warmers do is slowly dry them out.  Then you're left dry-rubbing your baby's butt raw.  You might as well use regular toilet paper; it's cheaper.

A bottle warmer is just as pointless.  Sure your kid will have a nice warm bottle to drink, but you'll be stuck listening to its screams of hunger for at least 90 seconds.  That's a minute and a half of psychological trauma that makes your kid wonder, "What's taking so long, doesn't my Mommy love me?"  Give 'em a cold bottle, it will make transitioning to regular milk easier when they turn 1.


#8.  Diaper Genie and Baby Changing Covers

We tried out a diaper genie for about four months; it doesn't work.  I don't care how many layers of scented, antimicrobial, odor-barrier technology enhanced plastic you use, it's no match for meconium.  You're going to waste half of a roll just trying to install the re-fill.  And, with each re-fill running around 35 dollars, I'd rather trash the poo-poo platter in old Wal-Mart sacks, buy a set of $5 nose-plugs, and spend the remaining 30 bucks on beer and meat.

#7.  Baby Shoes

I get it.  They're cute.  Other than that, they serve no purpose.  It's not like your baby is going to be walking anytime soon.  If by some miracle your kid is one of the prodigies that walks at six months, you're going to need some real shoes, not these floppy baby shoes that you can roll up and stuff inside each other like socks.

Plus, infants figure out how to use their hands and opposable thumbs before they learn how to use their feet.  So they're going to be pulling those shoes off quicker than you can wrestle their tiny toes into them.

#6.  Baby Bibs

Bibs seem like a good idea at first.  Then you realize that bibs don't cover everything and even if they did, babies are crafty.  They'll figure out a way to stain just about anything you put on them.  The best thing to do is keep your babies naked at feeding time.  If you just want something cute to catch the drool, then by all means, get some bibs, but don't expect them to do much else.


#5.  Activity Mat

We received an activity mat from some great friends of ours (I know you're reading Mark and Brandi) and for the first two or three months our son loved it; then he learned to crawl.

Mats are great as long as your child remains an immobile water-logged blob.  But once they start moving, they're more interested in the various choking hazards found in your carpet than the soft, cushy mat you placed them on.  They are also a nightmare to wash.  If you've ever fed a baby, burped the thing and then laid it on its stomach, you know what I'm talking about.  Just set them down on a blanket and pillow for tummy time.

#4.  Baby Toothbrush

The only finger I'm sticking in these things is the middle one.  Your kid is going to lose all those teeth eventually anyway.  The sooner they get it over with the better.  It'd be one thing if they were made of some type of material that used the words "reinforced" or "Kevlar".

 Instead, it's a thin piece of rubber that the company expects you to slip a finger inside and then prod around inside the mouth of a kid who's world revolves around sticking everything inside her mouth and clamping down on it.  No thanks.  A toddler's brush works just as well and keeps your delicate fingers out of the biting zone.

#3.  Baby Monitors

We used these with our first child because we thought that's what parents were supposed to do.  Then we realized babies scream at the top of their lungs when they want something.

 If your house is big enough that you can't hear your baby crying for a bottle, then you can probably afford to hire a migrant worker to take care of it for you.  So unless you just like to listen to the soft breathing noises of a sleeping baby, save yourself the one hundred-dollar night-vision video monitor.  That money would be better spend on a new stereo to drown out the cries of a colicky baby.

#2.  Baby Toys in General

Here is a list of toys to buy your kid: a rattle.  Anything else is just wasting your money.  Babies aren't interested in toys.  They're interested in their parents and their parents' toys.  They'll play with your shoes, socks, laptop, Nook, car keys, important documents, books, porcelain figurines, cabinet doors, and just about anything else you don't want them to play with.

 Besides, most baby toys take four or five Double D batteries and/or make noise.  More noise is that last thing needed in the house of a newborn.  Purchase a rattle.  It makes a tolerable level of noise and you'll only have one ankle-breaking toy to dodge in the middle of the night when you make that dark trek to the kitchen for baby's bottle.

#1.  Baby Crib

Three words.  Pack. N. Play.  Or, two words and a letter, whatever.  Cribs are a pain to put together the first time.  Most cribs sold today convert into toddler beds and twin beds later on, so you're going to be taking this thing apart and re-arranging it multiple times.  Question: How well do you think it's going to hold up over the course of your child's life?  Answer: Not well.  Kids ruin everything they touch.  Buy a Pack'N'Play.  They're portable and you can turn them upside down.

Credits:  I have my wife to thank for this post.  She recently posted on Facebook about the five things every parent needs and the five things they should avoid.  She's an amazing woman, but for the love of babies, would you please stop buying shoes for Elizabeth!