Baby Care Advice

I wish there would have been some useful baby care advice around for us when we had our firstborn.  Unfortunately, all we had were those pre-pregnancy classes at the hospital.  Don't get me wrong, watching a row of twenty women practice lamaze breathing and performing cpr on baby-sized dummies was entertaining, but, overall, the class was less than informational.  Save yourself the week-long class and read the advice below.  Besides, football starts soon and you don't want to spend your Monday and Thursdays learning how to care for your baby when you could be drinking an ice cold brew and yelling at the replacement refs.

Brushing Teeth

It's best to just skip this completely.  Your kid is going to lose those teeth anyway.  Why bother keeping them clean?  Unless you're one of those weirdos that keeps your kid's teeth in a plastic baggie (Hi Mom!!!) let 'em rot right out of their mouth.  I recommend giving your child a soda for both breakfast and dinner.  It will speed up the process and the sugar crash hours later makes the transition to "sleepy time" smooth.

As the video below will demonstrate, it's also fun to fill baby bottles with soda, shake 'em up, and see what happens.


I'm still trying to get one of these nipples to explode.  Until then, they make excellent squirt guns.

Bath Time

Bath time can be a pain, especially if you have multiple kids in the house.  I have to buy manly shampoo for myself, something purple for the wife, and toddler 3-in-1 for the kids.  I don't want to buy a fourth type of shampoo (tearless) and body lotion for the baby.  The solution?  Wet wipes!  You have them around the house anyway and they're cheaper than running bath water in one of those pointless baby tubs.  Plus, you won't need to buy that expensive Tearless shampoo or body lotion.  After 3 or 4 wet wipe baths, you might even begin to enjoy the lemon fresh scent of your newborn.  If not, you can always buy the unscented wipes for a more natural aroma.

It's a bath tub that you keep inside your bath tub

Baby Proofing

The baby proofing industry is a scam.  All that stuff seems fairly inexpensive at first, but by the time you purchase socket guards, corner rounders, door knobs, potty latches, and more, you're talking a good amount of money.  The surprising thing is that you don't need any of that junk.  Section off a corner of your room and trap the little Lemming inside.  Set out some food, water, and if you have quick learner, go ahead and throw a potty in there and hope for the best.  You never know.  Baby stays safe and has all she needs right in her own little world.

The open floor plan is highly desired in new home construction, but they spell disaster for trying to corral your crawling bundle of joy.

Hair Care

 

Thankfully, our babies were all born bald, which as unsightly as it was, turned out to be a great thing.  I never had to worry about doing their hair until they were much older.  We keep the boy's locks trimmed to a nice Army Recruit length, but the girl is another story.  Check out my girl hair style tips to learn more.

You may want to print out this baby care advice, laminate it, and hang it someplace useful for a quick reference.  (Stay tuned for the Poster!)  Once you've built your baby's Lemming room, I recommend hanging it there.