The Parenting Dad: Don't Take Your Underwear Off At The Table

Last night's all-nude dinner makes me think we need to start working on how to define modesty with our daughter. It's been awhile since we've laughed in disbelief at something that has come out of our mouths. Ironically, it was while we were stuffing things in our mouths that this new house rule came out.

"Don't Take Your Underwear Off At The Table"

It's very rare in our house for people to be fully clothed. It's more of a convenience thing than an "embracing nature" thing. As the one who does a majority of the laundry in the house, I've found that I can save myself nearly a full load by keeping the kids topless during meals; it removes the need for an "After Dinner" shirt. At six years of age, this isn't really a problem for our son. He's pretty well mastered self-feeding, but, when the SpaghettiOs come out, the shirt comes off.

Staining shirts since 1965

The girls are another story. The baby has sported the "diaper only" look for most of the summer. The main reason...she's a puker. This girl cannot drink a bottle of milk without puking it right back up. She ruined a few footed pajamas over the winter and while the warm feeling of freshly vomited formula soaking through your clothes was comforting on those cool winter nights, I wasn't looking forward to having vomit soaked shirts sticking to me or the baby over summer vacation.

That's rice not puke, but it looks about the same.

Many parents use bibs to keep their kids' clothes free from puke and stains, but let's face it, bibs don't work. Babies may not be quick on their feet, but their arms and hands compensate. One of those appendages is going to knock the spoon off course and instead of the food-packed airplane easing into a slobbery hanger, it's on a crash course for a sleeve, the head, or worse yet, it's going to dump it's cargo at sea. Bet you wish you had a bib over those bloomers now.
Semi-nude meals are the way to go. Daddy is topless, the baby is naked, and clean-up is a breeze. If you can't clean a mess up with one wet-wipe, then you're doing it wrong. (Note: The "One Wet Wipe" rule does not apply to diaper changes. The current household record is 9 wipes in one changing ,set by our youngest on May 9th, 2012 at approximately 11:20 a.m., four hours after my wife fed her prunes for breakfast and then left for work.) Wet wipes also work great for cleaning solidified food from the dinner table, sanitizing any germs that have broken the "5 Second Rule", and giving the baby a bath.

Almost as many uses as duct tape

Our oldest daughter is quite the exhibitionist. During potty training we had to revoke "Pants Privileges" from Leah many times. It works like this: If you have been asked to use the restroom, refuse to do so, and later soak through your skivvies and pants, you no longer get to wear pants. This worked for awhile until she decided to just stop wearing pants; she has her Daddy's stubbornness. So she's usually sporting a shirt and some underwear.
Every now and then she goes on a dress wearing spree. Yesterday was one such day. She started with a summer dress, later put on a Dora shirt, and ended up in a formal gown by dinner time. She tried to change once again after dinner. Before bed she would ask to sleep in her Dora dress; I was able to talk her down to Dora pajamas. WITH BOTTOMS!!!

I'll wear the pajamas, but only if I keep the hair bow.

Yesterday's dinner was maple syrup chicken and rice which my wife decided should be drowned in BBQ sauce. Personally, I thought it tasted great plain, but drowning food in brown sugar laden sauce is a great way to get your kids to eat it.

There was no way we were going to let her wear her Sunday dress while trying to shovel fork loads of BBQ sauce (sprinkled with bits of chicken) into her mouth. My wife slipped Leah's dress up over her head while I continued eating. It was two or three delicious bites later that I heard my wife laying out a rule I thought we'd never have to make..."Don't Take Your Underwear Off At The Table".