Pinewood Derby Photos

Photos from last week's Pinewood Derby.

  Numbers don't lie. Our car was slow.

  I asked to take his picture and he pulled a 'gangsta drop' on me. It's the derby yo. Recognize!

 Waiting for the official weigh-in and inspection.

 He's probably thinking, "Not another damn Lightning McQueen car".

  Derby cars assemble...

 A ton of celebrities showed up for the event: Thomas the Train, Lightning McQueen, Mario, Bowser, and a couple of the Avengers. Okay, so maybe not a ton, more like 30 ounces.

 The best seats in the house are at the end of the race. That's where things are most likely to go wrong.

 There's at least one car we beat.

 We hereby recognize your father's engineering failure with this tiny participation trophy.

Want to read more about my failures in these Pinewood Derby Cub Scout Games?

Do Not Eat Kitty Litter (Especially Used Kitty Litter)

Cats and babies can make for a cute combination.  Cat litter and babies can not.  This is probably the grossest rule we've ever had to make.  Thankfully, I didn't have to actually witness the following events.

The scene of the crime

 I was sleeping away most of the morning (I had just worked my one midnight-shift for the week), so I didn't get to partake in any of this fun.  But, I'm sure my wife would tell you that the words written here can not even begin to describe the horrors of what transpired on a cold, wintry Saturday morn.

Everybody was downstairs in the basement watching cartoons---a Saturday morning ritual---and easing their way into the weekend.  Me-maw even came over as there were plans to get the kids out of the house while Daddy slept.

At some point, the baby broke through her baby gate (by baby gate I mean a coffee table flipped on its side and propped in front of the hallway) and made her way towards the kitty's bathroom.  Whether she was chasing the cat or simply exploring her surroundings, I don't know.  It doesn't matter.  What does matter is this...

...going into my baby's mouth.  To be fair, those little chunks of blue do make it look appetizing.  If I didn't know this was a clump of cat urine and tiny clay pebbles, I'd be inclined to try it myself.   After discovering the baby dining upon doody, Momma and Me-Maw went into action with teamwork worthy of a Nascar Pit Crew and the speed of Colin Kaepernick.

Me-Maw held the baby's jaw open while Momma started scraping kitty litter out. After realizing how much litter was actually in there, the process was moved to the bathtub. Not only did this provide a place to collect the litter easily (the tub), it also gave the Momma-Me-Maw team a means to scrape out the remaining kitty litter---a toothbrush---which we now have to replace. Nothing ruins a toothbrush quicker than cat urine.

After all the litter was removed, the baby had her bath and was ready to put on new clothes.  As Momma laid baby down on the changing table to put a fresh diaper on, she noticed something.  That's right, more kitty litter.

Have you ever eaten a sandwich and had it stick to the roof of your mouth?  Well, considering the baby had just eaten a "shit sandwich", it's no surprise that it stuck to her palate.  Back to scraping.

To top it all off, later in the evening we were eating Chinese food.  I broke off a piece of crab-rangoon and fed it to the baby.  She immediately spit it out with a look of disgust on her face.  Apparently, she'd rather eat cat-piss flavored clay.

The Grouch

What is it about the trash can that fascinates the baby?  Is she searching for Oscar?  Lost gold?  I wish it were either of those.  In the case of Libby, she's searching for something to eat.  It should come as no surprise.  The trash can is actually a step up for her considering her fondness of digging through the litter-box for something to eat.

I can usually catch her before she pulls too much trash out.  Not today though.  Baby loves pudding cups.  Even pudding cups that have been in the trash so long that only liquid chocolate remains.  Yummers!

Reason To Have Kids #21: Sharing Childhood Cartoons

Cartoons for kids these days are horrible.  Maybe it's just that I'm getting older, but seriously, I can't bear the pain of sitting down and having to watch Dora, Umizoomi, Bubbleguppies, or any of the mind-numbing shows on t.v. now.   Don't get me wrong, I think it's great that these shows are teaching my kids basic math, colors, and shapes, but what about important life lessons?

Back in the day, us kids didn't learn about colors and shapes from the television, that's what school was for.  Our cartoons contained valuable life lessons  (mixed with a little violence) that would help shape us into the people we are today.

Great Reason To Have Kids #21:  Sharing the cartoons you grew up on.  Thanks to the local library,  I've been able to check out pretty much every series I watched as a kid.  Here are some of the best cartoons from my era and the valuable life lessons they teach.

#10.  C.O.P.S.

Each episode of cops would end with a public-service announcement directed at kids.  We learned that drugs and gangs were bad, and we were taught important safety issues like "Don't take candy from strangers".  Plus, we also picked up cool taglines like, "It's crime-fighting time" and "Crime's a wasting".  It worked well for introducing children to officers, but it lands the #10 spot because later in life you realize that 90 percent of the shows on t.v. are cop-related.  The other ten are lawyer and doctor based.

#9.  Beetlejuice

While we didn't learn any numbers or silly songs, Beetlejuice taught us one of the most important lessons of all.  Love and friendship knows no bounds.  Love sees through skin color, religion, and state of existence.

#8.  Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Until they came around, turtles were nothing but boring, slow reptiles that were constantly ridiculed by their faster, hairier antagonists.  The heroes in a half-shell taught us to think outside the box.  It gave us earth-shattering ideas like, 'Turtles can be quick and dangerous' and my personal favorite, 'Ice cream tastes great on pizza'.   I never did understand the mask thing though.  It's not like they had day jobs at the local newspaper and needed to conceal their true identities.

#7.  Transformers

I believe Transformers is the reason many people are cross-country drivers today.  What kid didn't want his own Optimus Prime to cruise around in?  So, thank you super robot life forms for helping contribute to a strong American work force.

#6.  G.I. Joe

G.I. Joe was about more than just standing up for justice and fighting terrorists.  It operated on a more subliminal level, but it dealt heavily with social issues.  It's been awhile since I've watched it, but I'm pretty sure the screen shot above was from their ground-breaking  "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" episode.

#5.  Batman: The Animated Series

For the longest time, we had to watch cartoons about superheroes with special powers.  We could only sit back and daydream about the ability to shoot fire from our finger tips or fly.  Most of us young boys spent a lot of time wishing for x-ray vision.  Batman taught us that you didn't need any super-powers to be a hero.  All you needed was money.  Lots and lots of money.

#4.  Tiny Toon Adventures

Tiny Toon Adventures was basically Saturday Night Live for kids.  It engaged us with the world around us.  It was full of political parodies, pop music, and fake news reports. If you were one of those kids that had to watch the evening news with your parents, you probably enjoyed this cartoon more.  If not, it was still funny and had cartoon violence.

#3.  X-Men

Learned about the epic battle between good and evil as well as how to tell the good guys from the bad guys.  Good guys could shoot lasers out of their eyes and bad guys were magnetic.  It also taught us kids that even people in wheel-chairs could be heros...as long as they use their telepathy for good.

#2.  Animaniacs

Basically the same as Tiny Toon Adventures, but with more of an emphasis on child development.  For example, their "Good Idea, Bad Idea" segment gave us kids guidance and wisdom that we might not otherwise have received.  Such as, Good Idea = whistling while you work, Bad Idea = whistling while you eat.

At the end of some episodes they also had their "Wheel of Morality" where we learned such timeless truths as "Early to rise and early to bed, makes a man healthy, but socially dead".  See the rest below:

#1.  The "Real" Ghostbusters

That's right.  The "Real" Ghostbusters.  Not those fake poser ghostbusters Filmation was pushing.    It taught me to "not be afraid of no ghosts".  It seems like a small life-lesson now, but there is probably no greater lesson that a young 8-year old child could learn.  At a time when ghosts, goblins, and boogey-
people were a serious threat to be concerned about, Egon, Peter, Winston, and Ray alleviated my childhood fears.  They gave me hope, strength, and a wide variety of action figures to keep my mind off the ghoulies in my closet.

Walk Around in Circles

Yesterday, the wife and I were discussing some of our favorite things that the kids do.  It's a healthy practice to remind yourself that between the constant whining, sibling rivalries, and animal abuse, your kids can sometimes be a source of joy.  Sometimes.

One of our favorite things about the baby is her constant walking in circles.  Whether we're standing around talking or sitting down chatting, the baby will tend to just walk aimlessly between the two of us in tiny circles.  It's cute when she does it.  The boy used to do the same thing when he was her age.  Except when he did it, we didn't think it was cute.  We thought it was autism.  Of course, he'd also be stimming visually, vocally, and physically.  We worried a lot about our firstborn.

With the baby there are no worries.  She's our third child now and I've found that your level of apprehension decreases with each child.  Then again, maybe there is one aspect about the baby's walking that concerns us:

After School Adventures

If you've ever seen Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, then you'll know that the after school adventures of a grade-schooler are a close comparison.  But, unlike the exploits of Mr. Murray, what happens after school everyday isn't funny.

It all starts when the girl gets home from Pre-K.  Thankfully, the bus pulls right up to our garage door (it's a short bus) and drops her off.  At least I don't have to stand out by the highway waiting for her.  The first thing my daughter says to me each day is "Daddy, can I have some chocolate milk?"  This is followed immediately by "Wanna watcha movie!!!".

Every.

Single.

Day.

THE Short Bus

I have no problem with this routine.  It keeps her happy and out of my hair so I can get dinner started.  Dinner is a whole other adventure.  Then it's time to get the boy.  His after school adventures are enough to keep the Duggars from pro-creating.  It starts when he gets off the bus and skips across the highway into the van where I'm waiting for him.

Maybe I should try some new techniques.

This is where I realize I lack the skills to be an interrogator.  Every day I try to pump him for information about how his school day went.  And every day, he responds with  "Good".  I try asking what he did that day.  And every day, he responds with "It was good".  "What was good?", I say.  "What we did was good Daddy."  (sigh)

Open-ended questions do not work either.  I've tried every possible form of open-endedry without results.  "Tell me about your day son".  "It was good".  By this point, he's gotten Better Than Ezra stuck in my head, so I let the questioning go and head back to the house.

They accidentally added an "S" at the end of HIT.

By the time the boy gets home from school, the last thing he wants to do is homework.  I can't say that I blame him.  He's been at school all day, he's hungry, and he hasn't watched t.v. in almost nine hours.  Poor kid.  But, experience has taught me that if he doesn't do his school work early in the evening, he will use it as a way to stay up an hour past his bedtime.

Homework is strong evidence in support of not having children.  It's painful.  If you thought doing your homework was painful, wait until you have to watch other people do their homework.  Remember those "group projects" in school?  There was always that one kid that never helped out and wanted the group to do his work for him.  That's your kid.

Get used to that look. You'll be seeing a lot of it.

Only now, instead of just sitting there wanting you to do the work,  you also have to listen to whining about how hard everything is, how much homework is stupid, and how he wants some chocolate milk.

I was a little worried at the beginning of the school year when the boy's teacher sent home her first edition of "First Grade News".  It stated that she would send home the answers to math homework in case we get stuck or to check our work.  It made me wonder.  How hard is 1st grade math, that parents are going to get stuck?

At first I thought maybe the American Math Program was finally going to catch up to the rest of the world.  Then I saw how simple his math problems were.  Then, I realized, she probably sends home the answers because a parent in the past was having trouble helping his child.  'MERICA!!!

Having done a semester's worth of math homework with the boy, I now realize why she sends the answers home.  It's not for the parents.  She sends it home so your kid can do the work by himself and check his own answers while you do something really important...Like reading quality parenting advice.

Pointing Fingers

As I was trying to eat, my daughter exclaimed "Look Daddy, I got it".  I look over and see her holding a wadded up tissue with a booger hanging from it.

Yes, hanging from it--suspended by it's own sticky string of snot. She finds this amusing and starts laughing as she swings it around.

The booger falls.

"Uh-oh" she says before she picks it up and places it back on the tissue. As if this wasn't bad enough, I'm eating during all this. I'm not about to quit though. Not when lunch is topped with Real Bacon Bits.

I bet you thought, I'd show a picture of her booger didn't you?

Dinner Time

Dinner time has to be one of the most stressful parts of parenting young children, second only to potty-training.  If more sex-ed classes included meal-time footage of the dinner table, we'd have a lot less kids getting their driver's license the same time they receive baby-formula vouchers.  So what's so bad about dinner time?

First of all, there's the mess.  At some point, you have to let your children learn how to feed themselves.  The problem is kids lack coordination.  I've seen spoons full of Spaghetti-O's miss the mouth entirely and crash right into a cheek.  I've seen mashed potatoes bypass the mouth entirely, in an attempt to take the scenic route through the nose.   In time, they often overcome this debilitating ailment, though some live an entire lifetime never able to hold an open-container full of liquid without spilling it.

It's not any better if you're the one feeding the child.  From what I've seen, babies are born with mad kung-fu skills.  Just when you think those sweet peas are about to enter sweet rest inside your child's mouth, your kid hits you with a "Wax-On/Wax-Off" move that sends peas flying across the room.

Lack of coordination can lead to a serious drinking problem.

Besides spilling colored juices and chocolate milk onto light-colored carpets, young children also have a tendency to decorate with food instead of eating it.  It's gotten so bad with our daughter that we have to keep her topless at the dinner table.  If table nudity is frowned upon, I recommend having a special "eating" shirt for your kids to wear.

Don't decorate. MASTICATE!!!

What make the messiness even grosser is the fact that the older kids, don't ever seem to care how messy they get.  The boy is old enough to wash his hands and face by himself.  So why is it that he can't seem to wipe dinner off his jaw when he's done eating?  Sometimes, I'll just let him and the girl both walk around with food on their face to see how long it takes them to notice.  They never do.  The girl has walked around the house with a 70's porn 'stache made of pudding for the better part of an entire day.

You can get used to the mess after awhile.  The hardest moments at dinner time revolve around the act of eating.  Trying to get the kids to eat is like trying to get our dog to stop licking her naughty bits.  Neither one happens often and even if they do the end result is bad breath.  First off, you have to deal with the whining.

The Boy:  What's for dinner Dad?

Me:  I'm making pasta roll-ups.

The Boy:  Ewww.  I don't like those.

Me:  I have never made these before in my entire 32 years of existence on this planet.  You don't know if you like it or not.

The Boy:  Can I have chicken nuggets?

It doesn't matter what I make for dinner.  The kids will say they hate it and then we begin a ten-minute discussion on why they can't have nuggets, a sandwich, or Pop-Tarts for dinner.  Lately, I've found that if I just say it has cheese in it the discussion will stop.  Kids love cheese.

 Especially in stick form.

 Once dinner is actually on the table, the negotiations for chocolate milk begin.  If my kids had their way, they would live off of chocolate milk alone.  To them, the meals are just the dirty work they have to do before they can receive their payment of chocolate gold.  The kids offer up their deals:

The Boy:  Dad, how about I take five bites and then I can have some milk?

Me:  No, you need to eat your food.

The Boy:  Okay, how about I take five bites of pasta and three bites of corn?

Me:  Eat your food.

The Boy:  Listen Daddy.  I'll take ten bites of food.  Then I'm going to need some chocolate milk?

At this point, I usually threaten to take away something he loves (usually his hanger) if he doesn't quiet down and eat up.  At least the boy might have a bright future in hostage negotiations.

Once they finally eat enough to satisfy the cook, they are allowed to have their precious milk.  Approximately twenty minutes later comes the most frustrating phrase in existence.

Dad?  I'm kinda hungry.

Reason To Have Kids #8

While kids mostly make you crazy, there are a few, shining moments when they can really make you laugh.  Nothing is funnier than a child's face when they're pooping.  Nothing.

What's Inside My Body?

The boy received many books for Christmas, but my favorite would have to be What's Inside My Body?.  Besides the title, which is good for a couple laughs, it reminded me of a rule we had to create for the Girl.  Some of the things you have to say to your kids are hilarious.  But, some of the things you overhear your spouse telling your kids in another room are even funnier.   It happened around two years ago, but the book title jogged my memory as if it happened yesterday.

I was hard at it on the computer, typing away, working on another website.

Focused.

In the zone.

I could hear some shuffling and struggling going on between the Girl and my wife, but I was able to ignore it.  I was determined to finish what I was working on.  Then I overheard my wife saying,  "Yes, there are many interesting holes in our bodies, but fingers do not belong in any of them".  Now, I can't remember what exactly was going on between the two of them and, personally, I think this rule is funnier if I don't know which finger was in which hole.  Regardless of finger placement, this rule is pretty solid.

Don't put fingers in your body's holes.

Honey-Snot Cheerios

Cheerios-Now with extra nutrients.

Temporary Tattoos, Permanent Fears

My daughter loves temporary tattoos; this frightens me.

 The girl and Daddy with matching tattoos. My arm is the one on the right.

There is really no good reason to be scared, but, I am.  An example of the irrational mind of a father follows.  One minute he is filled with joy, watching his sweet daughter placing butterfly and Disney Princess ink on her skin.  The next, he sees a vision of tramp stamps and leaving home as she rides tandem with a double-sleeved biker named Snake.

Today, I learned that maybe I should let go of the horrific visions of the future and be more afraid of where she puts the tattoos now.

This morning, we moved away from the precious pink and sparkly tattoos and on to something a little more hardcore.  Pirates!  She took the booty tatt for herself.

I, of course, took the skull and crossbones.

After getting my ink, I went on about my daily business.  Little did I know, the girl wasn't done playing Tattoo Parlor.

Like I said earlier, I should be more worried about where she puts the tattoos now.  But, what's a pirate without a parrot on her shoulder face?  I can't get the baby to sit still with me in the rocking chair.  How did the girl get her to sit still for 30 seconds with a wet rag on her face?  At least she'll look tough in the church nursery.

Only At Mattress Giant. (go ahead and say it....Ooooh Aaaaah)

The girl has been in need of a new bed mattress for some time now.  Her current bed is a hand-me-down from an older brother that liked to pretend his mattress was a trampoline.  It was in rough shape when the boy used it, considering it was previously used by me during my early to mid-twenties--a period I like to call the "Blackout Years".  And, while the boy did his share of puking in the bed, I must admit, that some of those stains are mine, including one memorable one that led me to never drink another drop of hard liquor.  But enough reminiscing.  I want to talk about kids bedding sets, or more importantly, why my kids don't need them.

I've seen some ridiculous bed sets, but my favorite would have to be the Dora bedding that's printed right on the mattress:

I understand the need to market licensed characters, but honestly, what good does Dora's rotund face do on the mattress?  I'm not going to NOT put a bed sheet on it.  It's not like my daughter can see Diego through her bed sheets and one-inch thick piddle-pad.  So, I see no reason to pay over three-hundred dollars for this mattress when I can buy one just as comfortable for seventy bucks.  Then there's this.

We're standing in the mattress store and the salesman is showing us all the different possibilities.  There is the $70 plain-old coil mattress, the $260 Euro top twin, and the $400 Super-duper, Extra-double-padded, Pillow Top Deluxe bedding sets.   He offers to get them down (twins aren't on floor display) so the girl can try them out.  My wife and I look at each other, then at the girl, and decide that's not necessary.

This bed will be used by a 3-year old that weighs somewhere around 25-30 pounds soaking wet.  I think just about any mattress will do.  Besides, kids can fall asleep in just about any environment or position, regardless of bedding.  Perhaps a trip through some old photos could strengthen this argument.

Sometimes it's just not worth walking to your bed.

 This was one of the boy's favorite ways to sleep.

Kids have an amazing ability to fall asleep with all matters of crap on their face.

Like hair-bows...

...or hangers...

...or even, glasses.

This is parenting's version of drawing on the passed out drunk guy.

Children can go to sleep in the middle of eating, so I doubt that Pillow-Top mattress is going to matter.  I like to call this one the Pop-Tart Pass Out.

Is that soft, velvety Euro-cover really going to matter if my kids can fall asleep in a hard plastic chair...

...using a dinner-tray for a pillow?

WARNING:  These next two examples may cause your bones to groan.  Do not look if you pull muscles easily.

There isn't much to say about these sleeping positions other than this:  If your kid can fall asleep like this, it doesn't matter what the hell they're sleeping on.

 I get a crick in my neck every time I see this photo.

Never practice Yoga when you're sleepy.

Seeing as how our kids can sleep in just about any position or situation, I couldn't bring myself to purchase the expensive beds.  Besides, we all know the best mattress is a human one: