Note To Self #4

The Girl:  What you doing Daddy?

Me:  The dishes.

The Girl:  You need help?

Me: I'd love some help if you want to.

The Girl:  I not want to.  Bye-bye.

Note to Self:  Never give the kids options.  It leaves an easy out.

 To be fair, she had a makeover she needed to attend.

Safety First

A parent can never be too careful when it comes to baby-proofing the house.  There are dangerous obstacles everywhere you turn.  That coffee table with your hipster photography book on it sitting over there?  A new baby learning how to walk is the perfect height for catastrophe.  One failed footstep and your baby is blind.

For the rest of her life!

  She's upset just thinking about it.

Do you want that to happen?  I didn't think so.  Those electrical outlets?  Better plug 'em up quick, 'cause that three-pronged outlet is a one-way ticket to toddlercution.  And just because those throw pillows look soft and harmless doesn't mean they're not waiting to kill your child.  Once your child figures out how to unzip the cover, it's only a matter of time before she pulls out the stuffing and chokes on it or puts the case over her head.

You can never be too safe.

That's why we take precaution when Libby watches Netflix:

How To Wake Up A Princess

Getting out of bed on Sunday mornings is hard.  Getting Leah out of bed on Sundays is even harder.

Now that I run the sound system at church on Sundays, I have to be there by 8 o'clock.  This is a huge change from our previous routine which landed us in town about five minutes before church started.  There has been more than one occasion in which we've had to sneak in through the back and quietly slip in to our seats. Quietly slipping isn't so easy when you're dragging along two girls in Sunday dresses that swish and swoosh with every footstep and a boy with the energy of a Chihuahua on Red Bull.

Last Sunday it was about 7:40 and everybody was up and ready to go.  Everybody except Leah.  She's like her Daddy.  We're not morning people.

So I go in to her room and try to wake her up.  "Leah, it's time to wake up.  Leah.  It's time for church.   Let's wake up Leah.  Time to get dressed."  Her response was less than enthusiastic:

It's at this point that I remember how much I hated when my Mom would wake me up whether it be for school or church.  She'd pop her head in the door and say, "Pooh Bear, it's time to wake up Pooh Bear."  God, how I hated that.  To this day, I despise all things Winnie the Pooh and I can appreciate Eeyore's suicidal tendencies.  But my hatred of hearing that each morning is where the genius lies.

The sooner I woke up, the sooner she'd stop saying "Pooh Bear" in that annoying, drawn-out tone.  I shudder just thinking about it.

Then I realized, despite her annoying methods, maybe Mom could help me rouse Leah from her sleep.  We sit next to Grandma every week at church.  It's a fun-filled hour that's full of coloring, stickers, and little baggies of Goldfish crackers for each kid.  Grandma is a big hit on Sunday mornings.  I try again.

"Leah, do you want to go see Grandma?"

Treat Yo' Self

With Christmas not far away, it's time to start thinking about toys for the kids.  I've always tried to stay away from presents that need batteries and make a lot of noise, but what if your child is the one making all the noise?  And, what if her battery never runs out?

Now, I know what you're thinking.  The box says 5+ years, but my 3-year old could really use this.  Don't worry.  A little hem here, an alteration there, and you're tiny toddler will be rocking back and forth in the corner in no time.  I would highly recommend a dog cone to keep your child from gnawing through the straps--the leather isn't of the highest quality.

Some children may get claustrophobic with their arms wrapped around themselves tightly  and fastened securely behind their backs with leather straps.  (Big Babies!!!)  For those children, you might want to consider something a little less intense.

 Again, don't let the age restriction scare you.  The ankles of a 7-year old are quite larger than those of a 6-month old baby.  But who could possibly need this more than a young baby that just learned how to crawl?  Not to worry.  The ankle bracelet is adjustable and you could always put this around your baby's waist if need be.

For more information or to purchase products, visit Control Toys.  Not matter what you decide to buy this holiday season, the important thing to remember is that a gift for your child can be a present for you.

The Duggar Escape Plan

I remember the joys and wonders of our first pregnancy--the hopes and dreams, the worries, the baby-proofing.  It's hard to believe that was over seven years ago.  I recall one question people loved to ask us after our first-born:  Are you done?  The potato has barely cooled down since coming out of the oven and people already want to know if that's that.  Give me some time to figure out if I like this one before asking me if there's going to be another.  Ask me again in two years.

There are many times I would have loved to answer "Yes" to that question.  But the truth is, if you're going to have one kid, you need to have two.  The benefits of two children far outweigh the initial start-up costs of adding a second child.  If you can have them both at the same time, you'll save yourself a bit of money.  Sure, having a kid is expensive and with the world in its current state, maybe we should be adopting kids instead of making new ones.  But, having that second child solves a lot of problems.

 Twins are cute and cost-effective when compared to two pregnancies.

An only child gets all the attention, doesn't have to share, and worse yet, wants to play with you.  You need to shake his world up.  I don't care how cute the first child is, he'll take a backseat to a newborn every time.   He'll learn his place once you start calling him by the baby's name.  That's if he's lucky.  More than likely, you'll have such a hard time coming up with his name that he'll only get a "Hey you" or "Big Brother".

Don't worry.  It's perfectly fine to forget your child's name or to use the wrong one.  In fact, it's helpful.  I have no research to back this up, but have you seen child research?  It's creepy.

  See. Creepy. Good luck sleeping tonight.

Do you want your first-born to be a spoiled, ego-centric narcissist? Do you?  Then hurry up with that second child.  Big brother will be old news and he'll learn that the world doesn't revolve around him.  He'll hear the baby screaming at 2 in the morning and then watch you run in to spend time with his little sister.   Meanwhile, anytime he screams for something to drink, you tell him to quiet down and get it himself.  You know that's going to knock him down a few rungs.  Mom and Dad can't get baby a bottle fast enough, but won't lift a finger to get the boy some chocolate milk.  Such is life.

Now that your first-born is knocked back to reality, it's time to focus on another problem that a second child can fix--tantrums.  Tantrums will soon be a thing of the past.  While the older child lies on the floor kicking and screaming, you can take the baby into another room and relax.   While you're getting your chill on with the baby, big sister's screams eventually deplete her of air and she passes out leaving you and baby to your rocking chair and scented candles.  Enjoy.

  The only scented candle a man should own.

Baby also learns from older siblings.  Potty-training Caleb was a nightmare.  Leah was a breeze.  (Here's to hoping Libby is too.) She watched big brother going potty and wanted to do it herself.  And she did.  She basically potty-trained herself, leaving her Mom and me to more important things, like watching LOST and Dexter (there wasn't much else on t.v. in 2008).  Leah learned to dress herself while we were busy helping Caleb get dressed and she mastered utensils while watching us feed the boy.  I'm telling you, the second one is so much easier.  If you feel like a crappy parent with your first child, the second one will be a confidence booster.

  It's important to remember that being confident doesn't necessarily mean you're NOT a crappy parent.

But here's the most important benefit.   After some time, the older kid realizes that the baby gets all the good stuff from Mom and Dad--hugs and kisses instead of yells and switches.  (Does anybody use a switch anymore?  I think it's time we brought 'em back.)  Once they've discovered this, they start playing with the baby.  This frees you up from having to deal with either one of them.  Genius!

Some of you may want to know about the problems that arise from having two kids instead of one.  While things do get a little hairy with a second child, it's an easy fix.   Have a third kid.  By this time, your oldest can help with the baby, and the middle child is happy to have somebody smaller to boss around.  All you'll have to do is pour food in their bowls in the morning.  When you start having problems with your three children, toss a fourth into the mix.  Problem solved.  Eventually, you'll have enough kids to start your own reality t.v. show.  You'll be rich and famous.  You're welcome.

Lose For Winning

Never let your kid win at games.  I don't care if it's chess or EleFun, you play to win.  Letting your kid win only does one thing--it makes them think they're better than they are.  Kids need to know the value of sucking at something.  They need to know that everybody sucks at everything the first time they do anything.  Teach them that practice is the only way to get better.

  I highly recommend not actually calling your kid a loser. Although, it may be motivating.

You let them win and they'll never practice.  Some say it's best to let your kid win now and then, i.e., it's a confidence booster.  Maybe, but it's a false confidence and a false faith in their own ability.  They'll turn in to that one adult that thinks everything they do is golden.  They think they're unbeatable, and when they do actually get put in their place, they come up with excuses.  You know somebody like that.  We all do.  Do your kids a favor, beat them every time. Don't let them be that guy.

  Also, good advice.

Let them know it's okay to lose.   Teach them how to lose gracefully and how to use that loss to motivate themselves to become better.  There is nothing worse than a sore loser, except maybe a sore winner.  (Side Note: Sore winners don't apply to Fantasy Football.  Suck it losers.)

Our kids love winning.  Who doesn't?  The older two make everything a competition whether its finishing dinner, buckling the seat belt, or getting in the tub.  First to finish wins and lets everybody know that they've won.     The loser usually ends up making excuses by saying something along the lines of "Everything isn't a race", or "I wasn't racing anyway."  That's actually quite true, because nobody is aware of a race until one is the self-proclaimed victor.

While the constant races get to be annoying, it's also a blessing.  Neither one of them wins all the time and they both get to experience winning and losing.  I hate to see the look of disappointment on my child's face when one of them loses.  But I love to see the look of determination when they smile and say, "Let's play again!"

Don't forget to strip away those pesky Participation Trophies.

Danger Is My Middle Name

Some people like to say that once you have children, the thrill of living is over.  No more exciting weekend ski trips, no more Fast Pass fun at amusement parks, and no more hanky-panky without hearing a small child knocking on the door asking what you're doing.  Well, they're right.  But I say you just have to make your own excitement once you have kids.  Just because you gain thirty pounds, have high cholesterol, and are on anti-depression meds doesn't mean you don't know how to party.  Here are a few ideas for making life a little more fun.

Paint:  We've been redecorating our house lately and while painting is about as much fun as watching it dry, it can easily become an exciting adventure.  After three days of mundane taping, pouring, and wearing raggedy clothes, I decided to liven things up a little.  I put on my nice, black dress-shirt and started painting.

Every brush dip into the paint can was a breath-holding moment similar to those experienced by snipers on the battle field.  Every stroke of the brush on the wall made my heart beat quicker and my mind rush.  Would this be the time that the bristles splattered paint all over my nice shirt.  It was a rush.   Insanity Wolf approves.

Drinks:  My kids drink like I did in my early twenties.  The only exception is that chocolate milk doesn't make them black out and lose track of time.  I thought science would have came up with some type of drink that would make your kids pass out for a couple of hours by now.    I guess there's always the Benadryl Cocktail.

 Prepare to stock up on milk. Four gallons should last you two days.

Take sippy cups to the next level by letting your children pour their own drinks.  Watching your child lift a gallon jug of milk into the air with two hands is sure to get your blood flowing.  Their arms start shaking, the milk begins sloshing back and forth, and you're standing there wondering if you should jump in and help or just enjoy the rush.

Enjoy it.

Besides, eventually your kid will get the hang of it and you won't have to pour those drinks at all anymore.  For added excitement, I recommend putting important documents underneath the sippy cup your child is trying to pour milk into.

Dinner:  After you've spent an hour making dinner, prepare your child's plate.  Fill it up until you can't see Dora staring at you through those giant, dead eyes of hers.  Then, let your kid carry the plate to the table.  The suspense will damn near kill you.

Don't warn your son that he's tilting his plate to the left.  Don't you dare tell your daughter to use both hands to steady the plate.  Much like that corn, carrots and peas medley, you'll be living on the edge, just waiting to watch all of your hard work come crashing down around you.  Thank goodness that bedtime follows soon after dinner, you'll be spent by the time your kid makes it to the table.

 Not even close to being full enough.

  Closer, but you can still see those beady eyes.

 Now you've got it.

For more dinner time fun, try leaving your child's shirt on while he eats.

Child Health Question

First off, I'd just like to say thank you for submitting your child health question to the internet.  The fact that you were concerned enough about your child to post a question to an online forum (Yahoo Answers) instead of immediately calling your doctor shows the utmost responsibility and care.  One can really feel the panic and desperation you must be going through.  You obviously aren't concerned about things like correct spelling, grammar and punctuation.  This is how I know you care deeply for your child.   So, congratulations to you Momma.

Now, to answer your question.  Your child had a fever but he doesn't now?  Great.  He's also been asleep for almost 15 hours?  Amazing.  Enjoy this time while you can.  My only advice is that you should never wake your child up when they've been asleep for that long.  What if you would have woken him up after ten hours of sleep and then he stayed awake?  Can you imagine?  Also...JUICE!!!???

If you're going to wake your child up to give him a drink, you should only offer him a nice glass of Benadryl.  It will cool his throat and most likely put him back to sleep for another five hours or so.

Pack-Rat Parenting

I love my Mom.  And I say that not only because she finally ditched dial-up and can now read this blog, but because I mean it.  Having said that...she's a pack rat.  She saves everything.  Maybe it's better to say that she saved everything.  Everything from my childhood.  18 years worth of birthday cards, newspaper clippings, Perfect Attendance records, and of course, a jar of baby teeth.

Some of the things she gave me were extremely cool (as in nerdy):

  First Editions of Simpson Comics

  The movie seemed cool at the time.  Thank God for Christopher Nolan.

It's not easy to save that stuff, especially the baby teeth.  Caleb swallowed the first two teeth he lost and if it wasn't for spitting the third one out in the sink, it probably would have met the same digestive demise.

My parents have given me all the stuff they saved for me.  At least, I hope that's all there is, we don't have room for much more.  It has been a fun trip down memory lane,  perusing through all the old stuff, but between my rubber tubs of memories and my wife's we're running out of space.

I suggested she throw out all of her old stuffed animals and homecoming dresses.  She suggested I ditch my old comic books and basketball cards.

Stalemate.

When it comes to our children, I'd love to be able to save all of their drawings, school papers, and poorly-kilned ashtrays.  While the basement is full (at least 5 large Rubber-Maid tubs) of our memories, there is always more space in space.   Cyberspace.

  18 years of life reduced to a dark corner of the utility room.

Now, when my kids come home from school waving their papers proudly in the air, I can praise their hard work, take a picture, and wait for them to leave the room before throwing their crowning achievements in the trash.  I figure when they get older, instead of handing them five rubber tubs full of memories, I can hand them a flash drive.  Then again, you can't fit some of the coolest things on a flash drive:

  Thanks Mom!*

*Not Pictured:  Man-at-Arms, Orko, Tri-Klops, Stratos, Clawful, Manteena, and Skeletor.

O.O.P.S.

Some quick parenting advice:  If you're not familiar with the Omniscient and Omnipresent Parenting Style (O.O.P.S.), it's time to get with the program.  This is by far the best method for making sure your kids think twice before doing stupid stuff when you're not around.  Think about all the dumb things you did when your parents weren't around, now think about how the human race keeps getting dumber, now think about your kids.  Listen up!

The OOPS method is simple, but you need to implement it while your children are young.   So how does it work?  Like this...


Let your kid play outside unsupervised.  I've warned you before about the dangers of letting your children play outside, but I think that for the sake of the future good of your child, it's worth the risk.  Make sure that your toddler knows that he or she is alone.

In this example, I let our youngest daughter, Libby, play outside on the back deck.  While she was busy walking around and tripping every ten steps, I found a place to observe from.  It's important to make sure that you can't be seen.

Now you just sit back and wait.  Libby has a thing for food.  Actually, she has a thing for sticking anything she can grab into her mouth, e.g., pencils, toys, kitty litter.  Recently, she has been fascinated with the dirt in our potted palm trees.  We "solved" that problem by covering the dirt with rocks.  She wouldn't eat rocks, right?

Wrong!

So now rock-eating has become a problem.  Thanks to the O.O.P.S. technique, it won't be an issue for much longer.  All I had to do was lurk in the shadows until she went for the rock-tasting portion of her outside play; it didn't take long.

As soon as she picked up the rock and started going for the mouth, that's when I yelled.  "Libby!  Put down those rocks!"  Startled, she threw the rock down and turned around looking for the voice.  She couldn't see me so she went back to playing.  A couple minutes later, she's back to the rock-eating.  "Libby!  Put down those rocks!"  She kept looking for me, but without success.  At this point, I continued to let her play.  She avoided the rocks from then on.  Are you starting to see how it works?

This is a great tool for letting the older two play together outside.  Caleb is fond of his sister, well, fond of pushing her down and hitting her anyway.  She often comes in crying and babbling something about "Brubber do dis", but he always denies it.  With O.O.P.S., there is no denying it.  I saw it all.  Usually I can catch it and yell at him before anything happens, but sometimes he moves like Usain Bolt, and before I know it, Leah is on the ground.

Your children need to know that you are always watching them.  They need to know that even when they think they are alone, Momma or Daddy know what they are doing.  What better way to achieve this than for your child to hear your booming voice seemingly coming from the sky?  It's not quite the voice of God, but if it puts the fear of God in them, that's close enough.

Sleep With One Eye Open

One minute, she's sitting there coloring, enjoying some artistic time with her Daddy.  The next one...she's plotting.

Today's Parenting Tip:  Sleep With One Eye Open!

 

 

Making Play Time Fun

Here's some quick parenting advice for those of you with toddlers.  It's not easy playing games with a toddler.  They can't catch a spiral, swing a bat, ride a bike, or play video games.  So how's a guy supposed to bond with his kid?

If you're young child is anything like mine, he or she loves to play make-believe games.  While tea-parties and dress-up have their strong points (probably) they don't offer the At-Home parent any real benefits.

Sure, you get to spend some time with your kid, but what good does that do if you're miserable every second of it.   It's not quality time if you're constantly thinking about how unfashionable you look in a boa that doesn't even match your purse or how the Tea-Party is a total sausage-fest.  Seriously, why does she have to give all of her stuffed animals guy names?

 Elmo passed out again. Did I mention we drank Jeremiah Weed at our tea parties?

Recently, I discovered a make-believe game that keeps my daughter happy and serves a greater purpose for this Stay At Home Dad.  It's called house, but you can't just play any ol' version of this classic.  Before you begin, you need to set down some ground rules.

Rule #1:  The girl always gets to be the Mama.

Rule #2:  The baby gets to be the Daddy.   This isn't a stretch, because we both whine about the same amount.

Rule #3:  Daddy gets to be the baby.

Rule #4:  Babies always sleep.

Look at how much fun she's having!

You Kids Stay Off My Newsfeed!!!

I spend way too much time on Facebook.   I'd like to think I have a valid reason being that it's the only contact I have with other adults throughout the day.  It gets a little tiresome trying to decode the girl's language and conversations with the baby don't get much further than "da-da".  The truth is, rather than spend time engaging others in meaningful conversation, I spend most of my time browsing through memes and info-graphics.   There is one particular trend of photos that I'm tired of popping up in my newsfeed--horrible parents, making their kids hold signs and begging.

Most often, they come in the form of kids wanting some type of furry critter.  Observe:

What you have just witnessed are two examples of bad parenting.  Rather than just tell their children "No" you're not going to get a puppy, these parents have created a highly un-realistic goal that the kids will probably never reach.  This allows bad parents to pass the blame from themselves to Facebook users. 

It's not like the goal is even something the kids have to strive for.  I would have more respect for your parenting skills if you made the kids raise one hundred dollars doing work for the neighbors.  Or, better yet, why not have them serve one hundred hours in some type of community service setting like Meals on Wheels?  Old people love talking to little kids.

Instead, you have them begging---wanting something for nothing.  Congratulations on raising future democratic voters.  I did notice one mom that had the right idea (see picture below).  Congratulations, Mom, you're doing it right.

I understand that parents are willing to do just about anything to make their child's dream come true.  This little girl apparently wants to meet Ellen and Taylor Swift.  First off, I think it's horrible that a child looks up to any celebrity.  I love Ellen, but come on kid, wouldn't you rather meet a female Senator?

 Also, how hard could it possibly be to meet Ellen?  Stop begging and have your Mom "purchase" some tickets to a live taping.  They're free!  You won't be able to attend the show, but you can stalk her outside the studio like normal people.

You're also going to want to stop looking up to Taylor Swift now.  I don't care if you like her songs, her numerous relationships with boys are a horrible example to little girls everywhere.

And then there are the medical pleas.

If parents will go to any lengths to help their child meet an idol, they'll damn sure do anything to save their kid's life.  I understand why you'd want to get the word out about your child needing a kidney, but don't give your kid the false hope that "One Millions Likes"  could get him one.

 This poor girl's sign doesn't even make grammatical sense.

 I'm aware that you need that green mop shaved off of your head.

I hate to speak badly about medical pleas.  It's not the children's fault and their parents are doing everything they can to help their child in some way.  But let's drop the "Awareness" crap.  There isn't a single person on Facebook that isn't aware of childhood cancer.   So drop it and just write a note that says you're hoping some rich person with a big heart and an even bigger bank roll will help you out in some way.

The "One Millions Likes" memes are getting old.  I'm sorry you have a congenital heart defect, I'm sorry you haven't met your idol yet, and I'm sorry your parents are too scared to tell you kids "No, you're not getting a dog."  There's really not much else to say, especially when the Facebook user below puts it so eloquently (and explicitly) in this picture:

Extra Curriculars

There is no shortage of fun kids activities.  That can be a problem for busy parents.  Here's a quick pro and cons list of some of the activities that we've enrolled our children in.  Hopefully it can help you decide which ones to sign 'em up for and which ones to avoid.

#5.  Cub Scouts:  It's like a fraternity for little boys.

Pro:  It helps your child to become more social.  Con:  It means that I (an introvert) have to be more social.
  
Pro:  Your kid learns appropriate behavior, manners, and good-will.  Con:  Your boy will call you out on it when you don't exhibit these qualities yourself.   

Pro:  Your kid gets to go on cool camping trips.  Con:  If you've never heard about anything bad happening on scout trips, then I won't ruin it for you.  I do, however, strongly recommend that you tag along.

#4.  Tumbling:  You pay another person to let your kid roll around on their floor.

Pro:  Your little girl will love dressing up in the outfits.  Con:  Them outfits ain't cheap. 

Pro:  Most tumbling operations won't let you stay and watch as it distracts the girls.  Con:  You could be paying $30 a month just so your kid can do somersaults every week and nothing else.  Then again, it's like having a reliable babysitter each week so who cares? 

Pro:  Your child becomes close to the other girls in her class.  Con:  Sometimes that closeness happens when they practice spin-kick-twirls.  Bloody nose.







#3.  Basketball:  Because somebody thought it was a good idea to have 3 foot 9 inch kids aim for a 10 foot tall hoop.

Pro:  Learn eye-hand coordination through passing, dribbling, and rebounding.  Con:  Passing, dribbling, and rebounding often end with jammed fingers. 

Pro:  Develop aim and upper-body strength by shooting free-throws.  Con:  If your kid actually gets the ball to hit the rim, it will bounce back and hit them in the face.  Bloody nose.   

Pro:  Lots of exercise like running and jumping.  Con:  White kids can't jump.









#2.  Soccer:  The most popular sport for kids that aren't good at sports.

Pro:  You get to play indoors when the weather's bad.  Con:  The indoor arena smells like sweaty balls.   

Pro:  Kids can learn teamwork.  Con:  The fastest kid hogs the ball while the others just run around chasing after. 

Pro:  Kids learn eye-foot coordination.  Con:  Your kid is going to trip over the ball and start pulling up grass more than he kicks, passes, or scores.



#1.  Tee-Ball:  I've written to some extent about t-ball and participation trophies already.

Pro: It gets your kid outdoors.  Con: It's the middle of summer and you're outdoors.  I don't know about your park, but at ours, none of the t-ball diamonds have shade. 

Pro:  Your kid gets to wear a sweet uniform.  Con:  Part of that uniform involves stirrup socks which you'll have to wrangle your child into.   

Pro:  Your kid can get some exercise.  Con:  If your child isn't pitching or catching,  he will be sitting (not exercise) and digging in the infield dirt or pulling out the outfield grass.

Best Christmas Gift Ever

This year, I'm giving my kids the best Christmas gift ever.  Check it out.  Here's a picture of our Christmas tree.

And here's a picture of all the presents I'm buying the kids.

You don't see any presents?  Exactly.  I'm not buying anything for the kids this Christmas.  Man, it feels really good to type that.

There are many reasons to not buy my kids anything, the largest one being that they don't need anything.  They have more toys than they could play with, most of which we have not bought.  Gram-gram loves her yard sales (I hate 'em) and thanks to her relentless weekend-after-weekend summer escapades, our basement is overcrowded and underused.

We've been slowly working on finishing our basement and turning it into a playroom for the kids.  With the carpet down and the walls up, we have been able to move all of their toys downstairs.  There are toys in every corner...

...and under the stairs...

...by the door...

I'm pretty sure that trash bag outside the door is full of toys too.

...stacked in a pile...

...just waiting to be played with.

There are toys hidden away in cold, unused rooms, because, like the sweet baby Jesus, there just isn't any room for them.

Even with all their toys in one central location we can't get the kids to actually play with any of them.  The only way they will play with their toys is to threaten to throw them away if they don't.  This tells me a couple of things.  One, they have too much crap and two, they don't care about the junk they do have until I threaten to throw it out.  So, there is no good reason to buy them toys of any kind for Christmas.

 What little time they do spend in the basement is used staring at the t.v.

Plus there's the grandparent factor.  Grandparents always go overboard for Christmas and birthdays.  The baby was lucky to get a cake for her birthday let alone any presents from Mom and Dad.  Having grown up without much to open for their own Christmases has translated into vicariously unwrapping gifts through our children.  They're not only buying presents for our kids, they are buying gifts for their inner child as well.

Luckily, we have a house rule that deals with the grandparents' obscene gift-giving practices.  For every toy that is brought in to our house, two toys must leave.  Really, I should thank Me-Maw.  The more toys she buys, the more toys we can ship off to Goodwill.

Kids expect toys for Christmas and, for me,  that's the best reason to not buy anything.   Where did this sense of entitlement come from?   Kids, I don't owe you anything at Christmas time.  Your mom and I buy you crap all year long, so unless December 25th is your birthday, I'm not buying you anything.  I'm not going to use the threat of "no gifts" to make you behave and I'm certainly not going to tell you lies about Santa.  I'll gladly sing the songs, drink some eggnog, and maybe even go driving around looking at lights.  But, there's no way I'm bringing anymore crap into this house.