Don't Let Your Kids Play Outside

This is what happens when kids are allowed to play outside:



I think what the mother means when she says "play outside" is "riding scooters in the street".  And when she says "I was watching the whole time", I think she means to say, "I was inside drinking and watching Lifetime."

What was she thinking letting her kids play outside in the first place?  Apparently, she's never seen an episode of Without A Trace.  The outside world is a scary place lady.  It's full of sexual predators, drug dealers, and politicians.

Kids don't need exercise and fresh air.  They belong indoors, away from sunlight, and plugged into some source of constant stimulation.   Each child should own at least two video gaming systems and either a desktop or laptop computer.  Desktops are preferred as laptops can be taken outdoors.

This will help cure your child's desire to play outside.  If he shows an interest in playing sports outside with the neighbor kids, you're in luck.  There are numerous sports games available, in fact, there are two or three new ones released every year. "But my kid wants to ride his skateboard" you say.  No problem, between the Tony Hawk franchise and Skate series of games, your child will be more interested in pulling off physically impossible moves indoors than moving physically outdoors.

Perfect parenting at its best.

The television is ideal for younger children who are easily entertained by bright colors, talking animals, and funny noises.  So what if your child never learns how to swing or ride a bike.  Those skills are only useful for a small period of time.  Most people stop riding bikes when they learn to drive and swinging is something completely different when you get older.  As a good parent, you should teach your child a skill they can use for life, i.e., watching television.

Eventually, your child may decide that sitting alone on the couch watching t.v. isn't enough.  Older kids crave social interaction with their peers.  Thankfully, there are cell phones.

Cell phones, if used wisely, can be a great tool for keeping your children indoors.  The danger lies in its portability.  If you can keep your tween confined to the couch, checking Facebook all day, then congratulations.  Beware though, the second your child walks outside to start texting, you run the risk of them deciding to ride their bikes.  Better to skip the anti-glare screen so using their phone in the sun is impossible.

The addition of sugary drinks is a classic parenting move.

I'm just thankful for the arresting officers' quick response that insured this mother was taken to jail immediately.  There's no need to waste time verifying the neighbor's complaint or asking the mother for her side of the story.    She was obviously just a concerned citizen whose quick decision may be the best thing for these children.  Slap those cuffs on and hash it out "downtown".

Hauling Momma off to jail in that pretty pink basket was the hard part.

A little parenting advice for all you concerned Mommies and Daddies out there:  If you want to avoid an 18 hour sleep over in a jail cell, it's best to keep your kids on lock down in your house.

You're not trying to keep burglars out, you're trying to keep children in.