Dumb Questions

"There is no such thing as a dumb question" - I don't know who came up with such nonsense, but I can guarantee that whoever it was didn't have any children.  Dumb questions pour out of my kids all day long and by noon I find myself answering all of them with either "Because I said so" or one of my personal favorites, plain old "No".  By the end of the day, the English language has failed me and I find it best to resort to body language.

Kids are full of questions and over the course of a day they might ask hundreds of them.  Ninety percent of them are valid questions that arise out of a child's natural curiosity.  The other ten percent are forged from the tongues of mischievous hell-fire demons.   What makes a question dumb?  Any question that has an obvious answer.  Here are a few of the most often asked dumb questions.

#6.  "Where's Momma?"

My wife leaves for work every morning around 7:15.  My daughter wakes up around 8.  But it never fails, every day, the first words out of my daughter's mouth are "Where's Momma?".  By Friday morning, I feel like Phil Connors.

#5.  "Do I have to go to school today?"

It's rarely a concern that my son is unsure whether it's Saturday or Wednesday.  The boy is obsessed with watches, clocks, and calendars, so he knows exactly what day it is.  Yes, you do have to go to school and no, you can't wear your pajamas.  You feel sick?  Prove it by throwing up.  Oh, you threw up?  Now don't you feel better?  Go catch the bus.

Crisis on the Homefront

CRISIS:

CRISIS AVERTED:

HAPPY BOY and his WEIRD TOY

Toddler Activities

Kids always have energy, way more than us parents can ever hope to have.  Keep them busy with these fun toddler activities.

#10 - Piggy Back Rides:  Kids get heavy after awhile and lugging a stroller around all day can be a pain.  Put them up on your shoulders for easy carrying.  It may also cool you off on a hot day.

#9 - Duck, Duck, Goose:  A classic kids' game that will never grow old...unless you're the goose.

#8 - Exploring Nature:  Your children are never too young to enjoy a trip to the zoo.  It's a great place to learn about how animals function.

#7 - Cooking:  My kids love to help me cook.  It can be as simple as hitting the buttons on the microwave or mixing ingredients together in a bowl.  I don't necessarily recommend eating anything they cook though.

#6 - Reading:  The earlier you start reading to your kids, the better off they are.  At this point, they'll just be looking at the pictures, but later they'll swear they just read it for the articles.

#5 - Scavenger Hunts:  Kids love playing Hide 'n' Seek.  A scavenger hunt is Hide 'n' Seek for kids with no friends.  Make up a list of things for your kids to find and send them outdoors.

#4 - Guessing Games:  Kids love to play guessing games like "Guess What's Behind My Back" or "Guess What's Smeared All Over Me".  Enjoy.

#3 - Playing With The Family Pet:  We can send our son outside to play with the dog and he will be busy for a solid hour.  I don't know what they do out there, but I'm sure they're both having a good time.

#2 - Embarassing Mom and Dad:  Kids absolutely love this activity.  Whether it's farting during the silent prayer or cursing in front of Grandma, your toddler will never fail to surprise you.

#1 - Fingerpainting:  Kids love making messes.  Fingerpainting is messy, but you can usually contain it to a sheet or two of paper.  Usually.

You may also want to choose a different medium, like actual finger-paint.  If nothing else, it'll tire your kid out.  Whatever activities you decide to do with your toddler, be sure to take a picture.  You might actually laugh about it later.



Special Thanks: to my good friend Ruzi for sending me an e-mail with these hilarious pictures and many more.  If you have have any funny photos you can share them by visiting The Parenting Dad on Facebook.

Sewing the Unsewable

In light of recent events, I figured it was time to teach you Dads how to sew a button.  My wife was upset yesterday when a button fell off one of the baby's outfits.  I say "fell off", but in reality, it was ripped off when our oldest daughter "helped" to get the baby dressed.  "I can't sew this back on" she said.  Lucky for her, she married a handyman.

The first thing you need to do is forcibly jam the button back in it's button-hole.

Once it's through, you'll notice there is a little wiggle room in the back.  This is where the magic happens.

The magic of duct tape.

Rip off a small piece about an inch or two long.

Wrap the tape around the button to keep it from slipping back through the strap.

You just learned how to sew a button that can't be sewn.  You're welcome.

Thanksgiving Crafts (How to keep your kids occupied for twenty minutes)

 

I found some pretty cool Thanksgiving crafts for kids, unfortunately, most of them looked like they were put together by a parent.  The whole idea behind kids crafts is to keep them occupied while I do something fun.  If I wanted to be involved with my kids I would volunteer to coach the T-ball team.  Here's a fun craft that should keep your kids out of your hair for at least twenty to thirty minutes.

You'll need:

Construction Paper (Black, Brown, Yellow, Orange, Red)
Glue/Gluestick
Scissors
Pen/Pencil
Two Juice Glasses (2 sizes)
And of course, Googly Eyes



Sit your kid down, strap them in if need be, and have them trace two different sized circles using the glasses.  Cut these out for the head and body of your turkey.




Before you crack open that beer and watch The Walking Dead You will need to draw 11 tear-drop shapes on the construction paper for your kid to cut out: 4 red, 4 yellow, and 3 orange.  Also, trace two smaller tear-drops on the orange paper for turkey arms, a diamond for the beak, and a red squiggle for that weird red squiggle that turkeys have.




Glue the feathers down first in an arching pattern (see picture at beginning of post for color order), then cover them halfway with the large brown circle for a body.




Glue the head on next, slap on some googly eyes, and add that weird red flappy thing.  To make the beak, you need to fold your diamond in half before you glue it.  When you're done it should look like the pictures below.

Daddy's Turkey

The Boy's Turkey (with help from Momma)

So how did yours turn out Leah?

Well...at least we had fun...

Advice on Marriage

Just a quick piece of advice on marriage and relationships.   When you bring children into your home, everything changes.  This is true whether you have one child or enough children to start your own TLC special.  The time and energy you used to spend on showing your affections is now diverted to other things like burping the baby, helping with homework, or playing dress-up.  Leah is now up to at least three costume changes a day.





With all this time spent on your child/children it's hard to keep the spark of romance alive in your relationship.  After a long day of giving my best material to the kids, I don't have the energy to do nice things for my wife (like farting in the other room).  But in a relationship, it's important that you take time to do the small things.  So put the lid back down,  hang the toilet paper the right way, and poop with the door closed.  But most importantly, everyday before she goes to work, be sure to say something sweet like, "I love you" or "I hope you're not pregnant".  Stay strong, marriage today is tough.