The Vacuum Cleaner Is Not A Piggy Bank

I'd like to propose a theory.  It's a universal law, spanning time, language, and cultural boundaries, which states all children are born with the knowledge that when parents purchase something new, it is their sole responsibility to break it within a month's time.  Our new vacuum cleaner supports this theory, but more testing is needed.

We spent more time than probably needed when we searched for a new vacuum cleaner, but after 8 years of marriage and decades of buying crappy products, we've learned it's better to pay more and get what you want than to settle on a price.  We were on a search for the best upright vacuum cleaner, and for us, that means we'd rather have an easy empty filter, fold down handle, and automatic cord rewind, than Wal-Mart's off brand $30 special.  Sadly, it's the last option that may have us looking for another vacuum already.

Even sadder, we couldn't find a haircut attachment.

It certainly does suck.

We've been emptying our loose change jar and sorting coins as we prepare to implement a new chore system for the boy.   Our daughter has been un-sorting (<-----not a word) them and storing them for herself.  I'm glad that she enjoys saving money, I just wish she would start using her piggy bank instead of our vacuum.

Above is a piggy bank.  Notice the easy access slot that is just large enough for coins to slip inside.

This is a vacuum cleaner.  I can see how one might confuse the automatic cord rewind slot for a coin slot.  Actually, that's not true.  I don't see how you could confuse the two.  The piggy bank offers a nice obstruction-free way to pinch those pennies.  The cord rewind slot has a HUGE ELECTRICAL CORD BLOCKING THE SLOT.  Apparently it doesn't block it well enough because I spent a solid hour of my time on Tuesday tipping our upright vacuum cleaner into many different positions, none if which was actually upright.

After taking the cord rewind box apart three times, I ended up scoring around 10 cents in pennies.  There is still a nickel floating around in there somewhere, but with all the tossing and turning it has wedged itself nicely inside the vacuum.  I figure this should help increase the re-sale value.

The important part of any experience like this is that you learn something.  I learned a little more about the inner workings of our vacuum cleaner.  And, being able to bust out some tools, helped me feel manly after an entire day of mopping floors, cleaning dishes, and folding Dora and Disney Princess underwear.  Most importantly, my daughter learned the value of saving...and the correct means of doing so.

Put down the camera before she sticks that pop-tart in the piggy bank.

Baby Care Advice

I wish there would have been some useful baby care advice around for us when we had our firstborn.  Unfortunately, all we had were those pre-pregnancy classes at the hospital.  Don't get me wrong, watching a row of twenty women practice lamaze breathing and performing cpr on baby-sized dummies was entertaining, but, overall, the class was less than informational.  Save yourself the week-long class and read the advice below.  Besides, football starts soon and you don't want to spend your Monday and Thursdays learning how to care for your baby when you could be drinking an ice cold brew and yelling at the replacement refs.

Brushing Teeth

It's best to just skip this completely.  Your kid is going to lose those teeth anyway.  Why bother keeping them clean?  Unless you're one of those weirdos that keeps your kid's teeth in a plastic baggie (Hi Mom!!!) let 'em rot right out of their mouth.  I recommend giving your child a soda for both breakfast and dinner.  It will speed up the process and the sugar crash hours later makes the transition to "sleepy time" smooth.

As the video below will demonstrate, it's also fun to fill baby bottles with soda, shake 'em up, and see what happens.


I'm still trying to get one of these nipples to explode.  Until then, they make excellent squirt guns.

Bath Time

Bath time can be a pain, especially if you have multiple kids in the house.  I have to buy manly shampoo for myself, something purple for the wife, and toddler 3-in-1 for the kids.  I don't want to buy a fourth type of shampoo (tearless) and body lotion for the baby.  The solution?  Wet wipes!  You have them around the house anyway and they're cheaper than running bath water in one of those pointless baby tubs.  Plus, you won't need to buy that expensive Tearless shampoo or body lotion.  After 3 or 4 wet wipe baths, you might even begin to enjoy the lemon fresh scent of your newborn.  If not, you can always buy the unscented wipes for a more natural aroma.

It's a bath tub that you keep inside your bath tub

Baby Proofing

The baby proofing industry is a scam.  All that stuff seems fairly inexpensive at first, but by the time you purchase socket guards, corner rounders, door knobs, potty latches, and more, you're talking a good amount of money.  The surprising thing is that you don't need any of that junk.  Section off a corner of your room and trap the little Lemming inside.  Set out some food, water, and if you have quick learner, go ahead and throw a potty in there and hope for the best.  You never know.  Baby stays safe and has all she needs right in her own little world.

The open floor plan is highly desired in new home construction, but they spell disaster for trying to corral your crawling bundle of joy.

Hair Care

 

Thankfully, our babies were all born bald, which as unsightly as it was, turned out to be a great thing.  I never had to worry about doing their hair until they were much older.  We keep the boy's locks trimmed to a nice Army Recruit length, but the girl is another story.  Check out my girl hair style tips to learn more.

You may want to print out this baby care advice, laminate it, and hang it someplace useful for a quick reference.  (Stay tuned for the Poster!)  Once you've built your baby's Lemming room, I recommend hanging it there.

Facepalm

Even good parents do dumb things.  That's what the facepalm is for.

Girl Hair Style

One of the toughest things for me to learn as a new stay at home dad was (and still is) hair styling.  Hair products don't make my job any easier.  Those large hair ties, bows and clips don't stay attached to the angel-hair thinness found on my daughter's scalp.  The only thing that works are these teeny, tiny, rubber bands.

I figure I should get another week out of these

These things are smaller than dimes.  How do they expect me to get my fat man-hand sausage-fingers into these?  They come in packages of about 500 which is nice, because you break at least four or five of them trying to get them wrapped around a bushel of hair and the ones that don't break are only good for one use.

If you're a new dad trying to figure out how to do your daughter's hair don't fret.  Save yourself the trouble of trying to figure out French braids, ponytails, and pigtails, there is only one girl hair style you need to know.  I call it "The Deb".

Her mom goes to college. Probably not beauty college.

It's not a ponytail and only half a set of pigtails.  Like the magical Liger (part lion and part tiger) this hair style combines two of the easiest possible ways to get your hair did - without the problems found in either.

The problem with ponytails is that, for the longest time, my daughter's hair wasn't long enough to put it all back in a pony.  When it finally did get long enough earlier this summer, she decided to take a pair of safety scissors and cut a large chunk of hair so that even if I did manage to yank all of it back into a librarian's knot, it was still going to look weird.

Then there's pigtails.  The problem with pigtails is that you have to get them both placed at approximately the same height and angle as each other.  This is nearly impossible for any respectable man to carry out.  I don't really want to put that much time into hair.  I have more important things to do, like eating bacon.  My first attempt wasn't too bad, unless you get points taken away for having one tail higher than the other and one closer to the front of her head, in which case, it was a complete disaster.

So maybe the part isn't exactly down the middle. And maybe one tail is a little higher and closer to her forehead, it won't look that bad when she looks up right?

Wrong!

I don't want to waste time on a hair-do that is going to take three or four tries to get right.  Dudes should not put that much thought into hair whether it be their kids' style or their own mop.  I only brush my hair twice a week: once for my night out, a.k.a. "My Part-Time Job", and again on Sunday for church.  And by brush I mean running a watery hand through my hair.  In between those days, it's either my lucky hat or a sad attempt at pulling off Jimmy Fallon bed-head.

It takes him two hours to get his hair looking that messy.

I've never really had to do my daughter's hair before.  Last year she was in the morning Pre-K class and my wife was able to do Leah's hair before she left for work.  Now that my daughter is in the afternoon class it's my turn.  My wife could still do her hair in the morning, but by the time her bus arrives she will have completely wallowed out of whatever hair-ties, hair-clips, or berets that once adorned her pretty little nugget.

When it comes to doing the hair of a pre-k girl, one isn't worried about how it looks.  Well, okay, maybe mom is worried about how it looks, but Dad is more worried about keeping hair out of the face so that his uncoordinated 3 year-old can run around the playground.  I love kissing boo-boos as much as the next Dad, but I don't want my lack of hair-doing skills causing them.

So grab a hunk of hair, pull it to one side, and rubber band the crap out of it.  Ta-da.  It's the Deb.  I should also mention that one of my favorite things about Pre-K is that kids are allowed to wear hats to school.

Now she's ready for school.

Can I Get An Amen?

Recently one of my wife's friends from college asked if she could use some examples from the blog in a sermon she was preparing.  I agreed, as long as she was willing to put in a good word for me with her friends in high places.  And, since I've seldom been referred to as "wise" without somebody adding "ass" to the end of it, I thought I'd share her sermon here.  Thank You again Heather for the shout-out from the pulpit.

Here is her sermon as seen on her blog:  "Intersections"

 Intersections: Don't Paint Your Face With A Screwdriver

     My new favorite blog to read this summer is written by the husband of a friend of mine from college.  It’s called “The Parenting Dad.” After their third child was born last year, they decided it made the most sense for them for my friend to work full time and for her husband to be a stay-at-home dad.  Around the same time, they started a Facebook page of “Rules I Thought I’d Never Have to Make,” which eventually evolved into this blog.  In this blog, my friend’s husband, Louie, expounds upon some of those rules, tells stories, and offers tongue-in-cheek parenting advice, such as “If your kids act up at the vet, you get seen quicker,” and “You can save yourself a full load of laundry by keeping the kids topless during meals.”  Other advice is aimed at the kids, like “Don’t take off your underwear at the table” and, of course, [pause] “Don’t paint your face with a screwdriver.”

     Some of these stories are familiar to anyone who’s worked with kids and others are unique to being a stay-at-home dad.  These are comments Louie gets in public from folks who assume he’s either divorced or laid off and that’s why he has the kids on a weekday at Walmart.  A large part of my fascination with this blog is simply that I’m preparing for my own first child and I’m soaking up the wisdom found in these hilarious stories.  Whenever you’re starting on a new venture, it’s good to seek out wisdom and advice.  And that’s precisely what Solomon does in our Old Testament reading this morning.  Solomon has just been made king, succeeding his father King David, and he knows he is new at this and needs help.  Just as there is no instruction manual for being a parent, there’s no instruction manual for being a king, either.  Solomon tells God that he is “only a little child” and asks God for wisdom in order to govern God’s people.

            Solomon’s reason in asking for wisdom was in order to govern God’s people.  He knows that his early rule was flawed.  After all, he was offering sacrifices in the high places, which was against the laws laid out in Deuteronomy.  The sacrifices were supposed to be offered in Jerusalem, not somewhere like Gibeon.  So, you need wisdom to be a good leader, whether you’re leading in your workplace, in the community, at school, a small group at church, or in your home.  Solomon’s request for wisdom is wise.  You need wisdom to lead.

     I’ve mentioned before that when my husband and I got our dog, we started watching “The Dog Whisperer” on TV.  Cesar Millan is full of advice for dog owners to become good pack leaders.  The episode that has stayed with me the most is one in which he worked with a lady who had done some acting and he asked her about some of the different roles she’d had.  He stopped her when she mentioned playing Queen Cleopatra and said that’s who you need to channel when you walk your dog.  Walk your dog, lead as if you are the Queen, and your dog will behave accordingly.  This doesn’t mean walking as if too snobby to look at your dog, but walking with authority, assuming you will be obeyed, giving guidance, and offering corrections when disobeyed.

     Last fall, my husband and I went to see Cesar when he came to Raleigh and the question-and-answer session was quite interesting.  There was one lady who ...Continue Reading on Heather's blog: Intersections

Violent Video Games

Violent video games aren't a problem, bad parenting is.  These games seem to make the news  every time some kid shoots up a mall, school, or theater.   People want something to blame and game developers make a nice scapegoat.

The problem is not that the kid played these bloody, violent games and then thought it might be fun to try it out in the real world.  The problem is letting your kid play these games alone (that and anti-social behavior).

One mistake parents often make is letting kids have a gaming console, computer, or t.v. in their bedroom.  If a kid has all of that stuff in his or her room, I can almost guarantee they're going to be using it in ways you don't want them to.  Plus, a room full of gadgets limits the effectiveness of "Go To Your Room!".   Chances are with HBO, Skinemax, a PS3, and a 52-inch LED t.v., your kids will gladly go to their room and/or be willing to be grounded all weekend.

Your kid's room needs to be a place for sleeping, getting dressed, homework and banishment, not a miniature man cave.  Rip all forms of entertainment out of their rooms, except for a few books (not a form of entertainment), and make them watch t.v., surf the net, or play those ridiculously violent games in the family room.  Just be sure you're there when they do.  You need to teach your kid the difference between real world violence and blowing up police helicopters in Grand Theft Auto.

This is cool.

This is not.

Take these opportunities to talk to your kids about what's going on in the video games and the decisions they're making.  If you're having problems initiating conversation, here are a few starting points:

"What drives Kratos to seek revenge?"  "Could he have handled his Daddy issues differently?"

"Do you think it was polite to rip out Raiden's skull and spine?"

"Was it necessary to Gaddaffi your victim before decapitating him?"

"Why did you beat up that hooker and take her money?"

It must be tough to perform a Fatality while wearing a thong and high-heeled hooker boots.

Video games can be a great parenting tool if used wisely. My son would rather watch me play video games than play them himself.  This makes for a great bonding experience, but I look forward to the day when we can both shoot zombies between the eyes together.

But these sixty-dollar investments (okay, more like 30, I rarely buy new games) offer more benefits than just the bonding time between parent and child.  Research suggests that gamers have better eye-hand coordination, attentiveness, peripheral vision, and motor skills than non-gamers.  Social games, like those commonly found on the Wii, have even been found to improve mental health and decrease aggressive behavior.

But here's the biggest benefit, it relieves stress.  And, believe me, it works great.  After the 50th request for something the kids can get themselves, I'm ready for a nooner beer and some Assassin's Creed Death Matches.  I'd rather have my kid taking head-shots at bad guys in the Himalayas than stewing about the bully at school.  Plus, in between popping off rounds from their AK-47 and climbing the beautiful scenery, they get to learn about ancient history.  Thank you Uncharted 2.

The rich culture and beautiful scenery make it an excellent place to die

My generation didn't have access to such violent fast-paced action and informational gaming.  All we learned was that if you see a mushroom, you should step on it, rotating and stacking blocks while listening to classical Russian music is fun, and the Tecmo Bowl can be won using a combination of only four plays.  And, we did it with only two buttons.

I'm currently playing Batman: Arkham City and some of the conversations I've had with my son have gotten pretty deep.  At least, as deep as they can with a six-year old.  We talk about good and evil, morality, and wise decision-making.  He even pointed out that Batman wasn't being good after punching out an inmate that cooperated and gave out information.

My Son:  "But he said,'Please don't hurt me' Daddy.  Why did Batman still punch him?"

He doesn't miss much and when we're covering topics like morality and not being an ass, I'm glad he doesn't.  I hope that he can learn how to be a moral person, a "Good Guy" ,as he likes to say, and not one of the "Bad Guys".  With the help of violent video games, it's something we're exploring together.  And, if nothing else, at least we have a safe way to vent.

Cleaning Is Fun(ny).

I enjoy reading homemaker tips, parenting advice, or just about anything that makes my job as a stay at home dad easier.  Now it's time to start giving back.  Today's tip:

Cleaning is not fun, it's just something that makes me have to pause my kung-fu movie or back out of an online death-match, and those experience points don't save automatically.  While cleaning may not be fun, you can at least make it funny. Try this.

Mop the floor.

Plug your ears.

Set the baby down and watch her try to crawl.

Disclaimer:  No babies were actually harmed in the making of this article.  That picture above was taken after Big Sister took a toy away.  If you actually mop the floor and set your baby down in the middle of it for your own enjoyment, you should probably have your kids taken away from you. 

McDonald's Nutrition Facts

Have you ever read the McDonald's nutrition facts that you find on the back of your tray paper?  Yeah, me neither.  That's because nobody goes to the Golden Arches for a healthy meal.  I go to keep my kids from driving me insane and because they make a tasty Mushroom 'N Swiss.

As the Daddy,  it is my right to lay claim to any and all leftovers that my children do not eat.  Up until recently, I enjoyed that right; at times I was generous enough to give a McNugget or a "bottom-of-the-happy-meal-box" fry to my wife.  Sadly, McDonald's, like the government, has decided they know what's best for my kid.  Can you say "Apple Slices"?

I can always count on at least two nuggets from her.

McDonald's has offered apple slices since 2004, but starting back in September, they automatically included them in Happy Meals, while including a smaller portion of fries.  It took awhile for it to spread throughout the country, but the virus is everywhere now.

And, while recent research found that on average, 88 percent of McDonald’s customers are aware of the option, apples are chosen in only 11 percent of Happy Meal purchases.    If you ask the cashier, they can replace the  fries with a second bag of apples, however, the reverse is not true.  You WILL get apples in your Happy Meal.  This is the same problem we have with our government; they don't listen to what people are telling them.

Here's what we're saying Ronald: "We know you have apples and we don't want them.  I like to finish the fries my kids don't eat.  Now you give them less fries which means
lessno fries for me.  You know what they leave for me to eat?  Apples!!!"

I don't want apples or nutrition when I go to McDonalds.  Our family goes to fast food restaurants to get away from the healthy crap (it's deceptively delicious) I fix at home.  If I want my kids to dine on processed pink slime and sodium-saturated fries, that's my call, not yours.   I can appreciate your attempt to get kids to eat healthy, but you're a fast food chain, not an organic health food restaurant.

The Nutritious vs. Delicious Test"

I'd like to submit the following videos as evidence that 89 percent of Happy Meal buyers don't want apples and 100 percent of my kids won't eat them.

I give Libby the option of choosing between your nutritious apple or your delicious nuggets.  I'd offer her some fries too, but she had already eaten them all by this point using the highly efficient double-fisting technique normally found on college campuses.  I specifically point to the apple hoping she might actually eat one of these things I paid for.  Notice the look of disgust on her face at :04 as she slides the apple away to go for the good stuff.  That's my girl.



She touches the apple again at around :16 but only to push it out of the way.  You can then notice her trying hard to decide which tasty piece of nugget to consume.  This may not be a fair test though.  There are more nuggets present than apples and she might be choosing quantity over "quality".  Let's try this again.



At this point, she has eaten every last nugget save a few crumbs stuck to the table and her chin.  Now she has to eat your apple right?  Wrong!  Babies put everything they pick up into their mouth and ours has put her share of gross things in there.  She will gladly eat (or attempt to eat) these things.   It is usually us that has to pull these items, such as dog hair, stickers, and jewelery, out of her mouth.  When it comes to McDonalds apples, she has no problem spitting those out by herself.

You hear people say a picture is worth a thousand words. This picture is worth one word: Blech.

Pointless Baby Items

For the love of babies.  There are just some things you should avoid buying for your precious bundle of joy.  If you get any of these items from loving friends and family, say "Thank You", but keep the receipt.  And don't even think about re-gifting.

#10.  Baby Bathtub

 This is probably the most annoying piece of baby equipment available.  It doesn't fit nicely in a bathroom closet and you can't store it under the sink.   So what do you do with it?  You store it in the bathtub.  That's right, you keep the baby bathtub inside the regular tub.  With our firstborn, we didn't have two bathrooms, so we had to pull the baby's tub out before we could take a shower.  

If you've ever had the displeasure of using one of these things, you know that it's impossible to get all the water out.  Plus, you get a little absent-minded with your first child and, more than likely, you forgot to empty the baby tub the night before.  In the morning, when you get ready to take your shower, you pull the tub out only to get an icy cold blast of day-old bath water all over the floor and yourself.  It's not a nice surprise first thing in the morning, but it'll wake you up.

#9.  Wet Wipe  and Bottle Warmers

Do we really need to pamper our babies like this?  Wet wipes should stay wet.  All that these warmers do is slowly dry them out.  Then you're left dry-rubbing your baby's butt raw.  You might as well use regular toilet paper; it's cheaper.

A bottle warmer is just as pointless.  Sure your kid will have a nice warm bottle to drink, but you'll be stuck listening to its screams of hunger for at least 90 seconds.  That's a minute and a half of psychological trauma that makes your kid wonder, "What's taking so long, doesn't my Mommy love me?"  Give 'em a cold bottle, it will make transitioning to regular milk easier when they turn 1.


#8.  Diaper Genie and Baby Changing Covers

We tried out a diaper genie for about four months; it doesn't work.  I don't care how many layers of scented, antimicrobial, odor-barrier technology enhanced plastic you use, it's no match for meconium.  You're going to waste half of a roll just trying to install the re-fill.  And, with each re-fill running around 35 dollars, I'd rather trash the poo-poo platter in old Wal-Mart sacks, buy a set of $5 nose-plugs, and spend the remaining 30 bucks on beer and meat.

#7.  Baby Shoes

I get it.  They're cute.  Other than that, they serve no purpose.  It's not like your baby is going to be walking anytime soon.  If by some miracle your kid is one of the prodigies that walks at six months, you're going to need some real shoes, not these floppy baby shoes that you can roll up and stuff inside each other like socks.

Plus, infants figure out how to use their hands and opposable thumbs before they learn how to use their feet.  So they're going to be pulling those shoes off quicker than you can wrestle their tiny toes into them.

#6.  Baby Bibs

Bibs seem like a good idea at first.  Then you realize that bibs don't cover everything and even if they did, babies are crafty.  They'll figure out a way to stain just about anything you put on them.  The best thing to do is keep your babies naked at feeding time.  If you just want something cute to catch the drool, then by all means, get some bibs, but don't expect them to do much else.


#5.  Activity Mat

We received an activity mat from some great friends of ours (I know you're reading Mark and Brandi) and for the first two or three months our son loved it; then he learned to crawl.

Mats are great as long as your child remains an immobile water-logged blob.  But once they start moving, they're more interested in the various choking hazards found in your carpet than the soft, cushy mat you placed them on.  They are also a nightmare to wash.  If you've ever fed a baby, burped the thing and then laid it on its stomach, you know what I'm talking about.  Just set them down on a blanket and pillow for tummy time.

#4.  Baby Toothbrush

The only finger I'm sticking in these things is the middle one.  Your kid is going to lose all those teeth eventually anyway.  The sooner they get it over with the better.  It'd be one thing if they were made of some type of material that used the words "reinforced" or "Kevlar".

 Instead, it's a thin piece of rubber that the company expects you to slip a finger inside and then prod around inside the mouth of a kid who's world revolves around sticking everything inside her mouth and clamping down on it.  No thanks.  A toddler's brush works just as well and keeps your delicate fingers out of the biting zone.

#3.  Baby Monitors

We used these with our first child because we thought that's what parents were supposed to do.  Then we realized babies scream at the top of their lungs when they want something.

 If your house is big enough that you can't hear your baby crying for a bottle, then you can probably afford to hire a migrant worker to take care of it for you.  So unless you just like to listen to the soft breathing noises of a sleeping baby, save yourself the one hundred-dollar night-vision video monitor.  That money would be better spend on a new stereo to drown out the cries of a colicky baby.

#2.  Baby Toys in General

Here is a list of toys to buy your kid: a rattle.  Anything else is just wasting your money.  Babies aren't interested in toys.  They're interested in their parents and their parents' toys.  They'll play with your shoes, socks, laptop, Nook, car keys, important documents, books, porcelain figurines, cabinet doors, and just about anything else you don't want them to play with.

 Besides, most baby toys take four or five Double D batteries and/or make noise.  More noise is that last thing needed in the house of a newborn.  Purchase a rattle.  It makes a tolerable level of noise and you'll only have one ankle-breaking toy to dodge in the middle of the night when you make that dark trek to the kitchen for baby's bottle.

#1.  Baby Crib

Three words.  Pack. N. Play.  Or, two words and a letter, whatever.  Cribs are a pain to put together the first time.  Most cribs sold today convert into toddler beds and twin beds later on, so you're going to be taking this thing apart and re-arranging it multiple times.  Question: How well do you think it's going to hold up over the course of your child's life?  Answer: Not well.  Kids ruin everything they touch.  Buy a Pack'N'Play.  They're portable and you can turn them upside down.

Credits:  I have my wife to thank for this post.  She recently posted on Facebook about the five things every parent needs and the five things they should avoid.  She's an amazing woman, but for the love of babies, would you please stop buying shoes for Elizabeth!

Don't Take Your Underwear Off At The Table

Last night's all-nude dinner makes me think we need to start working on how to define modesty with our daughter.  It's been awhile since we've laughed in disbelief at something that has come out of our mouths.  Ironically, it was while we were stuffing things in our mouths that this new house rule came out.

"Don't Take Your Underwear Off At The Table"

It's very rare in our house for people to be fully clothed.   It's more of a convenience thing than an "embracing nature" thing.  As the one who does a majority of the laundry in the house, I've found that I can save myself nearly a full load by keeping the kids topless during meals; it removes the need for an "After Dinner" shirt.  At six years of age, this isn't really a problem for our son.  He's pretty well mastered self-feeding, but, when the SpaghettiOs come out, the shirt comes off.

Staining shirts since 1965

The girls are another story.  The baby has sported the "diaper only" look for most of the summer.  The main reason...she's a puker.  This girl cannot drink a bottle of milk without puking it right back up.  She ruined a few footed pajamas over the winter and while the warm feeling of freshly vomited formula soaking through your clothes was comforting on those cool winter nights, I wasn't looking forward to having vomit soaked shirts sticking to me or the baby over summer vacation.

That's rice not puke, but it looks about the same.

Many parents use bibs to keep their kids' clothes free from puke and stains, but let's face it, bibs don't work.  Babies may not be quick on their feet, but their arms and hands compensate.  One of those appendages is going to knock the spoon off course and instead of the food-packed airplane easing into a slobbery hanger, it's on a crash course for a sleeve, the head, or worse yet, it's going to dump it's cargo at sea.  Bet you wish you had a bib over those bloomers now.
Semi-nude meals are the way to go.  Daddy is topless, the baby is naked, and clean-up is a breeze.  If you can't clean a mess up with one wet-wipe, then you're doing it wrong.  (Note:  The "One Wet Wipe" rule does not apply to diaper changes.  The current household record is 9 wipes in one changing ,set by our youngest on May 9th, 2012 at approximately 11:20 a.m., four hours after my wife fed her prunes for breakfast and then left for work.)  Wet wipes also work great for cleaning solidified food from the dinner table, sanitizing any germs that have broken the "5 Second Rule", and giving the baby a bath.

Almost as many uses as duct tape

Our oldest daughter is quite the exhibitionist.  During potty training we had to revoke "Pants Privileges" from Leah many times.  It works like this:  If you have been asked to use the restroom, refuse to do so, and later soak through your skivvies and pants, you no longer get to wear pants.  This worked for awhile until she decided to just stop wearing pants; she has her Daddy's stubbornness.  So she's usually sporting a shirt and some underwear.
Every now and then she goes on a dress wearing spree.  Yesterday was one such day.  She started with a summer dress, later put on a Dora shirt, and ended up in a formal gown by dinner time.  She tried to change once again after dinner.  Before bed she would ask to sleep in her Dora dress; I was able to talk her down to Dora pajamas.  WITH BOTTOMS!!!

I'll wear the pajamas, but only if I keep the hair bow.

Yesterday's dinner was maple syrup chicken and rice which my wife decided should be drowned in BBQ sauce.  Personally, I thought it tasted great plain, but drowning food in brown sugar laden sauce is a great way to get your kids to eat it. 

There was no way we were going to let her wear her Sunday dress while trying to shovel fork loads of BBQ sauce (sprinkled with bits of chicken) into her mouth.  My wife slipped Leah's dress up over her head while I continued eating.  It was two or three delicious bites later that I heard my wife laying out a rule I thought we'd never have to make..."Don't Take Your Underwear Off At The Table".

On second thought, that could eliminate the need for "After Dinner" panties...

Sibling Rivalry

It's funny how sweet moments can turn sour very quickly.  Brother and sister can be playing together nicely on the floor and all it takes is one deadly accurate Lego to the forehead for things to get ugly.  At other times, what appears to be in-the-moment sentimentality can turn out to be a request for one less sister.  I had one such moment yesterday with my son.

We currently live right off of the main highway, a route that runs between our home and the nearest Wal-Mart.  It just so happens that our previous house also rests on this stretch of road.  We spend a lot of time driving past our old place and every time we do, the memories of our early years (from the sweet, peaceful time before kids to the sleepless nights of our firstborn) coming flooding back.

Before kids, before ear-hair, and before giving up on my dreams.

On the way home from our recent outing to Wal-Mart ( a trip in which I believe I've bought my last can of baby formula), our son brought up some memories of his own.  He talked about how small our first house was and how scary the basement was.  He explained to me why we had to move and how much he liked our new house.

Saying our first house was small would be an understatement as shown here by our porch

Then he began to reminisce in more detail about the old place.  He mentioned the huge shade trees (we currently have no shade) and our first cat, the runny-eyed, booger-blowing Podunk.  Finally, he said he wished we could go back to the time we lived in that house.

You're like the little sister I never want.

I was touched that he thought so much about those times.  I figured that his Momma and I must have really made an impression on him with some awesome parenting.  Then I asked him why he wanted to go back to that time.  His response..."Because Leah wasn't born yet".

Yep. Times were good back then.

Where Do Babies Come From?

When my son asks me a question it's usually, "What's for dinner?" or "Can I watch a movie?".  As he gets older, his questions have been getting more complicated.  Don't get me wrong, his questions still usually revolve around pop-tarts and Kung-Fu Panda, but he is showing more insight and understanding regarding this world. 

Just last week we had a nice five to ten minute conversation on the differences between poop and pee that ended with us understanding why feces needs to come out slower than urine.  Naturally, we had this conversation while I was in the midst of my own slow-moving bowel movement.

That about captures it.

So the other day when he asked, "Where do babies come from?", I was a little surprised.  When your kid asks you a tough question like this, the most important thing to do is just answer the specific question they asked. 

 In other words, say as little as possible or before you know it, you'll be scouring the internet for ultrasound pictures while discussing fallopian tubes and spermatozoa.  If your kid asks where babies come from, you say "from Momma" and take it from there.  Often, the simplest answer is enough, but then my son wanted to know how babies come from Momma. Crap.

We've already covered the fact that boys have a "winky" and girls do not have a "winky" with my son.  I really didn't feel like getting into more detail about male and female reproductive organs, so I was hoping that the answer "They come from Momma's belly" would suffice; it did, at least for a little while.

A few days ago my wife informed me that she had her own "where do babies come from" conversation with our son.  After stewing over babies and bellies, he asked her, "How can a baby be in your belly with all that food in there?"  We try to be as honest with our children as possible, so when my wife was asked this question, it was time to get real.

"Well son, it's not in my belly, it's in my uterus".

"Momma...where's my uterus?"

That about captures it.