Best Christmas Gift Ever

This year, I'm giving my kids the best Christmas gift ever.  Check it out.  Here's a picture of our Christmas tree.

And here's a picture of all the presents I'm buying the kids.

You don't see any presents?  Exactly.  I'm not buying anything for the kids this Christmas.  Man, it feels really good to type that.

There are many reasons to not buy my kids anything, the largest one being that they don't need anything.  They have more toys than they could play with, most of which we have not bought.  Gram-gram loves her yard sales (I hate 'em) and thanks to her relentless weekend-after-weekend summer escapades, our basement is overcrowded and underused.

We've been slowly working on finishing our basement and turning it into a playroom for the kids.  With the carpet down and the walls up, we have been able to move all of their toys downstairs.  There are toys in every corner...

...and under the stairs...

...by the door...

I'm pretty sure that trash bag outside the door is full of toys too.

...stacked in a pile...

...just waiting to be played with.

There are toys hidden away in cold, unused rooms, because, like the sweet baby Jesus, there just isn't any room for them.

Even with all their toys in one central location we can't get the kids to actually play with any of them.  The only way they will play with their toys is to threaten to throw them away if they don't.  This tells me a couple of things.  One, they have too much crap and two, they don't care about the junk they do have until I threaten to throw it out.  So, there is no good reason to buy them toys of any kind for Christmas.

 What little time they do spend in the basement is used staring at the t.v.

Plus there's the grandparent factor.  Grandparents always go overboard for Christmas and birthdays.  The baby was lucky to get a cake for her birthday let alone any presents from Mom and Dad.  Having grown up without much to open for their own Christmases has translated into vicariously unwrapping gifts through our children.  They're not only buying presents for our kids, they are buying gifts for their inner child as well.

Luckily, we have a house rule that deals with the grandparents' obscene gift-giving practices.  For every toy that is brought in to our house, two toys must leave.  Really, I should thank Me-Maw.  The more toys she buys, the more toys we can ship off to Goodwill.

Kids expect toys for Christmas and, for me,  that's the best reason to not buy anything.   Where did this sense of entitlement come from?   Kids, I don't owe you anything at Christmas time.  Your mom and I buy you crap all year long, so unless December 25th is your birthday, I'm not buying you anything.  I'm not going to use the threat of "no gifts" to make you behave and I'm certainly not going to tell you lies about Santa.  I'll gladly sing the songs, drink some eggnog, and maybe even go driving around looking at lights.  But, there's no way I'm bringing anymore crap into this house.

The Santa Game

I'm not playing the Santa game.  You know, the one where parents lie to their children about a fat guy in a red suit that delivers presents annually.  I'm not against anyone that wants to play this game with their kids, I just feel that there are better reasons not to play.

First off, I don't want the fictitious fatty getting credit for any of the crap I buy for the kids.  We're not buying much for them anyway (I'll rant about that in another post), but I want my children to know that their Momma and I bought what little junk there is. 

It's a small thing really, but I remember Santa bringing tons of presents to me as a child while Mom and Dad only bought a couple of things.  When you're a kid, love for you is measured by how many presents you get.  Santa (whom I've never seen) loved me more than Mom and Dad.  Those cheapskates!

Another great reason to avoid Santa talk is because I'm the authority in the house, not Jolly Old Saint Nick.  Walk into any store around Christmas time and you'll probably hear a kid being told to behave because Santa is watching.  Grow some balls and tell your kids to behave because YOU are watching.  Who's the authority in your house, you or Santa?

The best reason to not play the Santa game, is because you're lying to your kids...for years.  I hear parents talking about how they're going to have to tell their kids that Santa isn't real.  Luckily, they won't have to tell them, somebody on the playground will break the news to them.  What parents are really complaining about is how they have to face up to lying to their kid for six, seven, or however many years.

Here's a tip.  Don't lie to your kids.  Sure, it may make Christmas more fun if they believe in Santa, but the few years of magical, ignorant bliss that they enjoy may be overshadowed by the following years of psychological damage.  Have fun rebuilding that trust, the Tween years are just ahead.

The kids still enjoy seeing Santa at the mall or watching him on t.v. and I have no problem telling  them about the original Saint Nick or any of the other stories and legends that have grown up around him.  While "Santa" is dead and long gone, I believe the giving spirit that he represents is still alive and well, even if it's hard to see at times.  If my kids are going to believe in any sort of Santa, I want it to be that one.

Or, Zombie Santa.  He's badass.

Homemade Christmas Ornaments

Christmas cards, garland, and glue, oh my!  Homemade Christmas ornaments were on the agenda today as we spent the morning at our local library for one of their special events.  I'm a huge fan of the library, they throw events year-round for the kids and I can stick it to HBO and Showtime by signing out original series like Dexter or Game of Thrones.  Every now and then I'll check out a book from some deceased Russian novelist so I don't look like a total idiot.

Today's event was a Christmas movie (Arthur Christmas) and craft-time that included homemade ornaments, or in this case, library-made ornaments.  The ornaments are a great way to upcycle your old Christmas cards and garland, plus it will keep your kids busy for a good twenty minutes.  Let's do this:

 Here's what you need:
Old Christmas Cards
Garland
Hole Punch
Glue
Ribbon






First, you need some Christmas cards.  If you're one of those weirdos that keeps every Christmas card you've ever received since the day you were married (Hi Mom!), it's time to stop hoarding and start cutting.  For the rest of us, you can just choose a card you've recently received.  Cut it out and punch a hole in the top of it.

Both of the kids were pretty excited with their choices.

Once the kids have picked out their Christmas scene, it's time to rip up some garland.  Cut out enough to cover the border of your card.  Turn your card over and spread some glue around the border.  Every time that we've done a craft at the library, they have the kids use glue tabs.  These things are amazing.  If you can find them, buy them.  There's no mess and the kids always use the right amount.  Slap your garland onto the card and you're almost done.

Once the garland is on, you're ready to cut some ribbon, slip it through the hole and tie a loop.  Finally, sit back and enjoy...

This Christmas craft project is also a great way to get back at those people that send you those glittery Christmas cards that dust your entire house in a sparkly, impossible-to-clean-up kind of way.  Wrap one of these babies up and re-gift.   Glitter Bomb!

Funny Christmas Cards

We didn't set out last weekend with the goal of creating funny Christmas cards, but that's what we got.  As we loaded up the kids, outfits, and accessories into the van, we had high hopes of what this year's Christmas card could be.  Our photographer did a great job with the kids last year so it could only be better this year right?

Then again, last year the baby was just a giant blob of jelly that we could set down in one place and she wouldn't budge.  This year...she found her feet.  Of the thirty or so photos taken, I believe she walked out of the frame for 20 of them.  It's hard enough to find a lens that can capture that huge nugget of hers let alone her zombie-like movements.

Then there's the lack of photogenicity on the part of my son.  He's either spot on with a perfect smile or just plain...weird.  It's usually the latter.  I should have known after we received his school pictures that Christmas photos would be a challenge. 

Not only did the baby walk out of the frame, but the boy...well...at least you can't hear the horrible sound he's making.

Maybe if the baby holds sissy's hands she'll stay in the photo...

...then again, maybe that will just make sissy not look at the camera.  And, it still doesn't fix the boy's face.  Maybe we can try individual photos and just Photoshop them all together...

...yeah, maybe not.  At this point in the photoshoot, everybody starts melting down.  The baby is crying, brother was licking his feet (a story for another time), and Momma & Daddy were ready to go.  We crammed the kids together for one last shot.

NAILED IT!!!

Worst Christmas Gifts

Some of the worst Christmas gifts a child can receive are also some of the most popular.  Save yourself some money and embarrassment by not purchasing any of the following.



Board Games:

There are multiple reasons to not buy board games for kids.  First off, the age range is never right.  Just because the box says "Ages 2 and Up" doesn't mean you're going to get your toddler to sit down and play.  I can hardly get my kids to sit for five minutes to eat pizza and ice cream, they sure aren't about to sit for some boring game.  Do you know any toddlers that are great at sitting still and taking turns?  I don't.

Plus, most games that are designed for 2-6 year-olds involve a solid five to ten minutes of parental set-up to the child's five to ten seconds of destruction.  Don't Break The Ice is a prime example.  I've never seen a 6 year-old actually play Don't Break The Ice by the book.  You might as well call the game Break The Ice With One Swing, because that's how it's played.

Preparation Time: 10 minutesPlay Time: 5 seconds

Secondly, I'm going to have to play the games with my kids.  I'm all about spending time with the children, but when I play a game, I play to win.  I don't believe in letting kids win.  I believe in showing them how bad they suck at something so they'll want to get better.  When you play a game with Daddy, you don't get any participation trophies.

I told you. I play to win.

Plus, all those board games come with tiny, choke-hazard sized pieces that will get lost.  Trouble had the right idea by enclosing the die (dice are always the first things to be lost), but they still have 16 other losable parts just waiting to be lodged in my baby's throat.  Skip the death trap and buy a movie. 




Things That Make Noise:  This should pretty much speak for itself.  I'm mainly concerned with musical instruments here.  There is a place for the musical arts, but it's not in my house.  Have you ever heard a kid practicing an instrument?  If you're not convinced, just see how much of this 9 minute and 45 second video you can watch:


Things That Require Batteries:  This is probably the most important category as it covers a lot of other annoying things that you should not buy, such as anything that lights up, plays music, giggles, talks, or wets itself.  I swear that people without kids or people who haven't raised kids in a long time (yes, I'm talking about you Mom) don't understand how expensive batteries are.  They're not cheap, so unless your light-up Press 'n' Play Jukebox comes with rechargeable batteries (and a charger) please don't give it to my kid.


Gift-givers also don't understand how quickly children run through batteries.  They can hardly remember to wipe their butts immediately after pooping, so take a guess at how good they are at remembering to turn their toys off.  If you said 'Amazingly Horrible' you're close.  Over Thanksgiving, my children managed to run through two sets of 'D' batteries while playing flashlight tag with their cousin.  Two sets!   Then, there are those batteries that just refuse to die.  They can sit inside your Teddy Ruxpin for twenty years and that pudgy bear will still tell you all about the Mushroom Forest, albeit in a creepy, super-slow, demonic voice.

The worst are the toys that require those weird, flat batteries--the ones you have to special order from overseas--that look like Smarties.  Great design plan Energizer, making batteries the size and shape of children's candy.

Deadly!!! But, tasty.

That pretty well covers most of the things you should not buy for kids.  But, what about the babies?  I've created a list of the 10 Worst Possible Things you could buy a baby.  Honestly, when it comes to buying baby presents there are only three things you should even consider:  diapers, wipes, or food.  There is no reason to give a child under the age of two anything for Christmas.  They have no clue what's going on.  It's best to just prop them up in the corner by the tree and enjoy your eggnog.

Merry Christmas!

Laundry Day

Many people hate Mondays.  Personally, I love them, then again, I don't have to sit in rush hour traffic for an hour or two.  Besides bringing an often climatic end to the Fantasy Football week, Monday's house cleaning schedule is a chance for me to gauge how smoothly things have gone the week before and what we need to work on in the week ahead.

Take laundry for instance.  Monday morning is laundry day.  When I put away the kids' clothes, I can tell whether or not we need to work on personal hygiene.  How does one know that hygiene may be an issue?

It's quite easy actually.  If you put away six pairs of pants and six shirts, but only two pairs of underwear and socks, it's probably time to reconsider letting the boy get himself dressed after bath time.

Each pair of pants was worn for approximately 1.16 days

Each pair of underwear was worn for approximately 3.5 days.

 The same method can be applied to my daughter.  When I see more dance costumes and dress-up clothes than shirt and pant combos, again, it's probably time to reconsider letting her dress herself.

5 dance costumes and two dress-up skirts.

A pair of shorts (it's November), two pairs of pajamas, three shirts and a pair of pants. Location of underwear: Unknown.

Mondays are nice because I have a set routine.  This routine is crucial to maintaining some sense of sanity.  Part of this routine includes doing  a quick clean up of the kids' rooms on Monday.  And, when I find moldy sippy cups under the baby's crib, it tells me that maybe I need to do a spot check later on in the week as well.

You can wash the cup, but you can't wash that image out of your mind. Every time your kid drinks out of it...flashback.

As I wipe down the bathroom, I can tell that we need to work on spitting.  You'd think boys were born knowing how to spit and, truth be told, they probably are.  But aim takes practice.  When I find more toothpaste spittle on the faucet and mirror than in the sink, it's time to hone up on hawking a loogie.  Still, I give the boy credit for landing spit on both the mirror and faucet; it seems it should be physically impossible to spit both up and down.

You may have heard the saying that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.  Anyone that has cleaned a messy house day after day, only to have to start over again the next, can tell you differently.  It's not insanity.  It's the routine that helps us keep our sanity.  It's the foundation that our days are built upon and a springboard for raising our children.  You have to start somewhere; it might as well be with the sour sippy-cup under the bed.