Heavy Metal - Kid Tested. Father Approved.

Let it be known that I hate toddler music.  That goes for music marketed at tweens and adolescents as well.  Enemy number one used to be Barney and all his mind-numbing songs.  No my good purple dinosaur, my ears do not hang low, nor do they wobble to and fro and I'm sure as hell not going to tie them in a knot or bow.  He has since lost his position to Kidz Bop.    Have you seen the commercials for these abominations?  The videos are even worse.  Check it out:


Lady Gaga is scary enough, I don't need to see tweens bouncing around and singing her songs to scare me even more.   I felt dirty the entire 45 seconds I managed to power through watching that video.  It's like watching the Toddlers and Tiaras rejects' slow demise into a world of backup dancers, alcoholism and porn movies.   Whatever messages these songs and videos send to our kids, they can't be good.  That's why I prefer to let my kids listen to metal.

Before you start warning me about the dangers of backwards masking, lead singers choking to death on their own vomit, and spandex, let me explain metal music to you.  There are two very simple categories that all metal music can be boxed in to.  Box 1 contains metal music with lyrics you can understand.  Box 2 contains those metal songs with growling, grunts, and unintelligible screams.  It is this second box of music that my kids have come to know and love.

The stuff my kids listen to may have a very horrible message, but let's face it, you can't really understand what the guy's saying anyway, so who cares?  I'd rather my kids listen to I Declare War or Cattle Decapitation than to any rap, pop, 70's tunes, or ninety percent of mainstream country that audibly glorifies, sex, drugs or rock and roll.  I don't want them "on the floor" shaking booty to J. Lo.  And line dancing, while harmless, makes you look like an idiot.  Chance are, if it's a dance that white folk invented, it's not worth dancing.

Metal music is great for road trips.  I keep at least one death metal cd in each vehicle.  When the kids start whining, I crank it up to 11 and they either fall asleep or start banging their head.  Either way, it overpowers the whining.  If you need help choosing a metal toddler music, here is a simple rule of thumb.  If you can't read the band's name then you most likely can't understand a word they're saying.

WARNING:Easy To Read!  DO NOT LET KIDS LISTEN!!!

I couldn't tell you what band this is, but if you see it in the store PICK IT UP!!!

Wouldn't it be nice to have a third box of metal music though?  A box full of both pounding double bass, ridiculous sweep picking guitar riffs, and wholesome lyrics that kids can sing along to?  I think Jim Breuer is on to something here:




So how about it I Declare War? You already did some Christmas Songs, I think an album of toddler music is the next logical step.

Top Ten Things A Stay At Home Dad Hears The Most

One of the joys of being a Stay At Home Dad is getting to take your kids everywhere, and I do mean everywhere.  Gas stations, grocery stores, doctor appointments, the dentist (not really a doctor), parks, zoos, libraries (peace & quiet) and so on.  I've found that the more places I go, the more I hear the same few comments.

I guess to them I'm just a Dad spending his day off work with the kids.  Maybe I need to get a shirt that reads "Stay At Home Dad".  Below is a list of the most common questions and comments I receive while I'm out and about with the kiddos and how I'd like to respond.  Usually it's quicker to just smile, nod, and get home before the baby pukes, the toddler pees, or the boy goes into an ADHD fueled riot.

#10. "Are you giving Mom a break?

First off, If you're directing your question to me, leave my mom out of it.  Secondly, nobody is getting a break here.  It's just me trying to avoid World War 3 breaking out between the warring countries of Older Brother and Middle Sister.  If you'd stop talking and start bagging those jars of Parents Choice Stage 3 Very Berry Banana, we could both continue on our day.

Smile and Nod.

#9.  "I could never get my husband to take the kids to the park."

Well lady, that's probably because your husband works all damned day.  If I had to work all day and then come home, the last thing I'd want to do would be to take all my kids out and about without any backup.  I've already put in ten hours at the office with a bunch of people who act like kids, I don't want to come home and spend more time with people who are kids.

#8.  "Are you babysitting?"

What intelligent person would hire a 31 year old man to babysit their kids?  Men don't babysit unless there is something wrong with them, like a severe case of pedophilia.  Sorry to tell you, but these are my kids, yes, even the cute one, and I'm not babysitting...I'm doing my job.

Smile and Nod.

#7.  "Awwww....you're so cute!"

This statement is, of course, always directed at one of the kids, but I can't resist saying "Thank You, the baby is pretty cute too don't you think."  This response usually ends in someone blushing.  Most often it's me as the cashier ignores me or laughs hysterically.

#6.  "Where is Momma?"

Are you concerned that I have kidnapped these three beautiful children and then taken them to McDonald's before we make our getaway on the open highway?  Perhaps, you feel me incompetent to care for these kids myself and fear for their safety.   When I have all three kids with me, I like to say "She's out in the van with the other five."

#5.  "Looks like Daddy got a day off work."

Yeah, they shut down the coal mine for the rest of the week.  Yeah, we delogged that forest quicker than they thought.  Yeah, they docked my Alaskan fishing boat for the rest of the month.  Yeah, I'm taking a break from Ultimate Fighting.  See what I did there?  This is my work lady.  It's a man's job.

Smile and Nod.

#4.  "Is it your weekend to have the kids."

Do I look divorced and unlovable?  To be fair, my sandals are dirty, my toenails are hideous, these plaid shorts probably don't look right with this striped shirt and my hair isn't combed.  But to answer your question, no it's not my weekend.  It's my day to have the kids.  As is the next day and the next day and so on until they're 18 and I can kick them out.

#3.   "So what do you do?"

Smiling and nodding does have it's drawbacks as this question usually comes after a yes response to #5.  Luckily, I have started working part-time recently and this isn't so hard to answer now.  Before working though, the proper answer was, "Well, I am a Head Chef/Maintenance Man/Groundskeeper/Event Planner/Teacher/Housekeeper/Cameraman/Chauffeur/Secretary and an Excellent Lover.

#2.  "Did you get laid off?"

How I wish lady.  Unfortunately, this is an everyday job that requires 24 hour shifts, including holidays, weekends, and no paid overtime.  I get limited breaks that consist mainly of me locking myself into the bathroom trying to read the newspaper on my Nook while attempting to ignore the loud banging on the door and repeated questions of "Daddy?  What are you doing?"

#1.  "Got the kids huh?"

Every comment above is one I often hear from a well meaning female.  The one question that I hate the most though, comes from other men.  It's not so much how unnecessary the question is, you can see the kids right there, so...uh...yeah...I got the kids.   It's more the tone of their voice while asking.

They make it sound like having the kids is a bad thing.   That's what's wrong with so many dads, or at least the ones that ask me this.  They make spending time with the kids sound like a major drag.  Now, don't get me wrong, I don't always want to spend every second of the day with my kids and "Go Play Outside" is one of my "Go To" parenting moves when I need a break.  So how do I respond?


Smile and Nod.

Teaching Your Kids To Stick It To The Man

Recently, a 22 year old Pennsylvania man learned a lesson that I believe all children should learn.  It's a lesson that I want to instill in my children and my children's children.  It's called "Sticking It To The Man.  According to news reports, Joseph Bucci of Feasterville found an extra 69,300 dollars in his Wells Fargo account, an account which Bucci says previously had about 40 dollars in it  (Read the article about the PA man charged after spending almost 70000 dollars mistakenly deposited into his account).  He then went on to spend over 67,000 dollars of that money on  a new car, clothes, home furnishings, vacations and helping out his family members with bills.   Now the bank wants it back and he has been charged with theft and receiving stolen property, both felonies.


  What bothers me is not that he spent the money, for that I say "BRAVO!!!"  What bothers me is that he is facing felony charges for spending money given to him that wasn't his and not paying it back.  Sound familiar.  Let's all say it together...BAILOUT!.


Hey banks, remember when us taxpayers gave you a bunch of money that wasn't yours and you did whatever it is you do with money, and then never paid it all back?  That was a few years ago and we haven't exactly charged any of you with felonies yet.  I will congratulate Wells Fargo on being one of the few banks that has returned all of it's borrowed money.  But please, give the kid a break, drop the charges, and give him a few years to pay it back.  The only thing he's guilty of is doing unto the banks as the banks have done unto us.


When it comes to teaching your kids morality there are two very distinct sets of rules.  One set of morals applies to living, breathing, human beings and can be summed up in one golden rule..."Don't Be A Dick".  The other applies to faceless, heartless corporations that have one bottom line in mind and can be summed up thusly..."Stick It To The Man".  Should he have given the money back as soon as he noticed an extra 69 grand in his account?  Perhaps.  Should he face criminal charges for benefiting from an institution that has done the same?  Debatable.  Should I hope my kids would do the same thing in the same situation? 

Yes,  I have bills to pay.

Don't Be Such A Mom

I don't know if you've seen the Huggies Dad campaign commercials or not, but apparently some Stay At Home Dads have created quite a controversy over these ads.   I personally found them hilarious (and not too far from the truth)  but some SAHDs with thin skin have created writing campaigns and petitions to remove these ads from television and the internet, although there are still a few funny ones floating around.





Huggies finally pulled their "offensive" commercials after being bombarded by letters.   So what was so offensive?  In one commercial, a baby is given to Dad while he watches the big game.  The commercial states that their diapers won't leak even if the game goes into double overtime.  The offensive idea being that dads are incompetent (some truth), would rather watch the game than take care of their kids (only if it's football), and let their babies sit in waste while they watch the game.  So, you're telling me that you change your kid's diaper the instant it is dirty?  You've honestly never let your child sit in it for a little while?  Maybe until timeout is called ?  Or the end of the inning?  Come on dads.

 Congratulations on your efforts, but...I'm a dude.  I don't care how I am portrayed in commercials and I definitely don't want to waste the precious time my kids spend napping writing an angry letter or signing your stupid petition.

Which is more precious?  Her sleeping or my free time?

You're a man.  Act like one.  If you don't like the commercial, stop buying Huggies.  If you don't buy Huggies in the first place, then skip the letter writing and go back to playing Call of Duty.  Angry letters to companies are for moms.  Don't be such a mom.

I didn't even know this was such a big deal until visiting one of my favorite stay at home dad forums (there are only like three of them) and reading all the ridiculous comments from other dads.  What I want to know is, why are there so many SAHDs who take this kind of stuff so seriously.   It's all meant to be in fun and if you're a good father, it shouldn't matter how some corporation represents dads.  My guess is that these commercials hit a little too close to home for some of you, you realized you're not a perfect parent and your ego took it out on Huggies in the form of pen and paper.  Lighten up and enjoy it.  And it's okay if you don't change that diaper right away.  That's what rash cream is for.

Apply gently after each game.

Here is the new, watered-down, not-funny, boring, nobody-is-offended-everybody-is-happy version.




Thanks a ton Stay At Home Douchebags.