Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Top Ten Things A Stay At Home Dad Hears The Most

One of the joys of being a Stay At Home Dad is getting to take your kids everywhere, and I do mean everywhere.  Gas stations, grocery stores, doctor appointments, the dentist (not really a doctor), parks, zoos, libraries (peace & quiet) and so on.  I've found that the more places I go, the more I hear the same few comments.

I guess to them I'm just a Dad spending his day off work with the kids.  Maybe I need to get a shirt that reads "Stay At Home Dad".  Below is a list of the most common questions and comments I receive while I'm out and about with the kiddos and how I'd like to respond.  Usually it's quicker to just smile, nod, and get home before the baby pukes, the toddler pees, or the boy goes into an ADHD fueled riot.

#10. "Are you giving Mom a break?

First off, If you're directing your question to me, leave my mom out of it.  Secondly, nobody is getting a break here.  It's just me trying to avoid World War 3 breaking out between the warring countries of Older Brother and Middle Sister.  If you'd stop talking and start bagging those jars of Parents Choice Stage 3 Very Berry Banana, we could both continue on our day.

Smile and Nod.

#9.  "I could never get my husband to take the kids to the park."

Well lady, that's probably because your husband works all damned day.  If I had to work all day and then come home, the last thing I'd want to do would be to take all my kids out and about without any backup.  I've already put in ten hours at the office with a bunch of people who act like kids, I don't want to come home and spend more time with people who are kids.

#8.  "Are you babysitting?"

What intelligent person would hire a 31 year old man to babysit their kids?  Men don't babysit unless there is something wrong with them, like a severe case of pedophilia.  Sorry to tell you, but these are my kids, yes, even the cute one, and I'm not babysitting...I'm doing my job.

Smile and Nod.

#7.  "Awwww....you're so cute!"

This statement is, of course, always directed at one of the kids, but I can't resist saying "Thank You, the baby is pretty cute too don't you think."  This response usually ends in someone blushing.  Most often it's me as the cashier ignores me or laughs hysterically.

#6.  "Where is Momma?"

Are you concerned that I have kidnapped these three beautiful children and then taken them to McDonald's before we make our getaway on the open highway?  Perhaps, you feel me incompetent to care for these kids myself and fear for their safety.   When I have all three kids with me, I like to say "She's out in the van with the other five."

#5.  "Looks like Daddy got a day off work."

Yeah, they shut down the coal mine for the rest of the week.  Yeah, we delogged that forest quicker than they thought.  Yeah, they docked my Alaskan fishing boat for the rest of the month.  Yeah, I'm taking a break from Ultimate Fighting.  See what I did there?  This is my work lady.  It's a man's job.

Smile and Nod.

#4.  "Is it your weekend to have the kids."

Do I look divorced and unlovable?  To be fair, my sandals are dirty, my toenails are hideous, these plaid shorts probably don't look right with this striped shirt and my hair isn't combed.  But to answer your question, no it's not my weekend.  It's my day to have the kids.  As is the next day and the next day and so on until they're 18 and I can kick them out.

#3.   "So what do you do?"

Smiling and nodding does have it's drawbacks as this question usually comes after a yes response to #5.  Luckily, I have started working part-time recently and this isn't so hard to answer now.  Before working though, the proper answer was, "Well, I am a Head Chef/Maintenance Man/Groundskeeper/Event Planner/Teacher/Housekeeper/Cameraman/Chauffeur/Secretary and an Excellent Lover.

#2.  "Did you get laid off?"

How I wish lady.  Unfortunately, this is an everyday job that requires 24 hour shifts, including holidays, weekends, and no paid overtime.  I get limited breaks that consist mainly of me locking myself into the bathroom trying to read the newspaper on my Nook while attempting to ignore the loud banging on the door and repeated questions of "Daddy?  What are you doing?"

#1.  "Got the kids huh?"

Every comment above is one I often hear from a well meaning female.  The one question that I hate the most though, comes from other men.  It's not so much how unnecessary the question is, you can see the kids right there, so...uh...yeah...I got the kids.   It's more the tone of their voice while asking.

They make it sound like having the kids is a bad thing.   That's what's wrong with so many dads, or at least the ones that ask me this.  They make spending time with the kids sound like a major drag.  Now, don't get me wrong, I don't always want to spend every second of the day with my kids and "Go Play Outside" is one of my "Go To" parenting moves when I need a break.  So how do I respond?


Smile and Nod.

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