Heavy Metal - Kid Tested. Father Approved.

Let it be known that I hate toddler music.  That goes for music marketed at tweens and adolescents as well.  Enemy number one used to be Barney and all his mind-numbing songs.  No my good purple dinosaur, my ears do not hang low, nor do they wobble to and fro and I'm sure as hell not going to tie them in a knot or bow.  He has since lost his position to Kidz Bop.    Have you seen the commercials for these abominations?  The videos are even worse.  Check it out:


Lady Gaga is scary enough, I don't need to see tweens bouncing around and singing her songs to scare me even more.   I felt dirty the entire 45 seconds I managed to power through watching that video.  It's like watching the Toddlers and Tiaras rejects' slow demise into a world of backup dancers, alcoholism and porn movies.   Whatever messages these songs and videos send to our kids, they can't be good.  That's why I prefer to let my kids listen to metal.

Before you start warning me about the dangers of backwards masking, lead singers choking to death on their own vomit, and spandex, let me explain metal music to you.  There are two very simple categories that all metal music can be boxed in to.  Box 1 contains metal music with lyrics you can understand.  Box 2 contains those metal songs with growling, grunts, and unintelligible screams.  It is this second box of music that my kids have come to know and love.

The stuff my kids listen to may have a very horrible message, but let's face it, you can't really understand what the guy's saying anyway, so who cares?  I'd rather my kids listen to I Declare War or Cattle Decapitation than to any rap, pop, 70's tunes, or ninety percent of mainstream country that audibly glorifies, sex, drugs or rock and roll.  I don't want them "on the floor" shaking booty to J. Lo.  And line dancing, while harmless, makes you look like an idiot.  Chance are, if it's a dance that white folk invented, it's not worth dancing.

Metal music is great for road trips.  I keep at least one death metal cd in each vehicle.  When the kids start whining, I crank it up to 11 and they either fall asleep or start banging their head.  Either way, it overpowers the whining.  If you need help choosing a metal toddler music, here is a simple rule of thumb.  If you can't read the band's name then you most likely can't understand a word they're saying.

WARNING:Easy To Read!  DO NOT LET KIDS LISTEN!!!

I couldn't tell you what band this is, but if you see it in the store PICK IT UP!!!

Wouldn't it be nice to have a third box of metal music though?  A box full of both pounding double bass, ridiculous sweep picking guitar riffs, and wholesome lyrics that kids can sing along to?  I think Jim Breuer is on to something here:




So how about it I Declare War? You already did some Christmas Songs, I think an album of toddler music is the next logical step.