Reason To Have Kids #8

While kids mostly make you crazy, there are a few, shining moments when they can really make you laugh.  Nothing is funnier than a child's face when they're pooping.  Nothing.

What's Inside My Body?

The boy received many books for Christmas, but my favorite would have to be What's Inside My Body?.  Besides the title, which is good for a couple laughs, it reminded me of a rule we had to create for the Girl.  Some of the things you have to say to your kids are hilarious.  But, some of the things you overhear your spouse telling your kids in another room are even funnier.   It happened around two years ago, but the book title jogged my memory as if it happened yesterday.

I was hard at it on the computer, typing away, working on another website.

Focused.

In the zone.

I could hear some shuffling and struggling going on between the Girl and my wife, but I was able to ignore it.  I was determined to finish what I was working on.  Then I overheard my wife saying,  "Yes, there are many interesting holes in our bodies, but fingers do not belong in any of them".  Now, I can't remember what exactly was going on between the two of them and, personally, I think this rule is funnier if I don't know which finger was in which hole.  Regardless of finger placement, this rule is pretty solid.

Don't put fingers in your body's holes.

Honey-Snot Cheerios

Cheerios-Now with extra nutrients.

Temporary Tattoos, Permanent Fears

My daughter loves temporary tattoos; this frightens me.

 The girl and Daddy with matching tattoos. My arm is the one on the right.

There is really no good reason to be scared, but, I am.  An example of the irrational mind of a father follows.  One minute he is filled with joy, watching his sweet daughter placing butterfly and Disney Princess ink on her skin.  The next, he sees a vision of tramp stamps and leaving home as she rides tandem with a double-sleeved biker named Snake.

Today, I learned that maybe I should let go of the horrific visions of the future and be more afraid of where she puts the tattoos now.

This morning, we moved away from the precious pink and sparkly tattoos and on to something a little more hardcore.  Pirates!  She took the booty tatt for herself.

I, of course, took the skull and crossbones.

After getting my ink, I went on about my daily business.  Little did I know, the girl wasn't done playing Tattoo Parlor.

Like I said earlier, I should be more worried about where she puts the tattoos now.  But, what's a pirate without a parrot on her shoulder face?  I can't get the baby to sit still with me in the rocking chair.  How did the girl get her to sit still for 30 seconds with a wet rag on her face?  At least she'll look tough in the church nursery.

Only At Mattress Giant. (go ahead and say it....Ooooh Aaaaah)

The girl has been in need of a new bed mattress for some time now.  Her current bed is a hand-me-down from an older brother that liked to pretend his mattress was a trampoline.  It was in rough shape when the boy used it, considering it was previously used by me during my early to mid-twenties--a period I like to call the "Blackout Years".  And, while the boy did his share of puking in the bed, I must admit, that some of those stains are mine, including one memorable one that led me to never drink another drop of hard liquor.  But enough reminiscing.  I want to talk about kids bedding sets, or more importantly, why my kids don't need them.

I've seen some ridiculous bed sets, but my favorite would have to be the Dora bedding that's printed right on the mattress:

I understand the need to market licensed characters, but honestly, what good does Dora's rotund face do on the mattress?  I'm not going to NOT put a bed sheet on it.  It's not like my daughter can see Diego through her bed sheets and one-inch thick piddle-pad.  So, I see no reason to pay over three-hundred dollars for this mattress when I can buy one just as comfortable for seventy bucks.  Then there's this.

We're standing in the mattress store and the salesman is showing us all the different possibilities.  There is the $70 plain-old coil mattress, the $260 Euro top twin, and the $400 Super-duper, Extra-double-padded, Pillow Top Deluxe bedding sets.   He offers to get them down (twins aren't on floor display) so the girl can try them out.  My wife and I look at each other, then at the girl, and decide that's not necessary.

This bed will be used by a 3-year old that weighs somewhere around 25-30 pounds soaking wet.  I think just about any mattress will do.  Besides, kids can fall asleep in just about any environment or position, regardless of bedding.  Perhaps a trip through some old photos could strengthen this argument.

Sometimes it's just not worth walking to your bed.

 This was one of the boy's favorite ways to sleep.

Kids have an amazing ability to fall asleep with all matters of crap on their face.

Like hair-bows...

...or hangers...

...or even, glasses.

This is parenting's version of drawing on the passed out drunk guy.

Children can go to sleep in the middle of eating, so I doubt that Pillow-Top mattress is going to matter.  I like to call this one the Pop-Tart Pass Out.

Is that soft, velvety Euro-cover really going to matter if my kids can fall asleep in a hard plastic chair...

...using a dinner-tray for a pillow?

WARNING:  These next two examples may cause your bones to groan.  Do not look if you pull muscles easily.

There isn't much to say about these sleeping positions other than this:  If your kid can fall asleep like this, it doesn't matter what the hell they're sleeping on.

 I get a crick in my neck every time I see this photo.

Never practice Yoga when you're sleepy.

Seeing as how our kids can sleep in just about any position or situation, I couldn't bring myself to purchase the expensive beds.  Besides, we all know the best mattress is a human one:

A Night of Wickedness

This year, one of my wife's Christmas gifts included two tickets to see Wicked the Musical.  Her other gift was my agreeing to go without complaining.  At the risk of losing my Man Card, I'd have to say that I enjoyed myself a bit, even if our journey to the Emerald City didn't go quite as planned.

Over our twelve years together, my wife has learned how horrible I am when it comes to subtle hint dropping.  It's best if you just tell me what you want from me.  So when she told me she would like to see Wicked the Musical, I took that not-so-subtle hint to mean that I needed to get us some tickets.  After one day of ticket hunting and calling baby sitters (Grandparents), I was well on my way to giving her a Christmas to remember.  The problem is, I stopped with the tickets.

I thought I had everything set up for a great evening.  It wasn't until dinner that I realized maybe I should have done a little more planning.  I figured we would catch some dinner before our trip to the theater so off we headed to our favorite, The Olive Garden.  The closer we came to our destination the more I started to wonder to myself.

"Should I have made reservations?"

When the hostess said we would have a 45-minute wait, I knew the answer.  Okay, so I screwed up our dinner plans, but at least there are plenty of places to eat nearby right?

"Nothing says romance like breakfast for dinner." - The Wife

At least she is understanding and can laugh at/with me when I screw up.  We were in and out in the same amount of time it would have taken us just to get a table across the street.  That should count for something.  On to the theater...

Ten dollars worth of parking and a short wait in the "Will Call" line later, I felt like the night was going much better.  Little did I know that this musical had the running time of a Lord of the Rings movie.  Throw in a thirty minute delay of game penalty and we're looking at not getting out of the theater until 11 p.m.  This wouldn't have been too much of a big deal if I had arranged for overnight baby-sitting and a hotel room for ourselves.

I didn't.

And we were a solid hour and fifteen minutes away from the grandparents.

Thankfully, the parking garage may have saved the night.

The entertainment provided in the parking garage was well worth the ten-dollar admission price.  By the time we reached our car it was 11:30 and there were already cars lined up, with people honking and shaking their heads at each other.  This was the perfect time for some marital bonding.  Wicked had some great special effects, the singing was spot on, and the costumes and props were amazing, but the real entertainment came in the garage.

Nothing can bring two people closer together than making fun of the idiocy of complete strangers.  We spent the next twenty or thirty minutes, just sitting in our mini-van making up back stories to the people inching their ways through the garage, wasting gas, polluting the environment, and displaying true wickedness.

There was the mom in an old, beat up mini-van, wearing what appeared to be some sort of dead animal around her shoulders.  There was the bald dude in a huge 4-wheel drive, extended cab Ford that looked ready to jump out of his truck and beat the next person that tried to pull out in front of him.  But the most entertaining (and sad) thing we saw, was the absolute selfishness and hatred that people showed towards each other.  If everybody had taken turns, we could have all been out of the garage in little time.

People would rather risk rear-ending the car in front of them than allowing somebody to cut in front of them.  It was absolutely amazing to see people rev their cars up with one foot and immediately apply the brake with the other, all in the hopes of getting out before one other person.  And that's what's wrong with our society.

It's not guns, violent video games, or the lack of/presence of an omnipotent being in schools.  It's the fact that some, okay, probably all, people are selfish and disrespectful.  They would rather get their way or be first or whatever the case may be, than to put someone else's wishes in front of their own.  Until we learn that we're all in this together, we'll continue to destroy ourselves.  And that, is truly wicked.