Rules

My Dad says that the grandkids remind him of me.  That's funny, because I don't remember doing half of the horrible crap that they've done.  I'm closing down my Facebook "Rules" page and posting them all here for now.  Perhaps they'll help new dads get a glimpse of what they're in for.  Maybe these rules will help prevent teen pregnancies.  If I'd known what I was in for, I certainly wouldn't have ever been interested in sex.

Rule #12 - Although poop is quite easy to work with, it is not commonly found in modern forms of art. So keep it in your diaper or the toilet and off of your bedroom wall.

Rule#24 -  Do not eat drywall. I'm already disappointed in you for not eating the pot roast and green beans I made. Then you pull this stunt?

Rule # 28 - Do not argue over the cup of Dairy Queen tap water when there is a Cookie Dough Blizzard melting in front of both of you.

Rule #8 - Do not chew on your bed. Our dog, which eats crap, drinks out of the toilet and sniffs butt holes has this rule down. Why can't you? This brings me to Rule#9: Do not sniff butt holes.

 Rule#30:  Daddy's acoustic guitar is an instrument not a toy box. It is also not a lunchbox. Keep your Cherry Pop-Tarts out of it.

Rule#20: Just because you can eat it, that doesn't mean that fish can eat it. In fact, the oils that these croutons release are deadly to goldfish.

Rule#14:  Do not squeeze dish soap into the fish tank. They do not enjoy bubble baths and it kills them. On the plus side, Daddy is glad he no longer has to clean the tank.

Rule#22: Although Vaseline has many fine and useful applications to various body parts, your hair is not really one of them. Please do not lather your hair with it. And while we're on the subject, just because it's called Petroleum Jelly, doesn't mean you should treat it as you would Grape Jelly. Do not eat it.

Rule#18: Take off your brand new shirt before you attempt to feed yourself.

Rule#26: No, actually, those goats do not poop Cocoa Puffs. Do not touch or eat anything that comes out of an animal's hind quarters.

Rule#29: Do not leave your panties to smolder on the lampshade. Not only did you almost burn the house down, but now your mother and I are worried about your future years and reputation at college.

Rule #1 - Learning to potty train is a new experience. I understand it is hard to grasp it all right away. Having said that, Do not use toilet paper to wipe your nose after using that same piece of toilet paper to wipe your anus or naughty bits.

Read about more Rules I Thought I'd Never Have To Make.