Danger Is My Middle Name

Some people like to say that once you have children, the thrill of living is over.  No more exciting weekend ski trips, no more Fast Pass fun at amusement parks, and no more hanky-panky without hearing a small child knocking on the door asking what you're doing.  Well, they're right.  But I say you just have to make your own excitement once you have kids.  Just because you gain thirty pounds, have high cholesterol, and are on anti-depression meds doesn't mean you don't know how to party.  Here are a few ideas for making life a little more fun.

Paint:  We've been redecorating our house lately and while painting is about as much fun as watching it dry, it can easily become an exciting adventure.  After three days of mundane taping, pouring, and wearing raggedy clothes, I decided to liven things up a little.  I put on my nice, black dress-shirt and started painting.

Every brush dip into the paint can was a breath-holding moment similar to those experienced by snipers on the battle field.  Every stroke of the brush on the wall made my heart beat quicker and my mind rush.  Would this be the time that the bristles splattered paint all over my nice shirt.  It was a rush.   Insanity Wolf approves.

Drinks:  My kids drink like I did in my early twenties.  The only exception is that chocolate milk doesn't make them black out and lose track of time.  I thought science would have came up with some type of drink that would make your kids pass out for a couple of hours by now.    I guess there's always the Benadryl Cocktail.

 Prepare to stock up on milk. Four gallons should last you two days.

Take sippy cups to the next level by letting your children pour their own drinks.  Watching your child lift a gallon jug of milk into the air with two hands is sure to get your blood flowing.  Their arms start shaking, the milk begins sloshing back and forth, and you're standing there wondering if you should jump in and help or just enjoy the rush.

Enjoy it.

Besides, eventually your kid will get the hang of it and you won't have to pour those drinks at all anymore.  For added excitement, I recommend putting important documents underneath the sippy cup your child is trying to pour milk into.

Dinner:  After you've spent an hour making dinner, prepare your child's plate.  Fill it up until you can't see Dora staring at you through those giant, dead eyes of hers.  Then, let your kid carry the plate to the table.  The suspense will damn near kill you.

Don't warn your son that he's tilting his plate to the left.  Don't you dare tell your daughter to use both hands to steady the plate.  Much like that corn, carrots and peas medley, you'll be living on the edge, just waiting to watch all of your hard work come crashing down around you.  Thank goodness that bedtime follows soon after dinner, you'll be spent by the time your kid makes it to the table.

 Not even close to being full enough.

  Closer, but you can still see those beady eyes.

 Now you've got it.

For more dinner time fun, try leaving your child's shirt on while he eats.