Boo at the Zoo

My wife and I try to plan fun things for the kids to do.  We always fail.  No matter how much we think the kids will like this thing or that, it always ends in us being grumpy--either at each other or the kids--for example:  Our zoo trips.

Our zoo is awesome.  If you've never been to the St. Louis Zoo, you're missing out.  First off, it's free.  What other all-day event can you do with your kids that's free?  A picnic at the park?  No thanks, you can keep your peanut butter and jelly sandwiches while I down a 1/2 pound of charbroiled meat next to the Conservation Carousel.

Your kids can ride a cow while you eat one.

Secondly, it's one of the highest-rated zoos in the country.  I don't have time to back that up with any links.  Google it.  I have stuff to type and my kids get off the bus in ten minutes.  With everything the zoo has going for it we have a miserable experience every time we go.

When we finally make it over to the zoo, the first thing we see is not the penguins or the camels or even the turtles.  It's the bland, beige, booger-bespeckled wall of the North Entrance Restroom.  In and out with speed that would make a pit crew chief proud and we're on our way.  Then five minutes later, coming out of the Penguin House, we stop at another bathroom, because our oldest daughter hasn't figured out that you can go poop and pee in the same bathroom trip.

Maybe the fish smell triggers something.

Halfway through our day (and a couple more stops at bathrooms), our son hasn't seen a single animal yet--despite the 45-minute drive to the zoo in which he discussed all the animals he was going to see.   His Aspergian obsession with maps keeps his head down and his nose buried.   While he can tell you exactly where the lions are located at on the map, to this day, I don't think he's actually ever seen one.

Drawn from his memory.

And then there's the zoo train--an awesome idea in theory, but a horrible idea when you have a double stroller, a diaper bag, a snack bag, a 6-foot 4-inch body-frame and three kids that have almost every Thomas the Train video that's ever been peddled.  I swear that some times we don't go to the zoo for the animals. We go for the train ride.

And then, at some point in the trip, the baby (yes, I know she's 3 now) breaks down.  Our first two kids never had public meltdowns or temper-tantrums.  Libby is making up for it.  We try to lay her down in the stroller, give her a sippy, and let her nap.  It doesn't work.  EVER.  The one kid in the group that actually looks at the animals, points at animals, and makes animal noises, is done for the day.  Clock her out, she's going home.  And so are we.