Sunday Night Football

Tonight's game may be one of the best Sunday Night Football matches of the season.  NFC divisional rivals Seahawks and 49ers have taken the field in the 1st quarter.  I sit down to watch.

That's not entirely true.

I've sat in the same seat since 12:05 this afternoon watching Yahoo's Stat Tracker, eating things I shouldn't, and yelling at the television.

  They can't hear me either Ramsey.

Then the kids come downstairs and ask me to tuck them in.

Pause.

Thank you Anthony Wood for inventing the DVR.  Although you don't use one yourself, sports-fans everywhere thank you that we have the ability to pause, rewind, and watch our own replays frame-by-frame.  It's empowering and makes us feel justified when yelling at refs for obvious blown-calls.

As an added bonus, I can also feel like Super Dad and tuck my kids in at night while the Niners and Hawks wait patiently for me to return from my fatherly duties.  The kids have my full attention.  Kind of.

While the boy and I lay in his bed talking about Power Rangers and the Seven-Legged monster they fought today, I can't help but think what I'm missing.  Has Kaepernick ran in a touchdown yet?  Who's winning?  How much Adderall has Sherman taken?

  It's for narcolepsy. Don't judge.

Eventually, the boy tells me he is tired of talking and wants to sleep; he allows me to leave.  I come downstairs to find 23 minutes of time built up on the DVR.

Using the "Pause" button to let me tuck my children in at night is great, but here's the real reason to pause the game: 23 minutes of recorded time lets me skip commercials and half-time.  I plop down on the couch, confident in my superb parenting abilities, and ready to watch an amazing, commercial-free, half-time-free game.

Play.

CRAP!!!  There goes my 23-minutes.  I walk back upstairs to see if I can interest Caleb in some more Power Ranger talk.

I Wanna Rock

We all have our bedtime routines.  For the boy, it's a glass of water and wanting to talk while he falls asleep.  While it was annoying at first (I figured it was just a ploy to stay up later), it soon turned in to one of my favorite parts of the day.  I'm not competing with SpongeBob SquarePants or Angry Birds for his attention.  And like his absorbent, yellow, porous friend, he soaks up everything we talk about at night.  It's a great opportunity to warn him about the dangers of drugs, not wearing a seat belt, and the flaws of a "Two Party" system.

The girl's routine consists of getting out of bed a minimum of three times: once for hugs, again for kisses, and a third for the all-important glass of water.  Depending on her level of tiredness and the inefficacy of my yelling at her to go back to bed, we may see her three or more times yet again.  This results in us locking our bedroom doors, turning out the lights, and turning a deaf ear.  It works.  We might trip over a 4-year old sleeping outside our bedroom door in the morning, but it works.

The baby has taken a lesson from her older sister and comes out of her room each night before bed too.  But instead of wanting hugs, kisses, and water, she only wants one thing.  Like her speed-metal-loving Dad, she just wants to rock.  How can I say no?

  She likes to rock out with her book about crocs out.

If you don't have a rocking chair, you're missing out.  It's the best way to fall asleep, but that can also lead to problems.  The idea is for the baby to pass out, but I usually end up falling asleep first.  It doesn't matter if it's 10 o'clock at night or 10 minutes after seven.  If I'm rocking in that chair, I will be unconscious first.

Every time.

No matter the time.

While the saliva gathers at the corners of my mouth, Libby is left with unfettered freedom to destroy the house in true Rock Star fashion.  Eventually, she tires of pulling the cookware out of the cabinets and spreading toys across the floor; she falls asleep.  I guess we all have our bedtime routines.

Heavy Birthday

I never liked hearing about the "Terrible Twos" that people talk about all the time.  I can certainly appreciate the alliteration of that fabulous phrase, but let's face it, the terrible twos began two years ago.  You started losing sleep, gaining weight, and your exposure to feces skyrocketed.  If that ain't terrible, I don't know what is.  Sure the first few months are good, but eventually that baby starts rolling over, crawling, and getting in to your stuff.  One day you're proud of her for learning how to crawl, the next day you're realizing that you'll never own nice things again.

But, they're worth it.  And while I'll miss my original Peter Venkman Ghostbuster, numerous cd's that will never play again, and my sanity (things Elizabeth has ruined), I wouldn't trade her to have them back.  Happy 2nd to my sweet Elizabeth.  We may have screwed up that first birthday, but at least we had a proper cake this year.

And the food was delicious.  Mmmmmm....crab dip.

Speaking of crab meat and other things that live under the sea, how's that SpongeBob SquareCake taste?

She had a blast opening her presents, trying on her new outfits, and playing with her pom-poms.

Not as much fun as she had playing with the gift bags though.

But, birthdays aren't always fun.  Especially for the older sister that doesn't understand why the baby gets presents while she is left out.

The pouty problem is promptly impeded (I told you I love alliteration), because  pom-poms, like sisters, come in pairs.  With one pom a piece, they were both smiling.

And with the two older kids in school and Libby taking a nap while I write, Daddy is smiling too. Happy Birthday Elizabeth.

Escape From The Prison Planet

There are 3 ways that I love to be woken up from a sound slumber and none of them involve children.  They are: the smell of bacon being cooked,  the voice of Terry Bradshaw and the Fox NFL Sunday crew discussing football, and one that, while it may ultimately lead to children, it should never involve them.

 Look, Terry likes The Parenting Dad!!!*

*image may be photoshopped**   **badly photoshopped
Unfortunately for me, the past couple of days I've been woken up by the thud of Elizabeth dropping out of her crib.  It's a truly horrible sound--meat hitting the Berber carpet.  If you've never heard it before, try dropping your Philosophy 101 text-book on the dorm floor.  A dead, lifeless thud.  The ensuing silence is quite eerie.

Those of us that have kids already know the noise (and the silence) quite well.  That cute little baby mattress only lowers so much.  Eventually, there are only two options:  you switch to a toddler bed, or you wait it out.  Neither one is safe.  Waiting it out is the consensus among parents.  It's the lesser of two evils.  Eventually, your child will learn how to escape from the crib.  At that point, you should switch to a toddler bed, it's easier on the baby, but it's much, much harder on you.

  And there's no turning back.

After hearing Libby drop gracefully from her crib a couple of times, we decided to convert her bed into its Toddler Bed form.  Her bed is pretty cool, it converts into three-different configurations so it can grow along with her.  It's kind of like a Transformer, except instead of being an awesome car and saving the world, it's a milk-stained bed frame.  (Us parents have to grasp at anything we can to escape the harsh realities of raising children.)

While the toddler bed keeps Elizabeth safe from cracking her big, beautiful head open, it presents other dangers--to herself and me.  She's free now ("at large" might be a better term) and since she's the first one to bed at night, she is usually the first one to rise in the morning.  That means unsupervised access to the house.  Here are just a few things that Libby has done with her newfound freedom.

The first morning wasn't so bad.  She started ripping all of her diapers out of the package, but I caught her before she could do too much damage.  The next day was a little worse.  She has this game she likes to play where she rips all the wet-wipes out of the package one-by-one.  I hate this game with every ounce of my fiber.  There are a lot of ounces in my fiber.  It's a small thing to get so upset about, but them wet-wipes ain't cheap and she can destroy a Family-Sized box of them quicker than I can earn $15.97.

  Her reaction after I told her the next box of wipes was coming out of her piggy bank.

After the wipes incident, I moved her changing table, diapers, and wipes into our bathroom where they could be locked away.  There is a problem with not being able to lock up everything though.  The fridge is locked up, the pantry is impenetrable, and after seven years of collecting dust, I finally installed those child-proof locks on the cabinets and drawers. Despite all of our technology, we still can't cure human error.

With doors, drawers, and cabinets locked I woke up to this one morning:

It does no good to child-proof the house if you're going to leave breakfast condiments on the table and last night's dinner on the kitchen counter.  The smell of maple syrup and pepperoni should be patented and sold to the military for top-secret weapon development.  I expected the plate to break in half with the amount of force it took me to pry this pepperoni-platter off the floor.

Forty-five minutes, two-ruined towels, and one bath later, the mess (and Elizabeth) was cleaned up.  We could now get on with our day.  For me, that meant unlocking the fridge and pantry to prepare breakfast (obviously not pancakes now) for the kids.  As I reached for the fridge's lock I smelled that old, familiar smell and felt that old, sticky syrupy feeling.  That lock may be sticky, but at least it works.

The Duggar Escape Plan

I remember the joys and wonders of our first pregnancy--the hopes and dreams, the worries, the baby-proofing.  It's hard to believe that was over seven years ago.  I recall one question people loved to ask us after our first-born:  Are you done?  The potato has barely cooled down since coming out of the oven and people already want to know if that's that.  Give me some time to figure out if I like this one before asking me if there's going to be another.  Ask me again in two years.

There are many times I would have loved to answer "Yes" to that question.  But the truth is, if you're going to have one kid, you need to have two.  The benefits of two children far outweigh the initial start-up costs of adding a second child.  If you can have them both at the same time, you'll save yourself a bit of money.  Sure, having a kid is expensive and with the world in its current state, maybe we should be adopting kids instead of making new ones.  But, having that second child solves a lot of problems.

 Twins are cute and cost-effective when compared to two pregnancies.

An only child gets all the attention, doesn't have to share, and worse yet, wants to play with you.  You need to shake his world up.  I don't care how cute the first child is, he'll take a backseat to a newborn every time.   He'll learn his place once you start calling him by the baby's name.  That's if he's lucky.  More than likely, you'll have such a hard time coming up with his name that he'll only get a "Hey you" or "Big Brother".

Don't worry.  It's perfectly fine to forget your child's name or to use the wrong one.  In fact, it's helpful.  I have no research to back this up, but have you seen child research?  It's creepy.

  See. Creepy. Good luck sleeping tonight.

Do you want your first-born to be a spoiled, ego-centric narcissist? Do you?  Then hurry up with that second child.  Big brother will be old news and he'll learn that the world doesn't revolve around him.  He'll hear the baby screaming at 2 in the morning and then watch you run in to spend time with his little sister.   Meanwhile, anytime he screams for something to drink, you tell him to quiet down and get it himself.  You know that's going to knock him down a few rungs.  Mom and Dad can't get baby a bottle fast enough, but won't lift a finger to get the boy some chocolate milk.  Such is life.

Now that your first-born is knocked back to reality, it's time to focus on another problem that a second child can fix--tantrums.  Tantrums will soon be a thing of the past.  While the older child lies on the floor kicking and screaming, you can take the baby into another room and relax.   While you're getting your chill on with the baby, big sister's screams eventually deplete her of air and she passes out leaving you and baby to your rocking chair and scented candles.  Enjoy.

  The only scented candle a man should own.

Baby also learns from older siblings.  Potty-training Caleb was a nightmare.  Leah was a breeze.  (Here's to hoping Libby is too.) She watched big brother going potty and wanted to do it herself.  And she did.  She basically potty-trained herself, leaving her Mom and me to more important things, like watching LOST and Dexter (there wasn't much else on t.v. in 2008).  Leah learned to dress herself while we were busy helping Caleb get dressed and she mastered utensils while watching us feed the boy.  I'm telling you, the second one is so much easier.  If you feel like a crappy parent with your first child, the second one will be a confidence booster.

  It's important to remember that being confident doesn't necessarily mean you're NOT a crappy parent.

But here's the most important benefit.   After some time, the older kid realizes that the baby gets all the good stuff from Mom and Dad--hugs and kisses instead of yells and switches.  (Does anybody use a switch anymore?  I think it's time we brought 'em back.)  Once they've discovered this, they start playing with the baby.  This frees you up from having to deal with either one of them.  Genius!

Some of you may want to know about the problems that arise from having two kids instead of one.  While things do get a little hairy with a second child, it's an easy fix.   Have a third kid.  By this time, your oldest can help with the baby, and the middle child is happy to have somebody smaller to boss around.  All you'll have to do is pour food in their bowls in the morning.  When you start having problems with your three children, toss a fourth into the mix.  Problem solved.  Eventually, you'll have enough kids to start your own reality t.v. show.  You'll be rich and famous.  You're welcome.

Lose For Winning

Never let your kid win at games.  I don't care if it's chess or EleFun, you play to win.  Letting your kid win only does one thing--it makes them think they're better than they are.  Kids need to know the value of sucking at something.  They need to know that everybody sucks at everything the first time they do anything.  Teach them that practice is the only way to get better.

  I highly recommend not actually calling your kid a loser. Although, it may be motivating.

You let them win and they'll never practice.  Some say it's best to let your kid win now and then, i.e., it's a confidence booster.  Maybe, but it's a false confidence and a false faith in their own ability.  They'll turn in to that one adult that thinks everything they do is golden.  They think they're unbeatable, and when they do actually get put in their place, they come up with excuses.  You know somebody like that.  We all do.  Do your kids a favor, beat them every time. Don't let them be that guy.

  Also, good advice.

Let them know it's okay to lose.   Teach them how to lose gracefully and how to use that loss to motivate themselves to become better.  There is nothing worse than a sore loser, except maybe a sore winner.  (Side Note: Sore winners don't apply to Fantasy Football.  Suck it losers.)

Our kids love winning.  Who doesn't?  The older two make everything a competition whether its finishing dinner, buckling the seat belt, or getting in the tub.  First to finish wins and lets everybody know that they've won.     The loser usually ends up making excuses by saying something along the lines of "Everything isn't a race", or "I wasn't racing anyway."  That's actually quite true, because nobody is aware of a race until one is the self-proclaimed victor.

While the constant races get to be annoying, it's also a blessing.  Neither one of them wins all the time and they both get to experience winning and losing.  I hate to see the look of disappointment on my child's face when one of them loses.  But I love to see the look of determination when they smile and say, "Let's play again!"

Don't forget to strip away those pesky Participation Trophies.