My Little Tumbelina

Before you sign your kid up for a child gymnastics class, there are a few things you should know.  Sure, the girls look cute in their dance outfits and they love getting their hair done, but that all costs money.  Precious, precious money that you could otherwise be spending on bacon and Redd's Apple Ale.  Don't commit to that monthly gym fee until you've counted up the costs.

Classes:  One class runs 30 dollars a month.  The more classes you enroll your child in, the less each class costs.  So, for gymnastics and dance, we'd shell out 52 dollars.  Throw in some jazz hands and you're talking 70 bucks a month.  Sure it's a great deal, but who wants to sit through a jazz recital?

What bothers me the most about classes is that parents aren't allowed to watch.  We drop off Leah for 45-minutes and then come back.  I don't know what's going on in there each week.

 We could be shelling out all of this money for her to do nothing but somersaults each week.  Then again, it's 3/4 of an hour that my wife and I get to revert back from a zone defense to one-on-one coverage, so it's well worth it.

Dance Outfit:  While the girls look cute in their gymnastics outfits, it doesn't necessarily follow that the outfits themselves are cute.  In fact, the one we had to buy for Leah was pretty hideous.  It also cost 61 dollars and she wore it twice.  But, she was cute enough to get flowers from some guy in the audience:

The tumbling outfit that we bought her for classes looks better than this one, it only cost 20 dollars, and she wore it every week to practice from September to May.

Hair Styling:  Once you've blown money on clothes, it's time to throw more of it away on fancy hair-dos that last two or three days.  I couldn't tell you how much it costs to get hair done, because I opted for The Deb hair-do, you can't go wrong with a classic.  My wife later opted to undo my hairdo and do a new do.  That's my boo.

Rehearsal Fees:  At the end of the tumbling season (we break for summer), you get to shell out another 30 bucks for "The Big Night".  And since you have no idea what your little one has been doing in class all year, you have to pay to see what you've been paying for.  It's a brilliant business strategy and were I not a victim of its design, I would applaud it.

(Recitals:  A reason to not have kids)

Hemorrhoid Cream:  It would be awesome if you could come and watch your daughter perform her routine and then leave wouldn't it?  Yeah, well you can't.  Instead, you can sit through three hours of watching other parents' kids twirl, cart-wheel, and jazz-handing, while you wait for your daughter's 5-minute routine to come up.

Here's the breakdown:

Classes:     $30/month X 9 months = $270
Outfits:       $61 ugly routine dress + 20 beautiful practice dress = $81
Hair Do:      $45 (if you're a sucker)
Rehearsal: $30
Cream:       $3.28 (Equate brand)

Total:  $429.28

For a little over four-hundred dollars you can get 5-minutes of entertainment.  Was it worth it?

Every Penny!

Scumbag Pop-Tarts

Why is it that my son can wake up at 5 a.m. and fall right back to sleep for three hours, yet when I've been woken at 5 a.m. there's no chance of me sleeping again?

An Ear-Piercing Shriek.

Ear piercings, nail polish, and dresses--Oh My!  My little girl is growing up and I'm not ready for it.  A few weeks ago, we took Leah to get her ears pierced.  I can't remember now what brought it up, but she asked to get them pierced and when pretty girls ask their finger-wrapped Daddies for things, they get them.  Before we took her to the mall, I took one last picture of those precious, unaltered ears.  I want to remember my innocent little girl before she ends up with piercings in places I can't photograph.  If she loves piercings as much as she loves tattoos, I'm in trouble.

On the way to the mall, Caleb asked what would happen to his sister.  "Well, they're going to punch a hole in Leah's ear", I said.  "Why would anybody want to do that?", Caleb asked.  "I don't know son, I don't know." 

When we arrived at the mall, there was another little girl (about Lee's age) sitting in the chair, waiting to get her ear's pierced.  MeMaw, in her wisdom, suggested that we walk around the mall until the other girl was finished.  "It might scare Leah, if the girl cries", she said.

Good Call MeMaw!

We were at the other end of the mall when we heard it--an ear-piercing shriek that sounded like two bobcats going at it.  I'm sure every stray dog within a two-mile radius was circling outside the mall doors.  The screaming and crying was so bad that we ducked into the mall's library for 30-minutes while we waited for the little girl to compose herself.  Now I was concerned about my little girl and her ability to take a piercing gun to her ears.

Lee looked a little concerned herself.  Better still her fears by showing her some bright, shiny jewelry.

Much better.  With her new earrings picked out, there was only one thing left to do--mark and tag, baby!

She's starting to look a little concerned again.  As nervous as Leah was, I think her Mom and I were even more so.  Lee is a hot, crying mess by nature and I knew that if it went bad, the crying might not stop.  So how did she do?  Take a look:

What a trooper.  Enjoy those earrings girl, you earned them.

Who's Your Mama?

Libby has a fairly wide range of words for her age--none of which are the word "Daddy."  As the one who spends the most time with her, it makes me sad.  I'll be changing her diaper and the entire time she's saying, "Momma, mom-mom-mom, Momma."  And I'll reply with, "Your momma is at work."  A couple of days ago, I realized that I AM Momma.

While Rach was holding her, Elizabeth pointed to me, held out her hands and said, "Momma."   Since then, I've noticed that when she says, "Momma", she is looking right at me or coming towards me--usually because I have food.

This is one man that is proud to be a Momma.  Now, if I can just teach her to say "Hey, Lady" when Rach gets home from work.

Shriner Whiner

Every year, the Shriner Circus comes to our little town.  Every year, the kids want to go.  Every year, it's the same.  People juggle, animals pretend they're people, and acrobats acrobat.  It gets old once you've seen it six years in a row.  But, I don't go to watch the circus, I go to watch my kids watch the circus.  Their facial expressions are more entertaining than anything you'll see in the ring---except for six dudes riding motorcycles in a steel cage, that shit's awesome.

  I told you. Awesome.

While I didn't make it to the circus this year (I had heavy-metal related commitments to attend to), my wife did.  Reluctantly, I lent her my new camera .  And, even though I didn't get to watch the circus, I still got to see my kids watch the circus.

  She's brave letting him drink an entire soda at 7:30p.m.

  She's seen this circus three times before. Still she smiles.

  Still smiling.

  I think he just realized he's seen this act before.

  And he is not happy about it.

  She realizes it too.

  Another act he's seen before. He's getting mad now.

 You wouldn't like him when he's mad. Better get him on the pony rides quick.

  That's better.

  Much better.

See you at next year's circus!

Rules

My Dad says that the grandkids remind him of me.  That's funny, because I don't remember doing half of the horrible crap that they've done.  I'm closing down my Facebook "Rules" page and posting them all here for now.  Perhaps they'll help new dads get a glimpse of what they're in for.  Maybe these rules will help prevent teen pregnancies.  If I'd known what I was in for, I certainly wouldn't have ever been interested in sex.

Rule #12 - Although poop is quite easy to work with, it is not commonly found in modern forms of art. So keep it in your diaper or the toilet and off of your bedroom wall.

Rule#24 -  Do not eat drywall. I'm already disappointed in you for not eating the pot roast and green beans I made. Then you pull this stunt?

Rule # 28 - Do not argue over the cup of Dairy Queen tap water when there is a Cookie Dough Blizzard melting in front of both of you.

Rule #8 - Do not chew on your bed. Our dog, which eats crap, drinks out of the toilet and sniffs butt holes has this rule down. Why can't you? This brings me to Rule#9: Do not sniff butt holes.

 Rule#30:  Daddy's acoustic guitar is an instrument not a toy box. It is also not a lunchbox. Keep your Cherry Pop-Tarts out of it.

Rule#20: Just because you can eat it, that doesn't mean that fish can eat it. In fact, the oils that these croutons release are deadly to goldfish.

Rule#14:  Do not squeeze dish soap into the fish tank. They do not enjoy bubble baths and it kills them. On the plus side, Daddy is glad he no longer has to clean the tank.

Rule#22: Although Vaseline has many fine and useful applications to various body parts, your hair is not really one of them. Please do not lather your hair with it. And while we're on the subject, just because it's called Petroleum Jelly, doesn't mean you should treat it as you would Grape Jelly. Do not eat it.

Rule#18: Take off your brand new shirt before you attempt to feed yourself.

Rule#26: No, actually, those goats do not poop Cocoa Puffs. Do not touch or eat anything that comes out of an animal's hind quarters.

Rule#29: Do not leave your panties to smolder on the lampshade. Not only did you almost burn the house down, but now your mother and I are worried about your future years and reputation at college.

Rule #1 - Learning to potty train is a new experience. I understand it is hard to grasp it all right away. Having said that, Do not use toilet paper to wipe your nose after using that same piece of toilet paper to wipe your anus or naughty bits.

Read about more Rules I Thought I'd Never Have To Make.