The Vacuum Cleaner Is Not A Piggy Bank

I'd like to propose a theory.  It's a universal law, spanning time, language, and cultural boundaries, which states all children are born with the knowledge that when parents purchase something new, it is their sole responsibility to break it within a month's time.  Our new vacuum cleaner supports this theory, but more testing is needed.

We spent more time than probably needed when we searched for a new vacuum cleaner, but after 8 years of marriage and decades of buying crappy products, we've learned it's better to pay more and get what you want than to settle on a price.  We were on a search for the best upright vacuum cleaner, and for us, that means we'd rather have an easy empty filter, fold down handle, and automatic cord rewind, than Wal-Mart's off brand $30 special.  Sadly, it's the last option that may have us looking for another vacuum already.

Even sadder, we couldn't find a haircut attachment.

It certainly does suck.

We've been emptying our loose change jar and sorting coins as we prepare to implement a new chore system for the boy.   Our daughter has been un-sorting (<-----not a word) them and storing them for herself.  I'm glad that she enjoys saving money, I just wish she would start using her piggy bank instead of our vacuum.

Above is a piggy bank.  Notice the easy access slot that is just large enough for coins to slip inside.

This is a vacuum cleaner.  I can see how one might confuse the automatic cord rewind slot for a coin slot.  Actually, that's not true.  I don't see how you could confuse the two.  The piggy bank offers a nice obstruction-free way to pinch those pennies.  The cord rewind slot has a HUGE ELECTRICAL CORD BLOCKING THE SLOT.  Apparently it doesn't block it well enough because I spent a solid hour of my time on Tuesday tipping our upright vacuum cleaner into many different positions, none if which was actually upright.

After taking the cord rewind box apart three times, I ended up scoring around 10 cents in pennies.  There is still a nickel floating around in there somewhere, but with all the tossing and turning it has wedged itself nicely inside the vacuum.  I figure this should help increase the re-sale value.

The important part of any experience like this is that you learn something.  I learned a little more about the inner workings of our vacuum cleaner.  And, being able to bust out some tools, helped me feel manly after an entire day of mopping floors, cleaning dishes, and folding Dora and Disney Princess underwear.  Most importantly, my daughter learned the value of saving...and the correct means of doing so.

Put down the camera before she sticks that pop-tart in the piggy bank.

Baby Care Advice

I wish there would have been some useful baby care advice around for us when we had our firstborn.  Unfortunately, all we had were those pre-pregnancy classes at the hospital.  Don't get me wrong, watching a row of twenty women practice lamaze breathing and performing cpr on baby-sized dummies was entertaining, but, overall, the class was less than informational.  Save yourself the week-long class and read the advice below.  Besides, football starts soon and you don't want to spend your Monday and Thursdays learning how to care for your baby when you could be drinking an ice cold brew and yelling at the replacement refs.

Brushing Teeth

It's best to just skip this completely.  Your kid is going to lose those teeth anyway.  Why bother keeping them clean?  Unless you're one of those weirdos that keeps your kid's teeth in a plastic baggie (Hi Mom!!!) let 'em rot right out of their mouth.  I recommend giving your child a soda for both breakfast and dinner.  It will speed up the process and the sugar crash hours later makes the transition to "sleepy time" smooth.

As the video below will demonstrate, it's also fun to fill baby bottles with soda, shake 'em up, and see what happens.


I'm still trying to get one of these nipples to explode.  Until then, they make excellent squirt guns.

Bath Time

Bath time can be a pain, especially if you have multiple kids in the house.  I have to buy manly shampoo for myself, something purple for the wife, and toddler 3-in-1 for the kids.  I don't want to buy a fourth type of shampoo (tearless) and body lotion for the baby.  The solution?  Wet wipes!  You have them around the house anyway and they're cheaper than running bath water in one of those pointless baby tubs.  Plus, you won't need to buy that expensive Tearless shampoo or body lotion.  After 3 or 4 wet wipe baths, you might even begin to enjoy the lemon fresh scent of your newborn.  If not, you can always buy the unscented wipes for a more natural aroma.

It's a bath tub that you keep inside your bath tub

Baby Proofing

The baby proofing industry is a scam.  All that stuff seems fairly inexpensive at first, but by the time you purchase socket guards, corner rounders, door knobs, potty latches, and more, you're talking a good amount of money.  The surprising thing is that you don't need any of that junk.  Section off a corner of your room and trap the little Lemming inside.  Set out some food, water, and if you have quick learner, go ahead and throw a potty in there and hope for the best.  You never know.  Baby stays safe and has all she needs right in her own little world.

The open floor plan is highly desired in new home construction, but they spell disaster for trying to corral your crawling bundle of joy.

Hair Care

 

Thankfully, our babies were all born bald, which as unsightly as it was, turned out to be a great thing.  I never had to worry about doing their hair until they were much older.  We keep the boy's locks trimmed to a nice Army Recruit length, but the girl is another story.  Check out my girl hair style tips to learn more.

You may want to print out this baby care advice, laminate it, and hang it someplace useful for a quick reference.  (Stay tuned for the Poster!)  Once you've built your baby's Lemming room, I recommend hanging it there.

Facepalm

Even good parents do dumb things.  That's what the facepalm is for.

Girl Hair Style

One of the toughest things for me to learn as a new stay at home dad was (and still is) hair styling.  Hair products don't make my job any easier.  Those large hair ties, bows and clips don't stay attached to the angel-hair thinness found on my daughter's scalp.  The only thing that works are these teeny, tiny, rubber bands.

I figure I should get another week out of these

These things are smaller than dimes.  How do they expect me to get my fat man-hand sausage-fingers into these?  They come in packages of about 500 which is nice, because you break at least four or five of them trying to get them wrapped around a bushel of hair and the ones that don't break are only good for one use.

If you're a new dad trying to figure out how to do your daughter's hair don't fret.  Save yourself the trouble of trying to figure out French braids, ponytails, and pigtails, there is only one girl hair style you need to know.  I call it "The Deb".

Her mom goes to college. Probably not beauty college.

It's not a ponytail and only half a set of pigtails.  Like the magical Liger (part lion and part tiger) this hair style combines two of the easiest possible ways to get your hair did - without the problems found in either.

The problem with ponytails is that, for the longest time, my daughter's hair wasn't long enough to put it all back in a pony.  When it finally did get long enough earlier this summer, she decided to take a pair of safety scissors and cut a large chunk of hair so that even if I did manage to yank all of it back into a librarian's knot, it was still going to look weird.

Then there's pigtails.  The problem with pigtails is that you have to get them both placed at approximately the same height and angle as each other.  This is nearly impossible for any respectable man to carry out.  I don't really want to put that much time into hair.  I have more important things to do, like eating bacon.  My first attempt wasn't too bad, unless you get points taken away for having one tail higher than the other and one closer to the front of her head, in which case, it was a complete disaster.

So maybe the part isn't exactly down the middle. And maybe one tail is a little higher and closer to her forehead, it won't look that bad when she looks up right?

Wrong!

I don't want to waste time on a hair-do that is going to take three or four tries to get right.  Dudes should not put that much thought into hair whether it be their kids' style or their own mop.  I only brush my hair twice a week: once for my night out, a.k.a. "My Part-Time Job", and again on Sunday for church.  And by brush I mean running a watery hand through my hair.  In between those days, it's either my lucky hat or a sad attempt at pulling off Jimmy Fallon bed-head.

It takes him two hours to get his hair looking that messy.

I've never really had to do my daughter's hair before.  Last year she was in the morning Pre-K class and my wife was able to do Leah's hair before she left for work.  Now that my daughter is in the afternoon class it's my turn.  My wife could still do her hair in the morning, but by the time her bus arrives she will have completely wallowed out of whatever hair-ties, hair-clips, or berets that once adorned her pretty little nugget.

When it comes to doing the hair of a pre-k girl, one isn't worried about how it looks.  Well, okay, maybe mom is worried about how it looks, but Dad is more worried about keeping hair out of the face so that his uncoordinated 3 year-old can run around the playground.  I love kissing boo-boos as much as the next Dad, but I don't want my lack of hair-doing skills causing them.

So grab a hunk of hair, pull it to one side, and rubber band the crap out of it.  Ta-da.  It's the Deb.  I should also mention that one of my favorite things about Pre-K is that kids are allowed to wear hats to school.

Now she's ready for school.

Can I Get An Amen?

Recently one of my wife's friends from college asked if she could use some examples from the blog in a sermon she was preparing.  I agreed, as long as she was willing to put in a good word for me with her friends in high places.  And, since I've seldom been referred to as "wise" without somebody adding "ass" to the end of it, I thought I'd share her sermon here.  Thank You again Heather for the shout-out from the pulpit.

Here is her sermon as seen on her blog:  "Intersections"

 Intersections: Don't Paint Your Face With A Screwdriver

     My new favorite blog to read this summer is written by the husband of a friend of mine from college.  It’s called “The Parenting Dad.” After their third child was born last year, they decided it made the most sense for them for my friend to work full time and for her husband to be a stay-at-home dad.  Around the same time, they started a Facebook page of “Rules I Thought I’d Never Have to Make,” which eventually evolved into this blog.  In this blog, my friend’s husband, Louie, expounds upon some of those rules, tells stories, and offers tongue-in-cheek parenting advice, such as “If your kids act up at the vet, you get seen quicker,” and “You can save yourself a full load of laundry by keeping the kids topless during meals.”  Other advice is aimed at the kids, like “Don’t take off your underwear at the table” and, of course, [pause] “Don’t paint your face with a screwdriver.”

     Some of these stories are familiar to anyone who’s worked with kids and others are unique to being a stay-at-home dad.  These are comments Louie gets in public from folks who assume he’s either divorced or laid off and that’s why he has the kids on a weekday at Walmart.  A large part of my fascination with this blog is simply that I’m preparing for my own first child and I’m soaking up the wisdom found in these hilarious stories.  Whenever you’re starting on a new venture, it’s good to seek out wisdom and advice.  And that’s precisely what Solomon does in our Old Testament reading this morning.  Solomon has just been made king, succeeding his father King David, and he knows he is new at this and needs help.  Just as there is no instruction manual for being a parent, there’s no instruction manual for being a king, either.  Solomon tells God that he is “only a little child” and asks God for wisdom in order to govern God’s people.

            Solomon’s reason in asking for wisdom was in order to govern God’s people.  He knows that his early rule was flawed.  After all, he was offering sacrifices in the high places, which was against the laws laid out in Deuteronomy.  The sacrifices were supposed to be offered in Jerusalem, not somewhere like Gibeon.  So, you need wisdom to be a good leader, whether you’re leading in your workplace, in the community, at school, a small group at church, or in your home.  Solomon’s request for wisdom is wise.  You need wisdom to lead.

     I’ve mentioned before that when my husband and I got our dog, we started watching “The Dog Whisperer” on TV.  Cesar Millan is full of advice for dog owners to become good pack leaders.  The episode that has stayed with me the most is one in which he worked with a lady who had done some acting and he asked her about some of the different roles she’d had.  He stopped her when she mentioned playing Queen Cleopatra and said that’s who you need to channel when you walk your dog.  Walk your dog, lead as if you are the Queen, and your dog will behave accordingly.  This doesn’t mean walking as if too snobby to look at your dog, but walking with authority, assuming you will be obeyed, giving guidance, and offering corrections when disobeyed.

     Last fall, my husband and I went to see Cesar when he came to Raleigh and the question-and-answer session was quite interesting.  There was one lady who ...Continue Reading on Heather's blog: Intersections

Violent Video Games

Violent video games aren't a problem, bad parenting is.  These games seem to make the news  every time some kid shoots up a mall, school, or theater.   People want something to blame and game developers make a nice scapegoat.

The problem is not that the kid played these bloody, violent games and then thought it might be fun to try it out in the real world.  The problem is letting your kid play these games alone (that and anti-social behavior).

One mistake parents often make is letting kids have a gaming console, computer, or t.v. in their bedroom.  If a kid has all of that stuff in his or her room, I can almost guarantee they're going to be using it in ways you don't want them to.  Plus, a room full of gadgets limits the effectiveness of "Go To Your Room!".   Chances are with HBO, Skinemax, a PS3, and a 52-inch LED t.v., your kids will gladly go to their room and/or be willing to be grounded all weekend.

Your kid's room needs to be a place for sleeping, getting dressed, homework and banishment, not a miniature man cave.  Rip all forms of entertainment out of their rooms, except for a few books (not a form of entertainment), and make them watch t.v., surf the net, or play those ridiculously violent games in the family room.  Just be sure you're there when they do.  You need to teach your kid the difference between real world violence and blowing up police helicopters in Grand Theft Auto.

This is cool.

This is not.

Take these opportunities to talk to your kids about what's going on in the video games and the decisions they're making.  If you're having problems initiating conversation, here are a few starting points:

"What drives Kratos to seek revenge?"  "Could he have handled his Daddy issues differently?"

"Do you think it was polite to rip out Raiden's skull and spine?"

"Was it necessary to Gaddaffi your victim before decapitating him?"

"Why did you beat up that hooker and take her money?"

It must be tough to perform a Fatality while wearing a thong and high-heeled hooker boots.

Video games can be a great parenting tool if used wisely. My son would rather watch me play video games than play them himself.  This makes for a great bonding experience, but I look forward to the day when we can both shoot zombies between the eyes together.

But these sixty-dollar investments (okay, more like 30, I rarely buy new games) offer more benefits than just the bonding time between parent and child.  Research suggests that gamers have better eye-hand coordination, attentiveness, peripheral vision, and motor skills than non-gamers.  Social games, like those commonly found on the Wii, have even been found to improve mental health and decrease aggressive behavior.

But here's the biggest benefit, it relieves stress.  And, believe me, it works great.  After the 50th request for something the kids can get themselves, I'm ready for a nooner beer and some Assassin's Creed Death Matches.  I'd rather have my kid taking head-shots at bad guys in the Himalayas than stewing about the bully at school.  Plus, in between popping off rounds from their AK-47 and climbing the beautiful scenery, they get to learn about ancient history.  Thank you Uncharted 2.

The rich culture and beautiful scenery make it an excellent place to die

My generation didn't have access to such violent fast-paced action and informational gaming.  All we learned was that if you see a mushroom, you should step on it, rotating and stacking blocks while listening to classical Russian music is fun, and the Tecmo Bowl can be won using a combination of only four plays.  And, we did it with only two buttons.

I'm currently playing Batman: Arkham City and some of the conversations I've had with my son have gotten pretty deep.  At least, as deep as they can with a six-year old.  We talk about good and evil, morality, and wise decision-making.  He even pointed out that Batman wasn't being good after punching out an inmate that cooperated and gave out information.

My Son:  "But he said,'Please don't hurt me' Daddy.  Why did Batman still punch him?"

He doesn't miss much and when we're covering topics like morality and not being an ass, I'm glad he doesn't.  I hope that he can learn how to be a moral person, a "Good Guy" ,as he likes to say, and not one of the "Bad Guys".  With the help of violent video games, it's something we're exploring together.  And, if nothing else, at least we have a safe way to vent.