Talking Turkey and the Ham Harangue

I just came home from a trip to the grocery store--the necessity of which is a topic of much debate in this household.  My father-in-law is visiting tonight and we need something for dinner.  "I could make an appetizer (it's a kick-ass Charleston Cheese Dip) and we could have sandwiches", I told my wife.  "Do we have good lunch meat?", she asked.

This question drives me crazy.

What does 'good' mean?  Who's definition of good?

I went grocery shopping yesterday, but apparently, the lunch meat in our fridge is not good enough for the family to dine on.  Our son can brown bag it five days a week, but when the father-in-law, who visits once a month, stops by I'm supposed to roll out the red carpet of cold cuts?  Don't get me wrong, I get along with my father-in-law, I just don't see the need to buy "good" lunch meat when we have lunch meat that's "good enough for our son to eat every day at  school" already in our fridge.

I tell her the lunch meat is fine and then she looks at me like I'm evil.

"What about bread?", she asks?  "Yes, we have bread".  "No, I mean like kaiser rolls or hoagies."

It's at this point that I feel my wife forgets the state I was in when she first met me.  I was a young bachelor (sexy, I might add) living with his best friend...and his friend's girlfriend...and another friend on occasion...and sometimes whoever might pass out on our couch--all this in a one bedroom apartment.

We didn't have money for "good" lunch meat.   Most of our paychecks went to beer.  I'm not talking about the "good" imported beer either.  I'm talking about 7-dollars for a thirty pack kind of beer.  That left us enough money to buy a couple packages of Budding lunch meat and the occasional treat--a QuickTrip sandwich.

  Because nothing helps that 23-cent can of beer go down like a 59-cent package of turkey.

Background really puts things into perspective.  I feel like I'm throwing money away buying Hillshire Farm's or Sara Lee's meat at 6-dollars a pound.  Now she wants me to go to Schnuck's and pay 10-dollars a pound for some "good" lunch meat.  It's all the same to me, but I'll do it for her.  Besides, I can pick up a six-pack of the "good" beer while I'm there.

The Importance of Drinking At Noon

Beer and Lao Tzu - Two great paths to inner peace.

An apple a day might keep the doctor away, but a beer at lunch keeps the kids alive.  By noon, I have already been asked approximately 50 questions.  Actually, it's more like they ask the same 5 questions ten times.

"Can you get me chocolate milk?"

"Can you start a movie for me?"

"Can you make me a sandwich?"

"Can you get me a pop-tart?"

"When is mommy coming home?"

That last question is mine, but you get the point.

All of these questions and demands can take a toll on a guy.  Don't ask what your Daddy can do for you, ask what you can do for your Daddy.  Right around lunchtime my stress level is somewhere between "I want to put my fist through this wall" and "Hammer this is Thumb,  Thumb, Hammer."

Now doesn't that feel better?

But after I've calmed the kids down by stuffing them full of Blueberry Pop-Tarts (Great Value Brand), pouring them chocolate milk, and setting them up with Monster House (again), it's Daddy's turn.  I can sit at the table eating my BLB sandwich (bacon, lettuce, bacon) and savor the sweet, calming flavors of a Dutch Lager.  There's just something about sitting down kid-free and enjoying a beer that makes the world feel right again.

I don't consume anywhere near the level of alcohol I did in my younger days.  I would like to say I'm more responsible about my drinking, but the reality is, I don't have the money to spend on it anymore.  Between paying $20 for a can of baby formula, $15 for a  box of diapers and going through a $4 gallon of milk every two days, my drinking days are far behind me.

Perhaps that's why a beer at lunch is so relaxing.  It reminds me of a time before children and responsibilities, before I had to budget beer money, and a time before my beer gut.

The Official Beer of the London Olympics.

Wal Mart's Latest Policy

It's ridiculous enough that I get carded for buying alcohol when I have all three children with me, but Wal-Mart's newest policy on selling alcohol may be the dumbest policy I've ever heard.  I'm not sure if this is a nation wide thing or just a local chain cracking down, but apparently, if you purchase alcohol now, they want to

Father's Day Gift Ideas

It's just days before Father's Day and I have no idea what to get for my own dad.  The problem is, I always want to give gifts that I would want to get.  And for father's day, there is only one gift that I want from my children.   The gift of not spending any money.  I'd like to consider myself a fairly reasonable man who understands the value of a dollar.  When I see that you've spent five dollars on a frilly card with some manufactured sentimental poem inside it, I'll smile and say "Thank You", but inside I'll be thinking "What A Waste".

A sappy card again?  At least it's not another neck tie.

 Give me the gift of not playing in to the consumerism that these holidays promote.  I understand that Father's Day, like most holidays, started out with good intentions, but once Hallmark and coffee mug companies learned how to effectively capitalize on it, all meaning is lost.

Save your mug money and just buy me some beer.

You shouldn't set aside just one day a year to honor your father or mother.  This holds true for gods, veterans, and great pumpkins as well.  If you want to honor somebody or something, you don't just do it once a year.  That's not honor, that's obligation.  I suppose that's why it's so hard to come up with a gift idea for father's day.  It seems cheap, phony, and forced.  I'm not going to buy something just to be buying something.  My dad knows I care because I lend him a hand with projects, we often have dinners together, and most importantly we talk to each other.  So here's a gift idea for Father's Day.  Don't buy a damn thing.  When it comes to your dad, spend time...not money.

Yeah, But Can You Buy Beer?

I rarely get carded.  I rarely buy alcohol when I have the kids with me.  Today, both happened.  After taking the kids to the library, where I was able to pick up a copy of the original X-Men cartoons (for the boy of course) and spending some time at the local mall's play area, we headed to the grocery store.  We needed to pick up a few essentials like bread and chocolate milk.  While there, it dawned on me that we needed to barbecue tonight.  So in the cart goes the chips, hamburger, and beer. 

Your local library is better than Netflix, Redbox, and Blockbuster.

There are quite a few things that make me anxious and those few seconds between the cashier noticing the alcohol and her actually ringing it up are spent wondering if I will be asked for an I.D.  Why this makes me anxious I don't know.  I suppose all those years of trying to purchase alcohol right around the legal age made quite an impression on my subconscious.  I notice her pick up the alcohol and start to price it.  Before I hear the ding of it registering I hear, "Can I see your I.D. please?".

Now, I'm not one of those people that gets mad when I'm asked for I.D.  It's your job to ask if you're not sure.  I'm also not one of those people that takes it as a compliment when you say "You just look so young".  Lady, I've three kids in this cart and they are aging me quickly.  Don't give me any lines about looking young.  If you knew how much hair I trimmed out of my ears and nose before leaving the house this morning, you'd know I wasn't young.

I'm thinking about letting my hair grow out.

Like I said, I'm not mad that I was carded, I just think the three kids in the cart and the worn out look on my face should have been enough.  I have a baby bottle in one hand, my daughter is holding my other hand (she's scared of your eye-shadow), and now you want me to pull out my I.D. for you.  If I'm old enough to handle the three children you see here, I'm old enough to handle that Summer Shandy you're giving me a hard time about.  By the way, Leinenkugel makes some of the best beer I've ever had.

 Do you think this is some sort of elaborate plot I designed to purchase alcohol?  Perhaps I borrowed three neighbor kids, purchased a box of diapers, wipes, and chocolate milk all in an attempt to get my hands on this seven dollar 6-pack.  Not likely.  But, bravo to you cashier lady, you did your job.  And I'm doing my job, and this job often leads to a drink or two, fortunately for me, a Stay At Home Dad is one career that lets you drink on the job.