Worst Christmas Gifts

Some of the worst Christmas gifts a child can receive are also some of the most popular.  Save yourself some money and embarrassment by not purchasing any of the following.



Board Games:

There are multiple reasons to not buy board games for kids.  First off, the age range is never right.  Just because the box says "Ages 2 and Up" doesn't mean you're going to get your toddler to sit down and play.  I can hardly get my kids to sit for five minutes to eat pizza and ice cream, they sure aren't about to sit for some boring game.  Do you know any toddlers that are great at sitting still and taking turns?  I don't.

Plus, most games that are designed for 2-6 year-olds involve a solid five to ten minutes of parental set-up to the child's five to ten seconds of destruction.  Don't Break The Ice is a prime example.  I've never seen a 6 year-old actually play Don't Break The Ice by the book.  You might as well call the game Break The Ice With One Swing, because that's how it's played.

Preparation Time: 10 minutesPlay Time: 5 seconds

Secondly, I'm going to have to play the games with my kids.  I'm all about spending time with the children, but when I play a game, I play to win.  I don't believe in letting kids win.  I believe in showing them how bad they suck at something so they'll want to get better.  When you play a game with Daddy, you don't get any participation trophies.

I told you. I play to win.

Plus, all those board games come with tiny, choke-hazard sized pieces that will get lost.  Trouble had the right idea by enclosing the die (dice are always the first things to be lost), but they still have 16 other losable parts just waiting to be lodged in my baby's throat.  Skip the death trap and buy a movie. 




Things That Make Noise:  This should pretty much speak for itself.  I'm mainly concerned with musical instruments here.  There is a place for the musical arts, but it's not in my house.  Have you ever heard a kid practicing an instrument?  If you're not convinced, just see how much of this 9 minute and 45 second video you can watch:


Things That Require Batteries:  This is probably the most important category as it covers a lot of other annoying things that you should not buy, such as anything that lights up, plays music, giggles, talks, or wets itself.  I swear that people without kids or people who haven't raised kids in a long time (yes, I'm talking about you Mom) don't understand how expensive batteries are.  They're not cheap, so unless your light-up Press 'n' Play Jukebox comes with rechargeable batteries (and a charger) please don't give it to my kid.


Gift-givers also don't understand how quickly children run through batteries.  They can hardly remember to wipe their butts immediately after pooping, so take a guess at how good they are at remembering to turn their toys off.  If you said 'Amazingly Horrible' you're close.  Over Thanksgiving, my children managed to run through two sets of 'D' batteries while playing flashlight tag with their cousin.  Two sets!   Then, there are those batteries that just refuse to die.  They can sit inside your Teddy Ruxpin for twenty years and that pudgy bear will still tell you all about the Mushroom Forest, albeit in a creepy, super-slow, demonic voice.

The worst are the toys that require those weird, flat batteries--the ones you have to special order from overseas--that look like Smarties.  Great design plan Energizer, making batteries the size and shape of children's candy.

Deadly!!! But, tasty.

That pretty well covers most of the things you should not buy for kids.  But, what about the babies?  I've created a list of the 10 Worst Possible Things you could buy a baby.  Honestly, when it comes to buying baby presents there are only three things you should even consider:  diapers, wipes, or food.  There is no reason to give a child under the age of two anything for Christmas.  They have no clue what's going on.  It's best to just prop them up in the corner by the tree and enjoy your eggnog.

Merry Christmas!

Laundry Day

Many people hate Mondays.  Personally, I love them, then again, I don't have to sit in rush hour traffic for an hour or two.  Besides bringing an often climatic end to the Fantasy Football week, Monday's house cleaning schedule is a chance for me to gauge how smoothly things have gone the week before and what we need to work on in the week ahead.

Take laundry for instance.  Monday morning is laundry day.  When I put away the kids' clothes, I can tell whether or not we need to work on personal hygiene.  How does one know that hygiene may be an issue?

It's quite easy actually.  If you put away six pairs of pants and six shirts, but only two pairs of underwear and socks, it's probably time to reconsider letting the boy get himself dressed after bath time.

Each pair of pants was worn for approximately 1.16 days

Each pair of underwear was worn for approximately 3.5 days.

 The same method can be applied to my daughter.  When I see more dance costumes and dress-up clothes than shirt and pant combos, again, it's probably time to reconsider letting her dress herself.

5 dance costumes and two dress-up skirts.

A pair of shorts (it's November), two pairs of pajamas, three shirts and a pair of pants. Location of underwear: Unknown.

Mondays are nice because I have a set routine.  This routine is crucial to maintaining some sense of sanity.  Part of this routine includes doing  a quick clean up of the kids' rooms on Monday.  And, when I find moldy sippy cups under the baby's crib, it tells me that maybe I need to do a spot check later on in the week as well.

You can wash the cup, but you can't wash that image out of your mind. Every time your kid drinks out of it...flashback.

As I wipe down the bathroom, I can tell that we need to work on spitting.  You'd think boys were born knowing how to spit and, truth be told, they probably are.  But aim takes practice.  When I find more toothpaste spittle on the faucet and mirror than in the sink, it's time to hone up on hawking a loogie.  Still, I give the boy credit for landing spit on both the mirror and faucet; it seems it should be physically impossible to spit both up and down.

You may have heard the saying that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.  Anyone that has cleaned a messy house day after day, only to have to start over again the next, can tell you differently.  It's not insanity.  It's the routine that helps us keep our sanity.  It's the foundation that our days are built upon and a springboard for raising our children.  You have to start somewhere; it might as well be with the sour sippy-cup under the bed.

Not Down With O.P.P.

Bad parents beware!  I used to be one of those Dads that would stay out of the way of Other Peoples' Parenting.  If somebody wanted to let their kid get away with something that I'd never let my kids do, it was none of my business.  It's not my kid, it's not my problem.  Well, sometimes it is my problem.  These same kids are going to be the ones running things in the future and there's no way I'm letting the future be ruined by a snot-nosed brat that you failed to discipline.  Kids are naughty by nature, but children with non-disciplining parents are naughty by nurture.  Both can be helped and it's the job of every responsible adult to do so.

I'm not exactly the most responsible person.  With three kids, I was obviously irresponsible at least three times.  But, when it comes to raising a child that isn't an asshole, I feel like I've done a decent job...so far.  (Ask me again in ten years.)  At the toddler stage of life, most of the bad parenting that I run into revolves around letting your kids get away with selfish behavior like not sharing.

There is no child that likes to share.  And, why should they want to?  For the first few years of their life, they hear us parents say "Don't touch that" as we snatch our beloved breakables away from them.  There is no good excuse for letting your kid get away with selfish behavior, but I've sure heard some horrible ones.

The best horrible excuse I've ever heard was that a child was "too smart to play well with other kids".  My wife and I were in charge of a play-group and this new kid was dropped off.  He immediately began swiping toys out of other kids' hands, not sharing, and basically acting like a violent drunk.  His dad then began to tell me that he was a very intelligent boy (he received a "Word of the Day" calendar for his birthday and said "ominous" for a week straight) and because of it, he has trouble relating to other kids.

I've never seen the movie, but the kid looks like a jerk.

No sir, your child has trouble relating to kids because all children are selfish little pricks that need your guidance.  I sat there and watched this boy wreak havoc on the group while Dad said nothing.  Finally, I had to ask his boy's name.  Then, the fun began.  It gets old yelling out the same three names all the time at home.  Now, I had a new name to yell and a new trouble-maker.

I then ripped into this kid for the next twenty or so minutes.  Am I proud of that?  A little.   I'd like to think that this kid learned a  bit of a lesson that day and that maybe, just maybe, he's a little more open to sharing toys.  If nothing else, I hope that his Dad learned his son won't die if he gets corrected or disciplined.  (I've never seen the two again.)

As a Libertarian (I took a test that told me I was Libertarian), I try to stay out of the way of  Other Peoples' Parenting, but when your child exercises freedom that subverts another child's, it's my duty to set 'em straight.  If you want to let your child climb up the slide, that's cool with me, but when there is somebody at the top trying to slide down and you don't tell your kid to move, I sure the hell will.

Then again, maybe I should say nothing and just let your kid get kicked in the face, that will teach him.

Eating Healthy Can Be Deadly

Are your children eating healthy?  I know mine aren't.  Unless, of course, pop-tarts, Cheese Nips, and dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets are part of a healthy diet.  We have been able to slip some fruit and veggies into the foods our children eat, courtesy of Deceptively Delicious.  But, I think a lot of the problem my kids have with eating healthy is all mental.  They just don't see fruits and vegetables the same way I do.

How I See Fruit and Vegetables

How My Kids See Fruit and Vegetables

from Jokeroo

from feverishthoughts

from ifyourfoodcouldtalk

from environmentalgraffiti

from kuvva

Maybe I should show them this...

 from blogdig

Dumb Questions

"There is no such thing as a dumb question" - I don't know who came up with such nonsense, but I can guarantee that whoever it was didn't have any children.  Dumb questions pour out of my kids all day long and by noon I find myself answering all of them with either "Because I said so" or one of my personal favorites, plain old "No".  By the end of the day, the English language has failed me and I find it best to resort to body language.

Kids are full of questions and over the course of a day they might ask hundreds of them.  Ninety percent of them are valid questions that arise out of a child's natural curiosity.  The other ten percent are forged from the tongues of mischievous hell-fire demons.   What makes a question dumb?  Any question that has an obvious answer.  Here are a few of the most often asked dumb questions.

#6.  "Where's Momma?"

My wife leaves for work every morning around 7:15.  My daughter wakes up around 8.  But it never fails, every day, the first words out of my daughter's mouth are "Where's Momma?".  By Friday morning, I feel like Phil Connors.

#5.  "Do I have to go to school today?"

It's rarely a concern that my son is unsure whether it's Saturday or Wednesday.  The boy is obsessed with watches, clocks, and calendars, so he knows exactly what day it is.  Yes, you do have to go to school and no, you can't wear your pajamas.  You feel sick?  Prove it by throwing up.  Oh, you threw up?  Now don't you feel better?  Go catch the bus.

Crisis on the Homefront

CRISIS:

CRISIS AVERTED:

HAPPY BOY and his WEIRD TOY