Your Kid's Name Is Stupid

A bad baby name can haunt your kid for life.  They can always change it at 18 if they'd like, but by then the damage will have been done.  So before you decide "Huckleberry" is a cute name for your newborn son, here are a few things to consider.

Pronunciation: My last name is constantly butchered.  Teachers, tele-marketers, and arresting officers never get it right.  Do you really want this for your child's first name?  It's a pain having to correct people before moving the conversation along.  Don't forget that Me-Maw and Paw-paw have to be able to pronounce the name.  You don't want them spraying spittle on you or having their dentures pop out every time they say "Shoshawnna".

Spelling:  Maybe you've decided to go with one of the less weird baby names.  Excellent, but please don't try to get fancy with the spelling.  The English language is hard enough to learn.  You don't want to confuse your kid when she's just learning to spell.  There may be 11 different ways to spell Ashley, but that doesn't mean they're all grammatically correct.  Day care facilities could learn a lesson here.  I'm not sending my kids to "Kathy's Kidz Kare", what kind of spelling do they teach in that place?

Job Employment:  This is where things get real.  One study suggests that "white names" are more likely to get call-backs than "black names" in job pursuits.   The study even suggests that a white name adds the equivalent of 8 years of experience to a résumé.  Click the link for more info on the study.

Higher-ups in companies also tend to have common names that are easy to pronounce. Companies don't want to waste precious time explaining how to pronounce a roomful of names during international merger meetings.  Unless you're trying to raise the next President, stick with something less outrageous.

Definitely stay away from stripper names.  Candy and Bambi are things that should be eaten, not things that should be found on birth certificates.  For more on how names may (or may not) predict future employment, check out The Name Game from Focus Magazine.

Celebrity Babies:  As a general rule of thumb, avoid any name that a celebrity has used.  There are a few exceptions, but for the most part celebrities think everything they do is golden and they end up picking bad baby names.    You should also avoid naming your baby after reality t.v. "stars".  They're similar to celebrities only dumber and poorer.

Name Swapping:  Boys should have boys' name and girls should have girls' names.  Plain, simple, to the point.  I don't care what Lindsay Sloane says (she's a celebrity, see above), Maxwell is not a name for girls.  However, thanks to people ignoring the previous advice, it's catching on.

If only my portfolio looked this good.

Inanimate Objects:  It's okay to give inanimate objects names like Wendy, Travis, or Dave.  As a matter of fact, inanimate objects (as well as pets) are great for all those horrible names you've been considering.   However, the reverse is not true.  Babies cannot be given names of inanimate objects.  The names Apple, Blanket and Banjo come to mind.  This is usually done by celebrities, although I once worked with a kid named "Tree".

Please have mercy on your children. If I haven't given you enough reasons to pick a decent baby name, this book below may help you.

What Not to Name Your Baby:The perfect antidote to the boring baby-naming books -- a hilarious guide for expecting parents on what NOT to name their baby! What better way to choose the perfect name than by ruling out those names that are off-limits? Joe Borgenicht offers more than a thousand names, complete with pronunciation and definitions, that absolutely, positively cannot be used for a child. But don't worry, there are exceptions to the rules, and a lot of names will work just fine, but...